Secrets Some Gays Don’t Want Straights to Know

THE GAYS

BY BRIAN MOYLAN

 

The Secrets Gay Men Don’t Want Straight People to Know

As gay men and lesbians get closer and closer to the mainstream they've often traded in their image as the queer radicals who started the Stonewall Riots for the milquetoast assimilationists who want to get married and have kids and put HRC bumper stickers on their cars. That doesn't mean we're still not queer radicals. It just means we're hiding it from you.

That's right, there are all sorts of secrets that Ted and Ned, the nice gay couple next door to you with the matching BMWs and the prim sweater sets aren't telling you, probably starting with the reason they have those bolts in the ceiling of the "den" (It's for the sling and "den" is gay for "sex room"). Now, it's time to let the straights in on some of our dirty little secrets. Let's see if you still like us after this. Yes, I don't speak for all of the homosexuals, but, come on, queen, try to tell me this isn't true!

Bottoming Is Fun

There, I said it. Bottoming is fucking great. Yes, it hurts every time. Yes it is sometimes messy (Santorum is just not a candidate in Iowa). But it is always fucking worth it. There are lots of guys who only like to bottom. There are lots of couples that are both bottoms and they take turns begrudingly topping. There are also lots of tops who only like to top. Topping is fun too. But if topping is like a merry-go-round, then bottoming is like the best fucking roller coaster you've ever been on in your life. The weird thing is "power bottom" isn't just some stupid straight boy insult, the gays use it too. There's some sort of shame about being a bottom, like it makes us less manly and that straight people won't take us seriously. That is probably true, but those feelings are wrapped in all this heteronormative, patriarchal bullshit that straight society has thrust upon us, and we hate you for making us feel bad about something that is better than chasing a million dragons. And, yes, straight guys, let your lady stick a finger up there sometime, and you'll know what I'm talking about. I promise not to make you feel like less of a man for it.

Poppers Are Awesome

For those who don't know, poppers are an inhalant that is rather easy to come by in most adult book stores or gay leather shops. It's amyl nitrite and it's sold as "room deodorizer" or "video head cleaner" or some other preposterous bullshit like that. Homosexuals love this stuff. Well, not all of them, but a lot of them. Especially bottoms! What it does is loosen up all the involuntary muscles (like in the throat and anus) so it's so much easier to get large objects pushed into them. They also make you kind of dizzy and crazy and make every cell in your body scream, "I want to fuck right now" at the same time. They're great. They also give me a headache and make me want to pass out. Whatever, that's the price you pay.

Cocksucker Is Not an Insult

See the discussion about "power bottom" above, except the difference is, 99.9% of gay men love to suck dick. Therefore, if you call us a cocksucker, it says something more about you than it does about us. We love our cocks, we love to have them sucked, and we love to be the one doing the sucking. If you say "cocksucker" like it's a bad thing, your punishment should be to never have your cock sucked again. But, yeah, go ahead and call us a cocksucker. That's sort of like calling Bill Gates "rich" and expecting him to get mad about it.

We Have Our Own Celebrities

Straight people think, "Oh, the gays love Madonna and Lady Gaga and Kathy Griffin." Yes, it's true, but there is a class of gay superstars you don't even know about. You think gay people love Gaga? You should hear when a Robyn song comes on at a gay bar. Then it is fucking over. Don't forget the Scissor Sisters, anyone who was ever on RuPaul's Drag Race, Ben Cohen, cabaret superstar Mx. Justin Vivian Bond, or all the women whose careers we are personally keeping alive like Cyndi Lauper, Margaret Cho, and Sandra Bernhard. You may think you know what we like, but you don't even know the half of it.

We Want to Fuck All the Hot Straight Boys

When homophobes always have a gay panic and say gay men "all want to have sex with me," someone will always tell them, "That's stupid. We don't want to have sex with you." That's true—because that guy is ugly. If he was hot, gay guys will want to have sex with him. I mean, that's just nature. Gay guys are attracted to hot guys, no matter of their orientation. And if they're in the locker room or at the beach or even walking down the street, we're totally going to be checking them out. Also, many gay guys think straight guys are even hotter because they're so naturally butch and hard to get. It's like straight guys' obsession with girl-on-girl action, but in reverse. Falling in love with a straight guy is a difficult and painful trap that many gay men fall into as well, but we're not talking about that. We're talking about just the lust. If they're hot, it's there—even for your boyfriend.

Not All Gay Couples Are Monogamous

What HRC and other gay rights groups would like to sell the straight public is that gay couples are just like straight married couples. In many cases, they are. They are monogamous and have been together forever and raise their kids behind white picket fences. What they don't want you to know is that many gay couples, though married, civilly unionized, or otherwise commonlaw are inviting guys over for threeways, playing around with other guys on the side, or engaged in all other sorts of sexual hijinks. Yes, straight people have "swingers" but it seems like there is a stronger bent of "non-traditional arrangements" among the gays. It might be because gay men are horny bastards and because we didn't have your fiendish and chaste preset relationship constructs until recently when straight people decided it was time to stop treating us like second class citizens. Yeah, we may be married, but that doesn't mean we're dead or conforming to your rules.

We Can Have Sex Anywhere at Anytime

Straight guys always say, "It must be great to be gay because you can get laid any time." Yes, it's true. We can get it anywhere, anytime. Straights might know about Manhunt and Grindr, but they may not know about the underwear parties, undergroup orgies, bath houses, cruisey public rest rooms, steam rooms, cottages, tea rooms, video stores, parks, glory holes, and other assorted nooks and crannies where gay guys will go in their most desperate and horniest moments. Sure, a lot of this activity has moved online and subsequently into our homes, but there are still plenty of public sex to be had. Aren't we lucky!

We Don't Love Drag Queens As Much As You Do

Drag queens are great! Some of my best friends are drag queens, and some of them put on great shows. But we see drag queens all the damn time. You can hardly go to a gay bar without running into one who is "hosting," doing a lip sync number, running a contest, or just generally harassing people. For straight people it's a treat. It's fun and exciting and awesome. We're glad that you can be in on the campy fun, but don't hate us if we don't match your enthusiasm. Imagine if you took us to a straight bar and we were like, "Oh my god! They have the football game on the television over the bar. Isn't that amazing! That's so awesome. Look at that screen! It's so big and clear. Let's give it a dollar! Do you have a dollar? I want to tip the screen," you would think we were some crazy asshole. That's how we feel when you wig out (pun intended) over drag queens. Just clarifying.

[Image via Shutterstock]