Showing posts with label Gay Dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gay Dating. Show all posts

December 19, 2016

How Gays in China Accustomed to Secrets Will Deal with a Dating App

BEIJING — Ma Baoli was accustomed to secrets.

By day, he was a police officer in northern China with a wife and a knack for street chases. By night, he led a life as a gay man, furtively running a website for gay people across China at a time when many were viewed as criminals and deviants.

For 16 years, Mr. Ma kept his secret, worried that coming out would mean expulsion from the police force and estrangement from his family. Then in 2012, his superiors at a police department in Qinhuangdao, a coastal city in Hebei Province, uncovered his website and he resigned.

His job lost, his family struggling to accept his sexuality, Mr. Ma set out to turn his passion for connecting gay people into an empire. He created Blued, now China’s most popular gay dating app with an estimated value of $600 million and more than three million active daily users, about as many as Grindr, a popular gay dating app in the United States.

Mr. Ma, 39, said he saw his mission as working to legitimize same-sex relationships at a time when gay people, especially in China, still face discrimination.
“In the past people wouldn’t even talk about homosexuality because they thought it was dirty, it was filthy,” he said. “The internet can help support gay lifestyles, to make people know they are not alone and that their feelings are genuine.”

Mr. Ma also sees a lucrative business opportunity in China’s so-called pink economy, as more people look to spend money on gay-themed social networking sites, entertainment and travel. The spending power of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people in China is estimated at $460 billion per year, making them the largest market in Asia, according to LGBT Capital, an investment management firm.

But translating Mr. Ma’s instincts into an enduring business model has proved challenging. Like many popular technology start-ups in China, Blued is only beginning to make a profit; most of its services, including chat, live-streaming and a news feed, are free. Attracting advertising remains difficult, with some companies reluctant to be associated with a business that caters to gay people.

Mr. Ma has set his sights on foreign markets, hoping to take on established players like Grindr and Hornet. While Blued now dominates in China with more than 80 percent of the gay dating market, analysts said it would probably be difficult for the company to build a large following overseas.

“Culturally, people work differently,” said Paul Thompson, a co-founder of LGBT Capital based in Hong Kong. “It’s much easier to build up this real concentrated drive in one marketplace than it is to do it in lots of places.”

Growing up in northern China as the son of a factory worker and a housewife, Mr. Ma hoped to go to college and become a teacher. But his parents thought his dreams were too costly, and he was sent to the local police academy instead.

It was there, he said, in a macho culture that revolved around talking about women, that he realized he was gay.

At the time, in the mid-1990s, gay sex was considered a crime in China and homosexuality was classified as a psychological disorder. At the police academy, Mr. Ma took courses on criminal psychology where cadets were told that gay people should be viewed suspiciously because they were more likely to commit crimes.

“When I realized I was different from other people,” he recalled, “I thought I was ill.”

Mr. Ma turned to the internet for advice. But instead of finding a supportive community, he found rants describing gay people as lunatics and perverts. On health websites, he was bombarded with recommendations to seek medication and electroshock treatment.

After becoming a police officer, Mr. Ma was inspired in 2000 to start his own website,, Chinese for “light blue,” evoking the clear coastal skies of his childhood. The site offered chat forums and advice on reducing the risk of H.I.V. and other sexually transmitted diseases. Danlan soon became a popular way for gay men in China to connect in an age when many had been resorting to scrawling meeting dates and places on bathroom stalls, worried about the stigma of coming out.

At work, Mr. Ma chased burglars, filed incident reports and recorded public service announcements. In his spare time, he raced to the keyboard, writing essays for Danlan and chatting with friends under the pseudonym Geng Le.

Mr. Ma kept up the routine for more than a decade. He married, under pressure from friends and family. But when his supervisors confronted him about his website in 2012, he offered his resignation. His family was devastated.

“Both of his parents were very traditional, and they thought their kid had a really good job,” said Wu Guoxin, 38, a friend from the police academy. “There was nothing he could do.”

Mr. Ma’s relationship with his wife soon dissolved. His mother was stricken with cancer and Mr. Ma worried that his decision to come out had contributed to her illness. The family agreed to never speak about his sexuality again.

IN his new life as a high-powered technology executive, Mr. Ma still goes by the alias from his Danlan days, Geng Le. In meetings with business partners, he retains the deliberative demeanor of a police officer, nodding his head intently in silence, as if interviewing a witness at a crime scene.

In a sprawling office in central Beijing, where portraits of scantily clad men hang on the wall, Mr. Ma leads a team of about 200 employees. In one corner, workers scan Blued posts for illegal pornography. In another, a team adds Chinese subtitles to a movie that Blued produced in Thailand.

The company is trying to increase its revenue by expanding into gay travel and entertainment.

Mr. Ma also hopes to bring more advertising to the app, and he sees potential for growth in live-streaming features, a wildly popular form of communication in China. Blued has more than 200,000 hosts who broadcast around the clock on a variety of topics — music, dating, fitness and cooking. Some earn up to $15,000 a month in tips paid by users, the company says, with Blued taking a share of each payment.

As he works to build his business, Mr. Ma said he was also looking for ways to improve the lives of gay people in China. Blued offers free H.I.V. testing at clinics in Beijing, and the company has helped pay to fly same-sex couples to the United States to be married.

Mr. Ma said he was optimistic that long-entrenched stereotypes were fading in China and that within two decades, the country would embrace ideas like same-sex marriage.

He quoted his idol, the founder Jack Ma, in describing both the challenge of building a successful start-up in China and the struggles of the gay-rights movement.

“When I’m at my most painful moments,” he said, “I remember what Jack Ma said: ‘Today is hard, tomorrow will be worse, but the day after tomorrow will be sunshine.’ ”

Owen Guo 

September 17, 2016

What the Internet is Done for Gay Dating

For many gay men who remember life before the internet, a nostalgia exists for the days of bars, back rooms, and voicemail, before the rise of internet dating platforms that dominate the way we meet now.

We remember it as a more visceral and genuine time, and complain about how no one cruises in real life anymore, because we're all constantly looking at our screens. After all, the illicit sexual tension that hangs in the air of a gay bar can't be replicated online and doesn't quite translate to its heterosexual counterpart.

That said, I sometimes feel grateful that gay dating has gone digital. There are things I don't miss about my analog love life: asking around to see if guys are single, for example, or spending untold hours in bars trying to divine through body language and eye contact whether attraction is mutual. Today, that information about other gay men (and their bodies, and whether they're in an open relationship or single or into something like "pit smell") is at my fingertips.

Take, for example, this July on Fire Island, when I went to one of the daily tea dances. It was the first I'd attended in 15 years, since a guy I was hitting on there told me he and his date, both in open relationships, were leaving without me because "single guys are too needy."

But I steeled myself and went back, and to my surprise, noticed a cute fellow making eyes at me. "I can't figure out if I know you or if I'm supposed to know you," I told him. He said we had chatted a while ago on Scruff. My bad. A man stood firmly beside him, glowering at me, and I couldn't figure out their deal. After a while, I saw them on the beach, naked, arm in arm. I walked along the shore and sighed. But later, I checked my smartphone—a luxury I hadn't had 15 years ago—and saw them both on Scruff, listed as single. I had a nice chat with the cute fellow, and we made plans to see each other in the city.

The next evening I saw an ex—who ghosted me after five weeks of dating last fall—2,000 feet away on Scruff. I surmised he was at the tea dance (he loved it there), so I went back, and there he was. I gave him a cold hello and walked away—I just wanted to see him, since he didn't give me the courtesy of saying goodbye. Later he texted an apology for disappearing, even apologizing for apologizing via text, and I finally felt a sense of closure.

Without the internet, I wouldn't have discovered the cute fellow was single, and I would have stewed for days. And with a little forecast that the Ghosting Ex was in proximity, I could prepare myself for the encounter. (Believe me, I would have handled it much more awkwardly if it had been a surprise.) But even with the ease and clairvoyance that digital dating provides, is dating "better" or "worse" today?

There was a lot of awkwardness about how we met and dated before smartphones. "I remember seeing ads for a free phone line in the back of the Village Voice," Tim Murphy, author of the recently released novel Christodora, told VICE. He was referring to an early version of today's sophisticated sexual technology: gay party lines. "You'd call, and everyone talked in that fake voice: 'Hey, what's up... what are you into... I'm masc.' People would just hang up on you and move on. It was the beginning of that slice and dice dehumanization of digital cruising, where you could hit pound and move on to the next person. But at least back then you had to leave the house to find out what they look like."

For his ongoing documentary project Conversations with Gay Elders, filmmaker David Weissman has been recording conversations with gay men over 70 to preserve their stories. One, an 86-year-old Chinese American man, grew up in San Francisco's Chinatown. "By the time he was in his mid teens, he was cruising," Weissman told VICE. "And this is absent of any external context for being gay. Gay men just found ways of locating each other. It's pretty fascinating to realize that." As dangerous as it may seem for a young person to be exploring his sexuality at such a young age, it's also pretty heroic. Especially when you realize it all happened before bars or bathhouses—or WiFi, for that matter. And today, the latter is supplanting the former.

It's staggering to think about how quickly times have changed, and today, it's easy to take digital access for granted. I sometimes find myself flipping through profiles on apps without realizing why, feeling numb. This doesn't just apply to gay men—I've watched as my straight lady friends swipe with the same glazed expression. We assume it isn't really affecting us, but it's possible the effects are too subtle for us to notice.

As painful as it was to hear that guy say "single guys are too needy," at least I felt it, in the moment. Getting ghosted or rejected online feels suspiciously manageable; maybe we should call it a micro-rejection. Every now and then, I'll hear "sorry, you aren't my type" from a guy on Scruff, and I always feel a bit stung. It's easier to brush off, but there's emotional residue—one paper cut is nothing, but 100 can leave a wound.

"I don't think we've grasped how new and different this all is," says Weissman. "In terms of emotional and community health and self esteem. Like: What does it really mean to be gay? What is a healthy sex life? Am I really happy with the hook up world? Those are the conversations not happening in our community."

If anything, the internet hasn't made dating or sex less complicated than it was. And it doesn't make guys any less complicated, either. Lately I've noticed that cute fellow from the tea dance posts photos with the glowering man on Instagram, on intimate vacations together, with hashtags like "#alwaysandforever" and "#daddy".

Whether or not he says he's single, they're in love. Time to move on, but also to check in. And checking in with how you’re feeling—and realizing our emotional lives matter, both digitally and IRL—is a truth that prevails across all ages of gay men and eras of our culture.

Mike Albo

September 13, 2016

The Doctor Speaks about Open Relationships


 A  writes “The truth about open relationships” on  I can’t vouch for the Doctor but I can agree with what he writes because it is consistent with everything I’ve read and experienced on the subject. Growing up as the sexual revolution had engulfed this country in the 70’s,  open relationships were an option for many guys I knew. This is way pre gay marriage so you can understand why the option was appealing for many since we felt we were writing the rules as we went along. This option never appealed to me since I grew up in my teens thinking, hoping maybe that I was straight and thus saw myself ‘married with children.’ As I got to make gay friends I learned there was an option and to be completely honest it was a better option than getting involved and then cheating and hiding boyfriends on the side. Particularly when I came out to my mom at 24, I thought it would be such a burden to be in a relationship and then having to keep secrets on the side that the whole process of coming out would have very little meaning to me since I wanted to be honest about who I was and wanted an end to the lies and made up stories. Neither way rep[resented who I was but was open minded enough to accept it on people I surrounded my self with but saw guys who tried to have serious multi relationships and saw them failed at all of them. I thought that one monogamous relationship took a lot of time, commitment and love to make it last.

Having same sex marriage which is a serious commitment with two people and it would take very special people to ignore the vows made to bring others into the circle.


The longer you’re in a relationship, the less sex you’re going to have.“ At least that’s according to sex sociologist and author of The Monogamy Gap, Dr. Eric Anderson. The thing is, he’s right. Ask anyone who’s been in a relationship longer than five years and they can easily point to the decline. Does that mean the relationship is no longer working or the couple needs to “spice things up“? Maybe they should just secretly subscribe to porn sites and hire hookers. This has long been the heterosexual model, but is it the best option?

Monogamy didn’t come into fashion until fairly late in human history, born out of the notion that wives and children were the property of the husband, according to Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá in their book Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality. Now it’s firmly a part of heterosexual culture (at least the appearance of monogamy is).

Gay couples have long pioneered an alternative route: open relationships. Approximately 50% of gay male relationships are “open“—meaning there is sex outside the relationship with the partner’s knowledge and approval—according to a San Francisco State study published in 2010. But will this number remain the same now that gays can get hitched the way their parents did?

According to the latest Gallop poll, 49% of all gay couples living together are now legally married. But other research has shown those in same-sex marriages often start to copy the “traditional“ hetero mold,  meaning when they say “I do,“ they think they have to say “I don’t“ to sex with others.

Whether gay or straight, couples often see a declining sexual relationship as a negative. But is it? “Instead of recognizing [decreasing sex] as a product of a failed relationship,“ Anderson asserts, “We actually need to recognize [decreasing sex] as a product of an improving relationship.“ Could he be right? Could every long-term relationship in America just be improving?

“Sexually open relationships have better marital happiness rates, longer marriages, greater satisfaction in marriages,“ according to Anderson, to which he adds, “That doesn’t come through spicing up the sex another way with the same partner for year after year. That type of sexual novelty comes with a new body.“

It seems gay couples know just that. According to a 2013 University of Michigan study, 42% of open gay couples are “early adopters“ and open things up in the first three months. But most gay couples move a bit slower, starting out with a period of monogamy, slowly opening up to having sex with others. Most gay couples take an average of five to seven years to make it official.

If things have slowed down in your bedroom and you are thinking about talking with your partner about opening things up, consider the following:

1. Start with a Strong Foundation
Opening things up sexually does not signal a faltering union, but it is a sure-fire way to hasten its demise if the relationship is already in a weakened state. Don’t do it if there is any question about the solidity of your relationship. This is not a remedy; it’s an adventure. Make sure your relationship house is always something that draws both of you back home.

2. Ponder Your Personality
Those who do best in open relationships tend to be more creative, non-conforming and individualistic people who are less concerned about the opinions of others and more concerned about their own values and ethics. But it can’t be all about you. You need to be able to communicate and work out relationship problems—something those in monogamous relationships often struggle with doing effectively.

3. Are You Jealous or Joyous?
Consider how you handle knowing your partner is with another. Does it turn you on and excite you? Or are you threatened and scared? Those who are able to successfully manage multiple partners often have a character trait that those in the polyamory community call compersion. Compersion is really the opposite of jealousy and refers to a feeling of delight when your partner experiences the joy of intimacy with another. If either person feels jealousy or fear, then it’s important to manage it and not blame your partner. If you can’t, an open relationship is not for you.

4. Forge Agreements (Not Demands)
Assume nothing. Rules that two people make together are agreements. Rules that one person makes and assumes the other should follow are demands. Agreements lead to openness and trust and are likely to be followed. Demands lead to lying, hiding and rebellion. Make sure you work together and create only agreements regarding both sexual and emotional boundaries. In addition, figure out how much you are going to tell each other and how much you will share with others about your extra-curricular activities. Be frank and specific about everything.

5. Make Sure Your Agreements Cover All Bases
WHO are you both allowed to “encounter?“ Other coupled guys? Three-ways only? Anonymous? No friends? WHAT acts are you cool with your partner doing? JO only? Anal? Safer sex? Top or Bottom? Condoms or Bareback? Overnights? WHEN is it OK to have your “extra helpings“? Only when one of you is out of town? Only when together at a bar or bathhouse? Only on Sundays? Anytime? WHERE can you step outside? Only outside the home? Only at home? Everywhere at home but in the bed we share? Only at the Republican Convention? Anywhere? HOW are you allowed to meet others? Apps like Grindr and Scruff? Face pics allowed? Only in bars? Only chance meetings? However the hell we can?!

Don’t stop the talk. Reassess all of your agreements at regular intervals; not everything you set up in the beginning is going to work. This process may take more time than you think, and it may be made easier with the help of an informed and sympathetic therapist.

May 6, 2016

Online Dating Guide Video

May 3, 2016

The Ugly Side of Gay Dating

 A FEW days ago, a clothing item marketed towards gay men created a stir of outrage.
Marek+Richard, an online fashion label that specialises in clothes for gay men, sold a black tank top with the words “NO FAT, NO FEMS” written in large white letters.
Seriously, who would pay for this? A lot of guys, apparently.
Seriously, who would pay for this? A lot of guys, apparently.Source:Supplied
It’s one of many common, shallow phrases used in the wide, wonderful world of gay dating. Translation? “Don’t talk to me if you’re overweight or a man who doesn’t act stereotypically masculine.”
Download Grindr or Scruff (the gay-but-slightly-more-risque equivalents of Tinder) and every few profile bios you read will bear one of the following messages:
• Masc only, NO fags (Translation: You must act like a conventional straight male, even though you’re here to have sex with a man)
• Don’t sissy that walk (Translation: You must act like a conventional straight male, even though I’m the one quoting RuPaul)
• No rice, no spice, no chocolate (Translation: No Asians, No Indians, No Blacks)
• Gook free zone, sorry not racist just a preference (Translation: Sorry, I’m racist)
Ahhh, the poetic musings of the trademark “Sydney gay” — a thriving and fascinating species of homosexual wildlife usually spotted donning a backwards flat cap and a Country Road gym bag, with a default facial expression you might wear if you’d just swallowed a gallon of sour lemon juice in one gulp.
These screenshots, from the ‘Douchebags of Grindr’ Tumblr account, say it all.
These screenshots, from the ‘Douchebags of Grindr’ Tumblr account, say it all.Source:Supplied
‘Douchebags of Grindr’ is kind of like a Hall of Fame of these sorts of guys.
‘Douchebags of Grindr’ is kind of like a Hall of Fame of these sorts of guys.Source:Supplied
 You’re too feminine. You’re too ethnic. You’re too fat. You’re too skinny. You’re too old. You’re too Asian. Ironically, unapologetic discrimination is so common in the gay world that it’s almost excusable.
Why is this so surprising? Because no group campaigns for equality, love and inclusiveness harder than the gay community. How can a movement that’s so heartwarming and positive consist of people so lacking in basic social etiquette?
Dr Anthony Lambert, a senior lecturer in cultural studies at Macquarie University, firstly stressed that you can’t just assume a minority group is automatically going to be ethical. It’s a lot of pressure, and never the case.
But he told this shallow mindset has always been amplified in the gay community, saying internalised homophobia plays a big part.
“The image of the muscly white guy in the ‘No Fats No Fems’ shirt is the same white jock who was bullying the gay guy in high school,” he said. “You internalise it to begin with.”
He said that this, combined with the rise in social media and dating apps, has only made the problem worse, because hiding behind a device can take the humanity out of people.
But it was an issue long before social media was a thing.
“I remember going to a nightclub in the 80s and offering to buy someone a drink,” he said. “And the response I got was, ‘I’m looking for a man, not a queen.’ I just walked away.”
Jack from Will & Grace would be many gay men’s worst nightmare.
Jack from Will & Grace would be many gay men’s worst nightmare.Source:Supplied
Judging by the standard on dating apps today, little has changed.
Which is strange, because in today’s metro-hipster age where guys will increasingly pay for Salim Mehajer-thin eyebrows and beard-groomers, the behavioural differences between “gay” and “straight” seem to have become few and far between.
I don’t understand why some gay men need to stress how “masculine” they are.
Behaviour is just the beginning.
A 2015 study in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour looked into how gay men stereotype by race. It found that black men are seen as masculine “tops” (that’s, uh, the “giver”) and Asian men are seen as feminine “bottoms” (receivers). And to be associated with the latter is worse — you’re not masculine, you’re not white, therefore you’re not desirable.
As a gay male living in the heart of Sydney, I’ve heard it all. On one occasion, I met up for drinks with a guy I’d only spoken to online.
“Oh,” he said, as we sat down.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Nothing. I just expected you to be more ... Caucasian.” He’d already lost interest, and never got in touch again. Curse my deceptively-white name. That was clearly a jackpot find.
Another time, it was slightly less subtle; a guy at a bar outright told me: “You’d be cute if you were more white.”
I didn’t even know how to respond to that, other than to shake my inferior melanin-soaked fist at the merciless Australian sun. Last month, the Sydney Star Observer ran a great featureon racism within the gay community. They interviewed a handful of gay men of diverse backgrounds who had some brutal accounts on the matter.
One guy, Aziz Abu-Bakr, told the Star Observer that stereotypes surrounding the African community run rampant when he’s on dating apps.
“People always ask me if it’s true what they’ve heard about black men and refer to me as things like exotic, words that would be more fitting for an animal than a human being,” he said.
“Weirdly enough they perceive it as complimenting me… they’re like, ‘Oh, I’m this white gay man, you should feel blessed that I’m giving you this attention.’
Another respondent, Mohammed Taha, said many gay men don’t accept or understand that marginalised communities can indeed discriminate.
“So often (gay white men) just don’t believe that other people exist, they live in their bubbles where everyone looks like them.”
So, what needs to change?
Dr. Lambert says it’s all about education. He said whether it’s dating apps providing a guide, or a sign being posted on the back of a bathroom stall door, we need to promote ethics around the right and wrong way to communicate with somebody.
“I don’t want Big Brother censorship,” he said. “But these social media sites should offer ethical direction. ‘No Fat, No Fem, No Asian’ is on the wrong side of history.”
He emphasised that it’s fine to have different tastes. Not everyone can be attracted to everyone else, and the simple act of declining someone does not and should not make you racist. But, he says, there’s a right and wrong way to frame it.
“We live in a country that’s said, ‘Stop the boats.’ If I see ‘No Asians’ that means something. It speaks to a larger story about what we perceive as a society. It’s not fair and it’s not right.
“It wouldn’t hurt for us to have the occasional image that says, ‘Yes fat, yes fem, yes Asian. What’s your problem? Do you need to discriminate to express yourself?’”
For what it’s worth, the clothing label behind the “No Fat No Fems” shirt later released a statement, claiming it was all satire from the get-go. 
Considering their choice of model, and the timing of their “clarification”, I most definitely call bulls**t on that.
But hey, it speaks volumes that the singlet has sold out in all sizes. If I see you at a bar and you’re wearing it, feel free to not start a conversation with me.
Just my preference.

October 10, 2015

Looking for Love? Not much in Social Media


Do You like my tattoos? I woke up with them one day I got drunk on Social

You’re all done up and out at the bar, chatting up a fine eligible match. Red wine, tapas and laughter; things are going swell. And then he mentions, between small plates, that he doesn’t actually have an account on Facebook. Or Twitter. Or any of that social media jazz. He is disconnected, which you find curious, even alarming. What is he hiding that he’s keeping off Facebook? Is he actually married with five kids? Is that not his real name? Is he on the sexual predator list? What’s wrong with him?

And then you realize: Wait a minute, that’s kinda super-hot.

In a world where selfies have gone from a teen-girl indulgence to something the machoest dudes stock their Tinders with, and keeping up with the Joneses has taken on a compulsive edge that drives tiny computers into our hands before we brush our teeth each morning, finding someone who simply sits out of the whole digital courtship game can be refreshing and extraordinarily appealing. So we’ve got a wild, against-the-grain tip for future courtships: Disconnect to get a date.

Sure, social media is great for meeting up with someone you haven’t seen in a long time, or maybe one-night stands … but what about love? What about the next level beyond networking? Studies now show that in spite of our 1,000-plus “friends,” social media in fact makes us feel lonelier, and turns our behavior less sociable. What’s sorrier is that when surveyed, 22 percent of people said they would give up sex before they’d give up their cellphone (?!?!?!). And for those already in relationships, social media is a fast-growing threat. Therapists at the charity Relationships Ireland found that the vast majority of couples seeking professional marriage counseling cite Facebook as a major factor in cracking up the marriage, and we’ve already told you about another study that found 32 percent of heavy Facebook users consider leaving their spouse.

Not that we need a statistically significant study to tell us that Facebook can cause a boatload of drama: Anecdotes of this type are a modern staple of cocktail conversation. “I stay off Facebook these days,” one man mentioned on Date 2. Summarizing with an utterly modern euphemism for “I got caught,” he continued: “It caused me a lot of problems in my last relationship.” Oops. “We are living in an age of anxiety,” notes Breanna McEwan, a communications professor at Western Illinois University. Although most people use social media, “we are still very concerned about the effects these new technologies might have upon us” — enough for us to consider social media prenups. With anxiety and worry two of the least sexy tendencies on earth, maybe the key is simply not playing the game.

Of course, our friends at Facebook might disagree. McEwan notes that someone who doesn’t use social media is “our generation’s ’80s family that doesn’t have a television.” She warns, “They may seem superior, but many of us don’t make that choice for ourselves.” Gwendolyn Seidman, chair of the psychology department at Albright College, notes that it might seem too strange these days, suggesting people might think a disconnected mate was “socially abnormal in a negative way.”

Still, find us a study that proves that. (Seidman, McEwan and a host of other experts haven’t seen one yet.) Until then, we’ll keep flipping our hair around these modern unicorns. Too bad, of course, we won’t be able to share this article with them.

Disconnected: Is it hot or not? Let us know in the comments.



The Facebook Sergeant looking for someone to….??
 This is one of the pictures Richard (the Sergeant) sent. He wanted John
to be the Executor of his will and thus needed
financial information from John. When John refused
Richard(name given) lost his magazine of bullets in names he called John t.hen block john from his Facebook account. John was just relief
John Lovey has tried the two major social sites (Facebook, Google) since the last time he became single about 7 years ago. He ended up having terrible experiences particularly in Facebook. Lovey is a private person so he has discreetly let people know in the past that he is single and have added a few facts about him and always included a recent picture ( no older than a year in average). 

Some have figured out and contacted him in other cases, He’s contacted the guy with a profile that that said single and seemed to be looking. He’s been attentive and immediately answered  in times which he was contacted and He’s let them down very gently when they are not for him. He felt thankful that they decided to try him out. Whether he contacted someone in Facebook or was contacted by someone, He figured the experiences had been around 95% negative. Some have lead him on and established a friendship to meet and travel. Others have agreed to meet him when they live in his city( again being careful since this the main way gay haters get guys to beat up and is as common as white bread).  Most of those particularly the ones that talked about traveling to meet up turned out the worse. 

There is an experience of one establishing a relationship but then would come up with an emergency or a need from a relative to ask for money to help them out. Once a soldier who was a sergeant about to retire or so he said, sent him documents  where he was and how much he made (He checked the rank and the salary was correct so he was sure the guy was at least a soldier or had been one). 
This soldier told him he was being sent to Afghanistan and he said he would call him from there.

He called him as promised supposedly from there but now needed Lovey’s bank account number and particulars because he wanted to send his money to Lovey’s account and also wanted to named him as executor of his estate in case he was killed. No need to say that Lovey turn him down. He called him all types of derogatory names and said Lovey had no heart that he would not help a soldier in the field. He laid it out strong like he was a victim he also black him out on Facebook so he could not inquire anymore about him. Someone with a weak heart and strong sentiment would probably fallen for the part of helping the soldier out and allow him to put money in, he was not taking out according to the soldier, he was so nice and trusting he wanted to put money in.  I’m sure this has worked with others otherwise it wouldn’t be happening. I mean everything seemed on the level, he would sent pictures that were supposed to be live and other information without Lovey asking for it. All along he had a feeling something was not right so when he made his move Lovey was ready. This is someone who asked him to friend him on Facebook.

 On Google + are the guys from poor countries particularly Philippines and Jacarta. They go all the way to try to get someone to bring them to the States. Other are too far to even consider or with wrong pictures which don’t match their age when they slip and give it to you. 

As the tittle says John Lovey gave up a long time ago. He still in the social media as a business, but nothing more. He no longer disclose being single and never say He’s looking to date. He had positive experiences way back in the age of chat rooms divided by city and state. He says he got many dates that didn’t turn into relationships but got to meet friends and once in a while got his rocks off as a release. Now is very different. You never know for sure where that guy might be. Phone numbers with area codes mean nothing and this is the age of throw away cell phones.

John Lovey is not the real name who’s real story Im posting above. Everything is true as said by John Lovey except the name. If there is a John Lovey out there he is not the guy in the story. The name change is to protect the innocent. If this picture is recognized by someone it will be nice to know and find out if Richard pulled this stunt with others or he was just psychotic wanting to pull a fast one because maybe he thought John was beneath him? Not smart enough?
On a positive way social media is great for news (if you know how to weed out rumors) and to make contact with people in other nations that only want to chat and learn about gay people here in the US.
So if you are looking for love may be any sight but a social site might be better. Make sure you are honest if you expect honesty. A picture and  state and even the city is very helpful and is a sign you have nothing baad to hide. When you are on social media you are in Central Park on a weekend at 8pm. You could bump into anybody, your job is to stay safe by taking everything with a grain of salt and until proven. He says is Undetectable or Negative? When the time comes for intimacy don’t be shy in asking for the piece of paper that certifies what he says he is. Asking many questions is always good and it makes people with bad intentions to get nervous and want to walk away from you, which is the purpose after all. Having your picture in undies on social media and saying you want something serious is an oxymoron. If you wan tot show off, fine but when looking for someone those pictures say many thousand words. Even if you pay a studio is money well spent; Just don’t over do it.
Good luck and may you find all the love you deserve!

Adam Gonzalez

November 5, 2014

Gay 'hook-up' app gets big investment in China

gay couple kissingThe app claims that 15 million gay men in China are active users 
BBC Reports;
A "hook-up" app for gay men in China has secured $30m (£19m) funding from venture capitalists DCM.
Blued, created by social media site DanLan in 2012, claims to have 15 million active users.
According to news website Tech in Asia, those users seem to be mainly based in three cities - Beijing, Shanghai and Guangzhou.
Homosexuality in China was illegal until 1997 and defined as mental disorder until 2001.
Xiaofeng Wang, an analyst at Forrester Research, said in a report for the firm that data-light services such as messenger apps enjoyed high popularity in China because mobile internet speeds were slow.
However while dating and hook-up apps are openly used by heterosexuals - a flirting app called Momo has 52 million users - the gay scene in China is traditionally rather quiet. 
"Beijing's gay community is often quite reserved," wrote Rupert Angus-Mann on a website about being a tourist in the city.
"You will not find many people who feel the need to broadcast their sexuality."
Official statistics suggest that there are 118 boys for every 100 girls born to Chinese families.
Mr Angus-Mann added that China's policy of allowing families to have only one child, in place since 1979, meant most people aged 29 and under had no siblings.
"When a son is gay, he faces a hugely difficult set of decisions and it makes coming out to his family infinitely more difficult. 
"Not only is he telling them he is gay, that there will probably be no grandchildren, that there will be no wedding and no wife, he is also telling them that the family line, the rhythm of hundreds of years of Chinese tradition will end with him, because there is no brother who can step into the role."

September 23, 2014

John Travolta Talks for the First time about his alleged Gay Relationship with Pilot


Hollywood actor John Travolta has addressed claims he was romantically involved with his ex-pilot for the first time.
Earlier this year former employee Douglas Gotterba made the allegation that he'd been in a sexual relationship with the actor when he was working for him, and the pair are currently involved in a pending lawsuit.
In July Gotterba, who said he was planning to spill details about his time working for Travolta's aviation company during the 1980s, made a case that he was not bound by a confidentiality agreement covering his employment with the married father after the actor's attorney threatened legal action.
When quizzed about it by The Daily Beast, the Pulp Fiction star shrugged it off saying: "This is every celebrity's Achilles heel."
"It's just about people wanting money. That's all. It happens on many levels."
Getty Image
John and wife Kelly Preston
He also said he's not fussed about what he can't control.
The 60-year-old continued: "Also, I don't care that much about it. Other people may attack it back more than I do, but I let all the media stuff go a long time ago because I can't control it.
"I think that's why it persists, to some degree."
When asked if he finds it offensive, the actor replied: "I found it most offensive with the loss of my son. I felt like that was the lowest I’d ever felt. Sex stuff is always going to be interesting to somebody, but you stay away from family.
"You really should. With that, I always felt like the media - not all of the media, but parts of it - went too low there." 

September 14, 2014

True Story: AN HIV- Man Exorcises from Fear of HIV Dating and Connects with Peace of Mind

An essay by a gay journalist and author who is tired of living in fear of HIV.
David Hancock
True story. 

Back in 1996 or '97, I was washing a big soapy bath of dirty dishes in the sink of a house I owned in Surfside, Florida. Beyond my kitchen window was a lush backyard of unmowed grass, a steel-pipe clothesline T and the huge trunk of an avocado tree I shared with a neighbor. Gator pears, we call them down South; the big green-skinned ones. 

I was scrubbing a wine goblet and thinking of a guy I'd met, a handsome Tony-nominated actor who'd come through Miami in a road show of Angels in America. In the bar he told me he was poz; we later enjoyed a moonlit safer-sex quickie by a lifeguard stand on Miami Beach. 

We'd exchanged a few letters after his tour continued on. I'd gotten one that morning, warm and funny like the man himself. Little Florida me and a Broadway actor. How glamorous was that? And I really liked him. But there was the HIV. Sure I could armor up for one-night stands. But was that something I was willing to get involved with on a more intimate level? 

While I was asking myself that question, the delicate glass suddenly burst in my hand. And there it was, the blood. I couldn't get past the blood. Goodbye actor. 


True story. 

Back in 2003 or so, I wrote a mystical whodunit about a guy who comes home at 3 a.m. and finds his cat dead in the center of his room. From the electrocuted look of the beast—puffed, singed hair and bared fangs—he perceives the cat has diverted a death spell meant for him. Cats will do that. Everyone talks of the loyalty of dogs. But a cat, if you've treated it well, will intercept the demon. Wrest the death away from its clawed hands and receive it into its own little body. 

The protagonist spends the rest of the story trying to figure out who sent the death curse. Before they try again! I was well into subsequent rewrites before I realized the unconscious symbolism: HIV was the death spell. And I have spent years of casual sex wondering which one would be the demon who finally delivers the killing curse. That's the thing about keeping a journal or doing creative writing. You may not win a prize or produce a bestseller. But you can learn some things about yourself that you didn't know. 

I recently gathered some of my short fiction in The Man Who Lost His Gayness. Looking at my work, I'm struck by how present HIV is in my stories. HIV has been a black raven perched on my left shoulder as I walk through life. HIV is the blurry monocle through which I examine a potential partner. My stories, cloaked in magic and metaphor, reflect my twisted relationship with HIV. Living 30 years under the shadow of HIV has done a number on my head—and I have a lot of deviant fiction to prove it. 

One story in my collection has a special connection to POZ. "Far Away, And In Someone Else's Ass" won first place in the POZ fiction contest in 2005. Back then it was titled "Rape Potion No. 9," which now seems to me a bit cheesy; you hear that '60s pop song in your head, which is way too perky for the story. "Far Away" is a grim depiction of a gay rape; it encompasses all my fears about contracting HIV through the years. 

The story has its origin in an article I'd read in The New York Times about an apparent "super bug" that went from seroconversion to AIDS in a year. I remember thinking: "That's it ... I give up ... I throw in the towel." And all my fears and frustrations about living under a plague bubbled up into words. 

A story I wrote in 2013, "I Don't Know Why," describes a safer-sex glitch that happened to me in real life. Without going into too much detail, it involved blood and saliva. It was a reminder that even with the best intentions ... shit happens. I like this story because even as the protagonist considers whether transmission has occurred, he's already planning his medical strategy. 

Those two stories reflect an evolution in my attitude to HIV as I've gotten older. "Far Away" represents all the scary years of the 1980s and '90s, when you literally took your life into your hands when you hooked up. And no one could give you a definitive answer about what was safe to do—particularly about the risks of oral sex. The second story is calmer. It reflects the knowledge that even if I finally contracted HIV, I would have a lot of medical options and many good years ahead of me. 


I recently had an epiphany about how I think about HIV-positive folks. In 2012, I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. I now have a lifestyle that includes pills and bloodwork, sporadic gastro distress and hours spent in medical offices. I have a chronic lifetime enemy trying to break down my body; but I also have powerful tools to fight back. 

And it struck me: this is what HIV would be like, if I finally got it. Meds and tests and doctor's visits. Poz and Type 2: We're going through a similar thing; facing a manageable condition with lots of medical options. You wouldn't wish either malady on anyone. But both are doable. With a little effort you can have many, many good years. It's not so scary. 

I had another revelation in May, when the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a formal recommendation for using the HIV drug Truvada as a preventative measure against transmission. I read any story about HIV that I come across; but I hadn't seen this development, pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP), working its way up the medical establishment. 

I see it mentioned now in online profiles: PrEPed and ready for action. I interpret this to mean the dude wants to have unsafe sex. At this stage of the game, I'm not ditching my condoms and I don't care what anyone is promising. But the idea that you could have a poz partner, practice safer sex and also take the drug as extra security has wormed its way into my mind. It seems like an acceptable risk. It cuts to the heart of my own hesitation. 

In casual hookups, I assume everyone is poz and conduct myself accordingly. I don't even ask. But the idea of having HIV in your bed every morning ... that's where it gets dicier. Sleepy morning tumbles when your guard is down and other domestic slipups. The daily question mark of living with a partner's HIV is too scary for many people; they would rather not engage. You see it all the time: DDF (drug and disease free) for same, neg for neg. Poz dudes seem to never make it out of the gate as boyfriend material. 

Maybe Truvada changes that. Imagine a world where people who need the meds are taking them, and keeping their viral counts low. And their neg partners, if they're worried about it, are also taking the pill for peace of mind. And anyone else who thinks they need it also takes the pill. And we can all just relax and be nice to each other. 


One thing more. True story. 

Back in 2001 or '02, I met a guy in New York City at a bar in Chelsea. His name was Guillermo and he was a sexy little beast. I wasn't smitten, but we had some fun. Skating on the river, phone conversations; more than just hooking up. Two weeks after we met he called me on the phone and said, "Look, I have to tell you something.'' I listened and then assured him it was not a problem. And then I never spoke to him again. 

To Guillermo and other poz dudes: I'm really sorry for the shitty way I've treated you through the years. The way I coldfished you after you put your cards on the table. Or worse, the phony way I pretended it was no big deal—and then dropped you cold. No returned calls, no answered emails. Or how I've sped past your online profiles when I saw the "+" sign. Next! 
I wouldn't open my heart for you, even a little. I was too scared. And then it just became an engrained habit to excise you. In 2014, I want to free my mind. I want to shake off knee-jerk behaviors that are rooted in decades-old fears. I want to include, not exclude. I'm tired of living in fear of HIV. In the immortal words of Barbra and Donna: Enough is enough

by David Hancock

David M. Hancock is a long-time homepage editor for in New York City. He has worked on the Web since 1995. Before that he was a reporter for The Miami Herald and several Texas newspapers. He is the author of The Man Who Lost His Gayness, a collection of gay-themed speculative fiction, available on         (article appeared on )

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