"I Got Really Good At Lying" Its Hard to Live a Double Life Josh Cavallo, Footballer

Cavallo in action for Adelaide (Photo: Paul Kane/Getty Images)

 Adam Crafton

The New York Times

I got really good at lying. I’m trying to undo that. It’s hard to live a double life’ – Josh Cavallo on being an LGBT+ footballer

Josh Cavallo is starry-eyed. He is rattling through the names of the showbiz well-wishers who greeted his decision to reveal his sexuality when he became, in a flash, the world’s only openly gay footballer competing at the highest level of football. 

The social media messages arrived from Los Angeles to Liverpool, from talk show host Ellen DeGeneres to football manager Jurgen Klopp. It is an A-List showreel. The Manchester United and England forward Marcus Rashford and the former American world No 1 tennis player Billie Jean King led the way on the sporting side. Headline acts in the LGBT+ community, such as Ricky Martin, Sam Smith and RuPaul’s Drag Race alumni Courtney Act, embraced Cavallo immediately.

 

On October 27, Cavallo made a life-changing and, he hopes, game-changing revelation. In a video clip posted on Twitter, the Adelaide United defender explained that he is gay. The video has now been viewed over 11 million times on Twitter alone. His Instagram following has spiked, up from 10,000 before his “coming out” to almost 150,000 by the latter part of November. His voice has, overnight, claimed authority and relevance. He is now invited to opine on the polemic debates of our times, whether that be a World Cup in the deeply homophobic environs of Qatar or the ongoing culture war inflicted upon transgender people in the West.

In this interview, as he leads the Attitude 101 Sport category, he discusses both topics with sensitivity and insight, explaining: “I want to represent the LGBT+ community, to be a role model and an icon for future generations. I want to be a voice heard loud and clear, to make sure everyone is accepted within society.”

Cavallo’s story is a global one, but it remains, also, a deeply personal tale. This is, after all, a man’s truth stepping out of the shadows after 22 years. It is little surprise that his most tender reflection should come close to home. “I am really close to my brother Christian,” Cavallo says. “But I did not even tell him about what I was going through. When I Facetimed him and by that point he knew, he said, ‘Josh, I have never seen you smiling like this before’. That made me sad to think my brother had only just seen that big smile from me. If I close my eyes now, I can still see his face smiling at me, proud of me.”

On the day Cavallo revealed his sexuality online, he recalls his phone glitching due to the sheer volume of supportive messages. He smiles: “I felt this instant relief off my shoulders, as though everything in my life felt lighter, like I had instantly shed 30 kilos. I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. This was more than football, it was my personal life, something I achieved. I won the race hitting that post button.”

 

Cavallo may have only turned 22 last month but for him, this moment has been a long time coming. His grin, charming and infectious, breaks out repeatedly as he describes a “phenomenal” first month as an openly gay footballer. 

He depicts his childhood as “really good”, typical of many young Australian boys who enjoy playing tennis, cricket and football. He recalls waking up in the early hours to catch every moment of previous World Cups played in far-flung places. By the age of 16, his football obsession had evolved into a confidence he could become a professional. Yet internally, he also knew something else: he was attracted to men. He scrolled the internet, searching for visible reference points in his line of work, scratching around for a story to tell him that he could be a gay man and a footballer. 

 

“Growing up, I did not have that guidance,” Cavallo concedes. “I remember reading about Justin Fashanu and we all know how that story ended, in that he took his life. It was not a nice story to hear. I had started to feel that I am gay and I struggled to fit in in that way. There was nobody to look up to and I did struggle with that. There were times I was saying to myself, ‘I might have to turn away from the game’ or ‘I will not be able to both be myself as a gay person and do what I love to do in playing football’.”

As a teenager, he did not confide. Not in his family, not in his friends and not in his team-mates. Cavallo may be in his early 20s but he says society had still left him “thinking that I should be ashamed of myself, that I should have a wife, that I should have a conventional family and kids, that it should all be traditional”.

And so he repressed his true identity. He says he did not access mental health support services. He says: “I did not want to tell anyone, not even one person.” 

Did anyone suspect him to be gay? “Look, I have been battling this for six years,” he begins. “So, I have gotten really good at lying. It became natural to me to lie without even thinking about it. Nobody picked up on it. Nobody has said to me they got a vibe and my friends were quite shocked.

“Maybe my personality does not naturally give an impression — not that it would be a problem at all if it did — but I was really good at living this double life, and nobody even questioned it. But it was in my mind 24/7, when I woke up in the morning, when I was in the shower, when I put my head on the pillow at night. It went on and on and on. It got to the stage my go-to mode was lying. I am learning to undo that in my life.” 

Coming out is a fraught process imposed upon LGBT+ people, and it can take many years to untangle. The lying underlined his sense of difference as a teenager. He says: “I didn’t want to lie to my friends and loved ones. I wouldn’t want them doing that to me, so why would I do it to them? It was the fact, too, that I could not be myself around my friends. Also, when I was on the pitch, I was thinking about conversations I might need to have afterwards and making up stories on the spot. It is a hard double life to live. As a professional athlete, you cannot have distractions like this. I remember a game where I just started thinking, in the middle of it, how I would tell my friends and family about it (sexuality). 

 

“I reached a point where I was considering whether my happiness was worth more to me than playing football. I did not want to continue living as a straight footballer and I was not enjoying life. I wanted to express who I am. I did not want to continue the act. It is tiring and exhausting to perform this act.”

Last year, despite his turmoil, Cavallo was named as his club’s rising star at their end-of-year awards. Internally, however, he felt empty. “Everyone was so proud and happy for me, but I was sad and numb. I should have been jumping out of my skin excited. Instead, I went home and I was crying. It was a double life I did not want to live. I had achieved something, but I was stuck in this shadow, stuck in this feeling of not being my authentic self.”

As he suffered, Cavallo’s response was not to share the burden but isolate himself. He withdrew from friends and family. He does not cite any cases of outright homophobia, but he cites those awkward and uncomfortable instances to which so many LGBT+ people will relate. He became paranoid, evasive and fearful that even simple questions could lead to him being caught out.

“After I finished training, I would have a shower, get changed and leave,” he explains. “I would not hang around and talk to the boys. I would not be social or go out for dinners or to the bars with them. I wanted to avoid those situations, even just that normal talk of, ‘Who are you seeing?’ or ‘Who’s the missus?’ People do not mean to offend or say anything bad in that respect, but I removed myself from those situations to avoid them.

“It affected me a lot. It made me feel like I did not fit in, like I was not normal, like I could not relate to my team-mates, my friends or my family. By removing myself from situations, it became a very isolating and lonely process. I was by myself all the time, which is not good for anyone’s mental health. I didn’t want to continue that.”

Just over two months ago, during pre-season for his team in Australia, Cavallo appeared out of sorts in training. The club’s assistant manager, Ross Aloisi, called him in, noticing how Cavallo seemed inhibited. “Ross is a father figure to me in Adelaide. I sat him down in the coaching office and said I want to be happy and that I am gay,” says Cavallo. “I said I wanted to come out. Ross said to me: ‘If that makes you happy, then I am proud of you and I will be with you all the way to support you’. He said he was sad I had to go through it alone and he just wanted me to be comfortable in my own skin. That really touched me and Adelaide United brought that unity. They made me comfortable enough to open up.”

In the Adelaide dressing room, Cavallo says there has been no negative response. “Once I told the team, shortly before I told the world, some of the boys were getting emotional. They felt bad that I had felt I had to hide for such a long time. They gave me hugs and said they were proud of me. The best thing was, five minutes later, we were all sitting in the changing room and talking about football again. That’s how I wanted it to be. I wanted them to accept it and move on. I am still their mate and a footballer. Nobody has acted differently around me.” 

His liberation has also improved his professional performance. “As an athlete, you want to be performing at the best of your ability. This was a huge distraction. Being isolated and not hanging around anyone, and hiding from everywhere, it was very lonely and does lead you to dark places. I needed to be bubbly, confident on the field and performing well. It affected my football. People thought I had a good season last year, but I feel like I wasn’t my actual self or free. My coach said to me the other day, ‘Josh, it’s only been a few weeks, but we have seen you go to another level in your development’. I feel like a new and upgraded version.”

Away from football, Cavallo says he barely had contact with LGBT+ people before coming out in late October. Football acted as a “shield”, a focal point that, to an extent, deflected from personal issues. Yet eventually, he was overwhelmed. “I had hidden it from everyone,” he says. “It was when I was at home, with thinking time, or crying myself to sleep, when I was very sad.”

 

Recently, he reached out to the former Hull City academy footballer Thomas Beattie, who revealed himself to be gay in an ESPN column in July 2020 and he became a source of counsel. The LGBT+ community has embraced Cavallo and he, too, has swiftly become a vocal role model. 

Cavallo has represented his country at under-20 level and harbours aspirations of playing at a World Cup. Next year’s tournament in Qatar will be played in a state where same-sex acts are illegal. In an interview with The Guardian, Cavallo said: “To know that this is in a country that doesn’t support gay people and puts us at risk of our own life, that does concern me and makes me re-evaluate — is my life more important than doing something really good in my career?” 

Robbie Rogers, the former American footballer who initially retired when he came out in 2013 before later returning to the game, wrote a column for USA Today in 2015. Titled “FIFA doesn’t support gays”, he accused the governing body of failing to protect LGBT+ athletes by awarding World Cup hosting rights to Russia in 2018 and Qatar in 2022. Cavallo agrees that FIFA has a duty of care to LGBT+ players and supporters.

Since speaking out, has Cavallo received any reassurances from either FIFA or the Qatari organisers of the World Cup? “Unfortunately, it has not happened yet,” Cavallo says. “I am looking forward to possibly hearing something about it. It is a huge topic. I stand with my LGBT+ family, particularly in the Middle East or other countries around the world where people have to hide their sexuality or gender identity due to discrimination and human rights violations. It is something I would like to help change. 

“I hope that a World Cup in Qatar could help to shed a light and ignite a dialogue for LGBT+ Qataris and push their government to create a change, against the criminalisation and discrimination towards our community. I want to help that change. I am fortunate to live in a country where laws are in place to protect my human rights, but it is concerning to live every single day in fear of your life or your freedom, fearing imprisonment because of who you are. I want to make this loud and clear for the world.” 

 

Cavallo turns his gaze outwards, but also inside the LGBT+ community. He has read up on the experiences of the transgender community and the divisions between LGBT+ people. He is, for example, opposed to the controversial LGB Alliance, which argues it exists to support lesbian, gay and bisexual people but have been accused of excluding transgender people and stigmatising the transgender community. When the LGB Alliance sent a message of support to Cavallo on Twitter, he responded by saying “lgbwiththet”, referencing how he believes transgender people should be included. 

On its website, the LGB Alliance states it is opposed to trans women being welcomed “into lesbian spaces” or trans men being admitted “into gay men’s spaces”. Angela Raynor, the deputy leader of the opposition Labour Party in the United Kingdom, has previously denounced the alliance as a transphobic hate group, despite it having charitable status in the UK.

“This is hugely important to me,” Cavallo insists. “Look at it this way: I felt that I did not fit into society because I am gay. If there are people in the trans community who feel isolated, then that saddens me. Why can’t everyone be welcome? I don’t want any alliance going in and sidelining people. I want to encourage and involve everyone. It makes me sad, and it feels divisive. It is why I made a stand. If they are comfortable in their skin, then I am there to support them as trans people every step of the way.” 

 

Having played his first game since coming out for the opening season of the A-League in November and delivering a strong performance that drew overwhelming support from his team’s fans and players on both sides, Cavallo feels replenished. His 22nd birthday also corresponded with a fans’ day at Adelaide’s training ground, where he was overwhelmed by well-wishers. He wants to remain an advocate.

“I want to become the person who I did not have when I was growing up, the gay person that people can see,” he says. “It might be a younger person, or it may be an older person who is in that same place, coming to terms with who they are. They will have a role model in me. I feel honoured that people are reaching out and have said, ‘Thank you for helping me get through the day’ or ‘you have helped save my life’ or ‘you help me to feel accepted’. That was the main goal for me, really, to try to be that person who I didn’t have when I was a kid. It is a very special feeling.”

Despite the lack of openly gay players, he believes football is making progress. “It is important that clubs and players are seen to have reached out on social media. These are huge clubs and institutions — the Premier League, Barcelona, Manchester United and Liverpool, for example — it is important we hear these people say that it is OK. For Jurgen Klopp to say in a press conference that gay players would be welcome in his changing room, and he would never cross an eye on that, is fantastic and shows how, from the top down, it can be accepted.”

It all sounds so overwhelmingly positive. Has he encountered any negativity at all? He shakes his head and the smile returns. “To tell you the truth, everyone has congratulated me. The direct messages I have received have been positive. It just made me think, ‘Why have I been hiding this for so long?’ It is sad to think people are hiding away, struggling in the closet. This first month has been phenomenal, I can’t wait to live another month, another year, another 10 years. The world feels exciting to me now.”