If You are a Top Then Be The Right Top, Same for Passive (Over 16+)
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| Douching QUISPE LÓPEZ Them |
To learn more about douching and how to do it safely (and conveniently), read Matt Baume’s guide (updated by Fran Tirado) on how to douche with a water bottle.
Eating out
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It’s exactly what it sounds like; eating out refers to using your mouth to stimulate your partner’s erogenous zones, like their anus, vulva, and beyond.
If you want to read more about how to eat out like a pro, read Ian Kumamoto’s article surveying an array of queer folks about what makes the ultimate munch.
Fingering
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It’s exactly what it sounds like. Fingering refers to using your fingers to stimulate your partner during sex. While it’s often portrayed as a form of foreplay, fingering can be the main sexual act for many queer folks.
“Fingering can truly mean arousal of any part of the body that gives you pleasure, but most often, is referring to the vulva, clitoris, vaginal canal, and anus,” Polly Rodriguez, CEO and Co-founder of sex toy company Unbound, explains.
To learn more about fingering, check out Quispe López’s article on what it is and how to do it well.
Golden Showers
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Also known as piss play, watersports, or urophilia, if you want to be formal, golden showers refer to any sex acts involving pee. It’s an often misunderstood and misrepresented kink, but it’s also popular, as surveys have found that many queer folks are into it!
If you want to read more about golden showers, check out Evelyn Bauer’s guide.
Gooning
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Podcast nerds and porn enjoyers may be familiar with gooning, but for the newbies out there, we’re here to explain. Gooning refers to an uninhibited, primal form of masturbation that leads to a trance-like state that some people aptly call “goon state.” But do people actually goon?
Read Quispe López’s piece to learn more about gooning.
Hanky Code
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Queer people have always found covert ways of flagging who we are to each other — sometimes, literally! The hanky code, often referred to as flagging, originated in 1970s gay leather communities as a way of cruising and letting other people know what you were looking to do.
To learn more about its rich history, reach Evelyn Bauer’s article breaking it all down.
Impact Play
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Falling under the umbrella of BDSM, impact play is an umbrella term that includes any hitting, spalling, punching, or kicking that is erotic in nature. It’s crucial to approach it with care, consent, and caution before diving into impact play.
To read more about how to get started and what to know ahead of time, check out Quispe López’s piece on impact play.
Outercourse
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Not to state the obvious but you don't need penetration to have sex! Outercourse, a catch-all term for sex and intimate acts that don't involve penetration like mutual masturbation and oral sex, is a central part of many queer people's sex lives.
“Some people may view outercourse as foreplay and others may view outercourse as the main course,” says Lena Peak, a queer sexuality educator and founder of Eros Insights. “There’s no definitive answer here, you and your partner(s) get to define these terms for yourselves, or even reject them altogether!”
If you want to read more about outercourse, check out Sara Youngblood Gregory's article.
Pillow Princess, Stone Top, and Touch Me Not
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While top, bottom, and vers are terms rooted primarily in gay cruising circles that have now been adopted more broadly by LGBTQ+ communities, lesbian spaces have historically had their own terminology as well. Pillow princesses (or stone bottoms) refer to people who only bottom, whereas stone tops and touch me nots are people who exclusively top (the prior is a broad term, while the latter is culturally specific to Black queer people).
To learn more about the history of these terms, check out Sara Youngblood Gregory’s article.
Riding Face
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Being eaten out doesn't have to be a stationary activity; there are plenty of ways to take control while you receive. Facesitting, commonly referred to as riding face, allows you to be in the driver's seat while getting eaten out, making it easier to control the motion of the ocean and direct your pleasure.
If you want to learn how to ride face like a champ, read Sara Youngblood Gregory's piece.
Scissoring
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Scissoring is one of the most iconic queer — and perhaps misunderstood – sex positions out there. While some have called it a myth, it is in fact a real sex position “where two people, usually with vulvas, are facing each other and interlock their legs in a scissor-like position while rubbing their genitalia together,” says Irma Garcia, a certified sex educator.
If you want to learn how to scissor, read Adejoke Mason’s sexpert-sourced guide.
Sexting
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Sending sexy messages has always been hot — think erotic letters between star-crossed lovers. But during lock down, they became a necessity and lifeline even. Sexting is what it sounds like — sending sexual text messages to someone — but it’s beyond just shooting off some hole pics!
To learn more about the art of sexting, read Stephanie Nieves’s piece.
Sniffies
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The dreaded apps can feel so scary, but with the right guidance, they can be a useful and functional tool for getting what you want. Sniffies is an app that can help you find hot people, primarily queer men, in your area.
If you want to learn how to use it right, check out James Factora’s deep dive into the app.
Squirting
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A form of sexual release that is often shrouded in mystery, squirting often refers to the involuntary release of clear liquid through the urethra during sex, whether it’s before, during, or after an orgasm. It is different from peeing during sex, as squirt is made up of a combination of bodily fluids from the bladder and the Skene’s glands.
If you want to learn more about what squirting is, as well as some tips to help you possibly achieve it, read Evelyn Bauer’s guide.
Strap-ons
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A classic queer-coded but not exclusive sex toy, strap-ons consist of a harness and a dildo that a wearer can strap to their body. While iconically queer and often associated with sapphic sex, anyone can use a strap on.
To read more about how to strap for beginners, read this guide by Sofia Barret-Ibarria and strap in.
Top, Bottom, and Vers
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“Do not get so attached to a title or a label. You do not have to have one, so take some pressure off yourself,” Jimanekia Eborn, a trauma specialist and sexuality educator, tells Them.
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| TOPPING |
Now that we’ve established what a top is, here’s the expansion pack. Topping can be a spectrum, as no single top has to be one way, though it often refers to the person doing an act to someone during sex, whether it be penetration, eating out, fingering, fisting, or something else entirely. While topping doesn’t always refer to taking an active role during sex, it often does.
To read more about what topping is and how to do it right, check out Matt Baume’s piece.
Tribbing
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Similar but not the same as scissoring, tribbing refers to a sex position that involves rubbing your genitals on your partner’s body. While this can be their genitals, it can also be their leg (lesbians get it), their torso, and more.
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