Haggard Offers Gay Lip Service
Haggard Offers Gay Lip Service, Ridiculous Weight Advice
by Andrew
Oh, Ted Haggard. What on earth are we going to do with you? First you’re a closeted, homophobic preacher. Then you admit to gay sex, leading to your religious exile and now you’re back at the pulpit and today got the press all riled up over a “big announcement.” Were you coming out? Of course not! You were simply paying lip serviceto gay communities by allowing them into your new church, but refusing them the right to marriage! That’s rubbish.
Yes, Haggard’s back in the news, reader. It’s a loathsome event, although certainly one worth mentioning. Haggard, you see, recently moved back to Colorado Springs, the town from which he was banished after his gay hooker scandal broke in 2006. He’s quietly been holding prayer services at his home and recently incorporated a new church, the St. James Church. The Evangelicals have a short memory, clearly.
In an effort to bolster his church’s image, and perhaps save some face, Haggard announced today that he and his flock will welcome gays with open arms. “All are welcome. Whether you’re a Democrat, a Republican, gay, straight, bi, tall, short, addict, recovering addict,” said Haggard, who admitted to buying meth from his preferred prostitute, Mike Jones. Haggard concluded, “I believe Jesus’ arms are open to all.” That sure sounds like sweetness and delight. Perhaps Haggard has learned a lesson after all. Too bad it’s completely elementary.
Though we gays – and our donations – are all well and good, Haggard’s church does not condone gay marriage. “We are a church and I believe that God’s ideal plan for marriage is the union of a man and a woman in a heterosexual monogamous relationship, so those are the types of marriages we will do in our church, Haggard said, before continuing, like “It is God’s ideal that all of us have our weight under control.” Wow: gay marriage is like dieting, and Haggard won’t touch it, because, “I don’t want to be a political activist. I want to help people.” Okay, so gays, who may want to be helped to marriage, have to sit in the pews and let a hypocrite preach his version of the truth? You sure haven’t grown that much, Haggard.
I can understand why a gay Catholic, for example, would continue practicing at a church that prohibits his or her ranks. It’s an old religion, one with deep roots. Haggard’s roots, meanwhile, are dubious at best: he made his name feeding an inherently anti-gay movement and now that he’s lacking friends, he’s turning to those he once condemned.
Christian charity’s all well and good, but I’d have a lot of trouble understanding why an out gay person would want to kneel down before him.
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