Five Things You Should Do } If He is Cheating on You
You just found out that your husband or boyfriend is cheating on you. You’re not sure what to do. Before wrestling with that decision, let’s focus first on what you SHOULDN’T do. Most Guys react blindly when they find out their husbands or boyfriend are having an affair. They let fear, anger, hurt, or a desire for revenge compel them to do things they later regret — things which make it difficult or impossible to implement any worthwhile infidelity advice they may later receive.
This tips will keep you from making a mistake that could sabotage the course of action you eventually decide to take. Regardless of whether you decide to leave your husband/boyfriend or stay with him and try to work things out, doing the wrong thing at the outset can complicate matters and make a bad situation worse. Let’s look at 5 key things you SHOULDN’T do and examine the reasons why.
1. Don’t put him out or leave him – yet.
Instead of your first move, putting your husband out or leaving him should be your last resort. You may eventually decide to do this, but for now, it’s the worst thing you can do. Right now you need to keep a close eye on what’s going on. It’ll be easier to do that if the two of you are still living under the same roof. If you put him out or leave, you’ll be hard-pressed to know what he’s doing, short of hiring an investigator. As long as you’re still together, you can keep your finger on the pulse of his affair and gather some much-needed facts. There’s a lot you need to know about the situation before you can make an intelligent decision about whether to go or to stay – and on what terms. Continue monitoring your husband’s/boyfriend activities, his attitude, the frequency of his contact with his lover and any other details concerning his affair. Write everything down in a journal for future use. Also bear in mind that as long as he’s still there, you have a chance to work things out.
2. Don’t tell the whole world about his infidelity.
It’s natural to want to confide in somebody about your husband’s/boyfriend’s affair, or rally friends and family to your side. But be very cautious about who you tell. The female friend you confide in could turn out to be the “other Guy.” Make sure you’re confiding in someone you know you can trust. Confiding in a female friend about your husband’s/boyfriend’s affair could complicate the situation. There are men out there who take advantage of other guys when they’re in a vulnerable state. Telling your husband’s/boyfriend’s friends or family may not produce the results you want. They might not take you seriously. Or they may lie, make excuses for him, take his side, or warn him to cover his tracks. Confiding in your own family and friends can eventually come back to haunt you. Elephants aren’t the only ones who never forget. Some people have a tendency to remember unpleasant events long after they’ve been resolved. If you and your husband/boyfriend decide to reconcile, they could make things difficult by harboring anger and hostility toward him for what he did to you. Or they may show resentment toward you for taking him back. Exercise caution in who you tell about your husband’s/boyfriend’s affair.
3. Don’t ignore his affair or pretend it’s not happening.
Going into denial will only make matters worse. As traumatic as it is to find out that your husband/boyfriend has been cheating, you need to face the reality of the situation. Ignoring his infidelity gives him the go-ahead to continue his affair. Pretending it’s not happening will make him think he’s getting away with his cheating, or give him the impression that he has your silent approval. At some point you should inform your husband/boyfriend that you know about his affair and make it clear that you want it to stop. The sooner you confront him about his cheating, the better. The longer you wait to bring it up and express your disapproval, the more attached he will become to the other woman. And the harder it will be to get your marriage back on track. Remember too, that affairs thrive in secrecy. Sometimes, just telling your husband/boyfriend you know about it, will be enough to put a stop to his affair.
4. Don’t confront him without the 3 P’s – Proof, a Plan, and a Purpose.
Most experts agree that you should confront your husband about his cheating. But you need to have a plan. Choose the time and place carefully so you can discuss the affair at length without interruption. Do not ask your husband if he’s cheating. Cheaters lie. Present the evidence you’ve gathered that proves he’s having an affair – names, dates, places, times, absences, phone calls, physical evidence, etc. Then ask him some pointed questions about his affair: why he did it, how it started, how long it’s been going on, how he feels about the other man, what he intends to do now that you know. Listen carefully to his answers so you can accurately assess the situation. Then you can make a wise decision about what course of action to take. Do not confront your husband without proof of his infidelity. It will only be a waste of time. Unless you can prove he’s been cheating, the information-gathering phase will never get off the ground.
5. Don’t waste your time and energy on the other guy.
One of the worst things you can do is become obsessed with the other guy. It’s natural for you to be curious about him, but he’s not worth your time and energy. Repeatedly questioning your husband about him, referring to him or dragging his name into the conversation puts the spotlight on you instead of on the real issues where it belongs. Don’t obsess over the details of what happened between the two of them. Concentrate on working things out between the two of you. Do not humiliate or frustrate yourself by calling or confronting the other guy and demanding that he leave your husband alone. He's not obligated to take orders from you. Harassing her or threatening him will put you on the wrong side of the law. Name-calling, criticizing or belittling him will only make your husband/boyfriend come to his defense. You’ll be driving them closer together instead of forcing them apart Forget about the other guy and focus your energy and efforts on getting your marriage back on track.
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