Open Relationships: A Gay Thing?
The Research on Gender & Sexuality at San Francisco State University released a study that details what many of us already know – gay couples are engaging in open relationships. Termed “San Francisco” relationships, 45% of gay men in the Bay Area reported that they have a primary partner with whom they are committed, but still have the option to have a little on-the-side romp with other beaus. Though San Franciscans have named this phenomenon after their region, it begs the question if open relationships are a California thing, a gay thing or quite simply a people thing.It’s not as if non-monogamy is something new in the world of relationships. Conservative studies estimate that 30-60% of married people (the vast majority of which are heterosexual) will cheat on their partner during the course of marriage. Considering these infidelity statistics are regularly the result of surveys, this means that the cheating offender must admit to it – which probably means the actual percentage is closer to 60% than 30%. But we don’t really need studies. A spin on the casual encounters section on craigslist is lousy with partnered people, both gay and straight, trying to get their jollies off outside of the ol’ marital bed.
So why are people so hell-bent on making non-monogamy a gay thing? After all, swingers and swing clubs are increasing in popularity and many of its participants are heterosexual, conservative, religious folks. It seems like a lot of people are itching, privately or publicly, to have a little NSA fun, not just us gays.
Unfortunately, it’s easiest to make it seem like gay people are the only ones who have open and non-monogamous relationships – after all, what goes on behind our boudoir doors is the main reason we’re a subjugated class. Everyone is trying to figure out what we do and how we do it and why we do it and this juicy tid-bit about allowable trysts is sure to rile the gay-sex obsessed. Though many gay couples adhere to traditional, monogamous relationships, the media will always highlight the sensational side of gay sexual relations.
Under the scrutinizing eye of a watchful heterosexist society, should we hide from our San Francisco relationships? Absolutely not. First of all, most gay couples who have open relationships sustain long-term, happy and fruitful lives together – unlike the serial monogamy that has become straight marriage. And these happy couples generally have rules which safeguard against sexually transmitted diseases and other dangers associated with having down-low affairs (like a spray-painted sedan). Whether you believe in monogamy or not, it can’t be denied that open relationships work for many, many folks and can actually add to their quality of life.
The fact is, most people don’t stay with one person for their entire life without cheating or divorcing. Though sex is a taboo topic, LGBTs are beacons to a repressed people who believe that they are alone in their fantasies or practices. More than that, we’re opening the door to others who think that the only kind of relationship available is one based on a conservative, protestant, heterosexual paradigm which actually doesn’t exist: one man, breadwinner, one woman, nurturer and house-cleaner and two kids who have gender-appropriate tastes.
Monogamy is not bad. Monogamy is possible. But monogamy isn’t the only way to have a happy relationship. Let us take pride in all parts of our community, because it’s working for thousands of happy, safe lovers, which is more than we can say for a lot of heterosexual couples. What many couples do in secret, we have the courage to do in a mature, open way, which is how human sexuality can and should be.
Photo Credit: denharsh
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