GAYSIAN
Written by: Young 'Ricky' Tan
Ok, so now I’ve caught your attention with the smolderingly hot Asian model (who, alas, is not me), I will share my personal experiences of being a gay Asian – a ‘gaysian’ – living in the UK. I grew up in a very ‘typical Chinese’ household, with strict, ‘traditional’ parents – strict as in still imposing a curfew when your child is over 18, and ’traditional’ as in believing that ‘bunking one lesson at school is practically a war crime’ and ‘a gay child is an unforgivable taboo’.
In my experience, there are two main things that Chinese parents want their children to achieve in life: the first is getting a good degree in a reputable subject in order to get a well-paid job that can support them and the parents; the second is marrying another well-educated and well-presented person in order to make lots of little grandchildren and carry on the family line. Unfortunately, being gay, alongside never finding a partner, staying unmarried and divorce are considered shameful or even sinful in the eyes and minds of many Chinese people in older generations.
Needless to say, talks or at least mentions of relationships have always occurred, though rather less frequently than discussions about the importance of my studies. Unsurprisingly, all of those talks and mentions would be of heterosexual relationships. Phrases such as ‘when you get married’, ‘when you find a girl’ and ‘when you have children’ commonly spew forth from my mother’s mouth. I have never really responded to those conversation starters or even brought it up myself, so the insignificance of this topic within my family has always been clear – at least for now.
I realised I was gay, or at least bisexual, not long before starting secondary school and before entering my teens; but I never really addressed it properly to myself or close friends until quite a few years later. In those years, I had not weaved myself a sob story; nor I had I lived a particularly exciting life. I managed to get through the majority of my early and mid-teenage years avoiding questions and conversations about the opposite sex and sex itself. Confused thoughts and feelings for both girls and boys would compete in my mind throughout those years, before the boys eventually won.
Gok Wan, one of the UK's few out 'gaysian' celebrities, if not the only one, should be seen as a pioneer for many of us other 'gaysians' in this country
Today the majority of my friends do know, and while many have blabbed to their own parents, I can trust none of them will tell mine. Yet the questions from them and others are still the same: ‘what would your parents do or say if they knew?’ and ‘will you ever tell them and if so, how and when?’ My answer is fairly simple: I can’t say exactly how my parents would react if they did find out, but I can guarantee it would not be a good reaction.
I have survived the past ten years without my parents finding out or questioning me, or, it seems, even suspecting me of being anything other than compliantly straight. Instead, the pressure of my doing well in my studies first has always been at the forefront of their minds. I have always said to people that I will find a way to address, deal and resolve the issue if and when it arises – be it soon or in other five years or so – and while some might find that strange, I feel this unplanned approach suits me fine. If the subject of sexuality and relationships is not stressing my parents right now, then there is no need for me to be worried, meaning I can still live my own personal and private life without their looming and disapproving presence. Of course, it would be amazing if I could strongly believe that my parents (and even entire family) would accept and understand me and life would be no different (or at least no worse than it is now). I’d love to have more confidence, or to feel there was a need to come out to them, but, alas, that is not the case at this point in my life.
Having asked a few of my ‘gaysian’ friends about their own experiences and thoughts on the matter, many agreed with or were in the same boat as me – their parents do not know they’re gay and they do not want them to know, at least not right now. I know of a few guys who have also managed to get through their lives without their sexuality being detected by their parents, despite its obviousness. I’m moved to ask: are some parents so scared of this taboo being a reality within their own family that they will completely overlook it and not confront it, fearfully waiting for their children to come out to them instead?
I have one ‘gaysian’ friend who boldly came out to his parents. His news was met with shock, huge disappointment and even some anger – after a while, however, his parents realised this was not just a phase. Nor could they do anything to change their son, and thankfully they did not go as far as disowning him. It seems they have now accepted it but still do not talk about it, and they have never told friends or other family members. In this case, it seems, respect for their son’s sexuality appears to be there, but the shame remains too.
Of course, I understand the risk of being ‘found out’ by writing this article for So So Gay and for whatever I may do or write on Facebook or Twitter, but thankfully I canuse privacy settings to conceal my private life from my family on Facebook. Some might not agree with ‘keeping secrets’, ‘hiding away’ or even outright ‘lying’; but if you honestly did not believe this part of you was any of your family’s business, where is the harm? Life for me as a ‘gaysian’ feels pretty great right now, aside from always being an object in the eyes of the world’s prowling ‘rice queens’ (shudder), and I will live it out, however secretly, for as long as I want to, or can.
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