For Every Winner There Is a Looser, In this Case Wives of Gay men
Revelers shoot confetti out of their window as they watch the Gay Pride Parade in Toronto on July, 3, 2011 in a file photo. As summer pride events are held across the country, Annie Lewis is among what one advocacy group estimates to be millions of straight spouses in the world who married a gay man or lesbian.
Photograph by: Mark Blinch, Reuters
Annie Lewis says she thought she had the perfect life — two kids and a loving husband, whose military career had allowed them to move across the country for 24 years.
But one Sunday afternoon in June 1996, her world came crashing down when her doting husband, whom she fell in love with during a summer vacation in Corner Brook, N.L., when she was 16, announced he was gay.
"I was in total shock," said Lewis, 57. "We had a great family, a wonderful sex life and there was lots of love and affection. I had no idea."
Lewis is not alone.
As summer pride events are held across the country, she is among what one advocacy group estimates to be millions of straight spouses in the world who married a gay man or lesbian.
The decision to come out of the closet can be difficult not just for person coming to grips with their sexuality — but also for their loved ones.
It’s a potentially heartbreaking revelation that can fragment the family unit and often leads to an icy split. But, as with any relationship, it’s not so easy to walk away.
Some straight spouses not only come to terms with their spouse’s sexuality but choose to stay together, either for the sake of their children, or for financial reasons, living separate lives under the same roof.
According the Straight Spouse Network in New Jersey, there are approximately two million straight spouses in the U.S. Seventy per cent are straight female spouses and 30 per cent are men of lesbian spouses, the group says. The organization, which bases its estimates on population statistics, says they receive five new emails from straight spouses every day.
"One of the first thoughts I had was, 'I'm the only one who is going through this,'" said Lewis. "When your husband comes out, the family goes in the closet."
Lewis pushed her husband out of the closet that fateful Sunday when he entered the living room looking distressed.
Their kids, who were 18 and 21 at the time, were informed of their father’s secret before he moved out of their home on the Canadian Forces Base in Toronto three months later.
"He said nothing had to change, we could still have dinners and go to the movies. I thought, 'I have enough friends, I needed a husband,'" Lewis recalled.
"I was in a lot of emotional pain, uncertainty. I was thinking where do I go from here? This military lifestyle was all I knew," said Lewis, who was a homemaker for the early years of her marriage.
To cope, Lewis threw herself into her work at a medical office, started a part-time master's degree at the Adler School of Professional Psychology and made money by being a Canadian mother to international students who shared her home.
Lewis, who has co-founded Straight-Forward, a support group for straight spouses of gay and lesbians in Toronto, said there are several stages in the coping cycle.
"At first, you’re shocked, and then you’re in denial, then anger and, in time, there’s acceptance."
Lewis cites religious, social and family pressures as factors to why gay men and women marry straight.
Amity Buxton, founder of Straight Spouse Network, has worked with 20,000 straight spouses of gay people since 1986. After 25 years of marriage, her first husband, a Second World War veteran, came out while they were separated.
Buxton, 82, and author of The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families, said there are no clear signs to tell if your spouse is gay.
"They are the best actors in the world . . . in hindsight, there are signs, like coming home late or dressing better, but those are also signs of an affair with anyone," said Buxton. However, online history is a common thread of exposure nowadays.
"When (the gay spouse) comes out, they feel relieved and may feel your wife should be cheering you on, but they don’t realize that finding your husband is not attracted to you, destroys your self-esteem . . . your sexuality. It’s shattering," said Buxton.
Diane, a 65-year-old retired teacher from Oakville, Ont., discovered her husband was gay five years ago after he was arrested for indecent exposure in a public washroom in the General Motors town of Oshawa.
"He’s very stubborn and didn’t want to say it," said Diane, who didn’t want her real name used for the sake of her children, who may not have shared their father’s story with extended family and friends.
She said she plummeted into debt trying to win her husband’s interest back, getting into the theatre — one of his interests — and raked up an enormous credit-card bill, shopping for new clothes and a gastric bypass that helped her shed 90 pounds.
"It left me in financial ruin," said Diane. "I did a lot of crying and yelling to express my frustration. I thought, was I not good enough with sex? I’m so fat. There was a lot of self-hatred and anger."
"It was a heterosexual world back in 1969," said Diane, of the year they married.
Diane and her husband remain married, living separate lives, saying a divorce would be too expensive. Her husband moved back with her recently after he was badly beaten by a younger man he was seeing during a break-in at his Toronto apartment.
Buxton said that one-third of couples break up immediately after the gay spouse comes out, another third separate tries to work things out, but separate eventually, another third remain committed to each other, but after three years, only half of these couples are still together.
Jane, a 44-year-old Toronto theatre teacher, knows this experience well. With two small children under the age of 10 and the main breadwinner of her household, she didn’t want to shake things up too much for her kids, and remains married to her gay husband and living in the same house but separate quarters for the time being.
Her husband, whom she has been married to for the past 22 years, came out in January 2009. She was having a good laugh watching comedian Russell Peters when her husband came in and dropped the bomb that he liked men.
"I felt like my heart was just being ripped out. I cried for a good year," said Jane.
"You are doused with enormous dreams for your future . . . but when they come out, you feel like it’s a huge abuse of a life, the betrayal and the feeling of being used was painful," said Jane.
"I’m really grateful to have the kids to keep me going because I had no choice but to get out of bed every morning."
Her husband grew up in a religious family who said homosexuality was a sin that would lead you to hell, explained Jane.
She said there were clear signs, looking back — when she found her husband’s deprogramming book to be brainwashed straight, his gay pornography collection, when he came out as bisexual after their first daughter was adopted, when she contracted pubic lice or when she found his online alias to contact other gay men. The list was endless, but she continued to turn a blind eye.
"I got scared of confronting when I found the obvious things, I was too scared of the answers," said Jane.
Time and therapy was a healer for Jane. She has since moved on and found a new boyfriend.
Her husband, who she still sees as a great father and committed family man, is less angry and moody, she said.
Jane said she feels more sympathy for her husband now because he was not able to be true to himself for so many years, because of his upbringing.
Jane didn’t want her real name used for her husband sake. He is still not out to his parents.
achung@postmedia.com
But one Sunday afternoon in June 1996, her world came crashing down when her doting husband, whom she fell in love with during a summer vacation in Corner Brook, N.L., when she was 16, announced he was gay.
"I was in total shock," said Lewis, 57. "We had a great family, a wonderful sex life and there was lots of love and affection. I had no idea."
Lewis is not alone.
As summer pride events are held across the country, she is among what one advocacy group estimates to be millions of straight spouses in the world who married a gay man or lesbian.
The decision to come out of the closet can be difficult not just for person coming to grips with their sexuality — but also for their loved ones.
It’s a potentially heartbreaking revelation that can fragment the family unit and often leads to an icy split. But, as with any relationship, it’s not so easy to walk away.
Some straight spouses not only come to terms with their spouse’s sexuality but choose to stay together, either for the sake of their children, or for financial reasons, living separate lives under the same roof.
According the Straight Spouse Network in New Jersey, there are approximately two million straight spouses in the U.S. Seventy per cent are straight female spouses and 30 per cent are men of lesbian spouses, the group says. The organization, which bases its estimates on population statistics, says they receive five new emails from straight spouses every day.
"One of the first thoughts I had was, 'I'm the only one who is going through this,'" said Lewis. "When your husband comes out, the family goes in the closet."
Lewis pushed her husband out of the closet that fateful Sunday when he entered the living room looking distressed.
Their kids, who were 18 and 21 at the time, were informed of their father’s secret before he moved out of their home on the Canadian Forces Base in Toronto three months later.
"He said nothing had to change, we could still have dinners and go to the movies. I thought, 'I have enough friends, I needed a husband,'" Lewis recalled.
"I was in a lot of emotional pain, uncertainty. I was thinking where do I go from here? This military lifestyle was all I knew," said Lewis, who was a homemaker for the early years of her marriage.
To cope, Lewis threw herself into her work at a medical office, started a part-time master's degree at the Adler School of Professional Psychology and made money by being a Canadian mother to international students who shared her home.
Lewis, who has co-founded Straight-Forward, a support group for straight spouses of gay and lesbians in Toronto, said there are several stages in the coping cycle.
"At first, you’re shocked, and then you’re in denial, then anger and, in time, there’s acceptance."
Lewis cites religious, social and family pressures as factors to why gay men and women marry straight.
Amity Buxton, founder of Straight Spouse Network, has worked with 20,000 straight spouses of gay people since 1986. After 25 years of marriage, her first husband, a Second World War veteran, came out while they were separated.
Buxton, 82, and author of The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families, said there are no clear signs to tell if your spouse is gay.
"They are the best actors in the world . . . in hindsight, there are signs, like coming home late or dressing better, but those are also signs of an affair with anyone," said Buxton. However, online history is a common thread of exposure nowadays.
"When (the gay spouse) comes out, they feel relieved and may feel your wife should be cheering you on, but they don’t realize that finding your husband is not attracted to you, destroys your self-esteem . . . your sexuality. It’s shattering," said Buxton.
Diane, a 65-year-old retired teacher from Oakville, Ont., discovered her husband was gay five years ago after he was arrested for indecent exposure in a public washroom in the General Motors town of Oshawa.
"He’s very stubborn and didn’t want to say it," said Diane, who didn’t want her real name used for the sake of her children, who may not have shared their father’s story with extended family and friends.
She said she plummeted into debt trying to win her husband’s interest back, getting into the theatre — one of his interests — and raked up an enormous credit-card bill, shopping for new clothes and a gastric bypass that helped her shed 90 pounds.
"It left me in financial ruin," said Diane. "I did a lot of crying and yelling to express my frustration. I thought, was I not good enough with sex? I’m so fat. There was a lot of self-hatred and anger."
"It was a heterosexual world back in 1969," said Diane, of the year they married.
Diane and her husband remain married, living separate lives, saying a divorce would be too expensive. Her husband moved back with her recently after he was badly beaten by a younger man he was seeing during a break-in at his Toronto apartment.
Buxton said that one-third of couples break up immediately after the gay spouse comes out, another third separate tries to work things out, but separate eventually, another third remain committed to each other, but after three years, only half of these couples are still together.
Jane, a 44-year-old Toronto theatre teacher, knows this experience well. With two small children under the age of 10 and the main breadwinner of her household, she didn’t want to shake things up too much for her kids, and remains married to her gay husband and living in the same house but separate quarters for the time being.
Her husband, whom she has been married to for the past 22 years, came out in January 2009. She was having a good laugh watching comedian Russell Peters when her husband came in and dropped the bomb that he liked men.
"I felt like my heart was just being ripped out. I cried for a good year," said Jane.
"You are doused with enormous dreams for your future . . . but when they come out, you feel like it’s a huge abuse of a life, the betrayal and the feeling of being used was painful," said Jane.
"I’m really grateful to have the kids to keep me going because I had no choice but to get out of bed every morning."
Her husband grew up in a religious family who said homosexuality was a sin that would lead you to hell, explained Jane.
She said there were clear signs, looking back — when she found her husband’s deprogramming book to be brainwashed straight, his gay pornography collection, when he came out as bisexual after their first daughter was adopted, when she contracted pubic lice or when she found his online alias to contact other gay men. The list was endless, but she continued to turn a blind eye.
"I got scared of confronting when I found the obvious things, I was too scared of the answers," said Jane.
Time and therapy was a healer for Jane. She has since moved on and found a new boyfriend.
Her husband, who she still sees as a great father and committed family man, is less angry and moody, she said.
Jane said she feels more sympathy for her husband now because he was not able to be true to himself for so many years, because of his upbringing.
Jane didn’t want her real name used for her husband sake. He is still not out to his parents.
achung@postmedia.com
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