Sticking with This Couple, Learning The4 Q’s To Ask Before Getting together Again

 

By Catherine Pearson

The New York Times

 

When the superstars Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck married in 2022, decades after calling off their initial engagement, it seemed like the stuff of a romantic Hollywood blockbuster.

“Love is beautiful,” Ms. Lopez wrote after the couple’s Las Vegas nuptials. “Love is kind. And it turns out love is patient. Twenty years patient.”

But Ms. Lopez filed for divorce from Mr. Affleck on Tuesday after two years of marriage, ending months of frenzied media speculation about their shaky union, and highlighting a decidedly unromantic truth: Reuniting with an ex-partner does not guarantee a happy ending.

“I have certainly seen people who are in long-term happy relationships who got back together after having broken up,” said Elizabeth Earnshaw, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Philadelphia. “I would say that is the exception to the rule.” 

Many couples counselors said they recommended taking an almost clinical approach to reuniting with an ex — even (or especially) if you are swept up in the thrill of rediscovering old passions. Here are four questions therapists recommend asking.

1. Do we both understand why we broke up?

That is a “laughably obvious” question to start with, admitted Lisa Marie Bobby, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Denver and the founder of Growing Self, a counseling and coaching service. But if you and your partner cannot both articulate a clear answer without defensiveness or tension, that is a red flag, she said.

What patterns hurt your relationship? What deeper issues led one or both of you to see it as unsustainable?

“It can be very hard to get visibility onto the real ‘why,’” Dr. Bobby said. She often recommends seeking therapy individually or as a couple to gain insight.

2. Am I just lonely? Are you?

Loneliness can bring on feelings of longing and wistfulness, said Anthony Chambers, a board-certified couples and family psychologist and the chief academic officer at the Family Institute at Northwestern University. It can also cause people to take on an especially rosy view of past relationships, he said. 

 

If you recognize that your desire to reconnect is rooted in loneliness, you might benefit from dating. Or you might want to think about strategies for finding connection that have nothing to do with romantic love — perhaps by focusing on strengthening your ties with friends, family and your community.

And if you find yourself swept up in nostalgia for an old love, grab a piece of paper and jot down some of the challenges you faced in the relationship, Dr. Chambers said. The idea isn’t to dwell on them but to be clearheaded about the past. Think of it as due diligence, he said, noting that it can also help foster conversations with your ex as you’re trying to decide if you should give the relationship another chance.

3. What has changed this time around?

Start by asking yourself whether you might do things differently this time around, Ms. Earnshaw said. You could ask questions like “Have I changed what I’m expecting in a relationship?” she said. “Have I changed the way I communicate? Have I changed the way I regulate my emotions?”

Then consider: What has changed about your partner? Most of the couples Ms. Earnshaw knows who have successfully reunited have clear answers to those questions.

“They’re able to say, ‘Well, we’ve grown up. We’ve gotten jobs. We’ve matured. We’ve gone to therapy. We’ve thought ourselves through, and we’ve had other relationships,’” Ms. Earnshaw said.