The Doctor Speaks about Open Relationships

                      

 A Dr. Greg Cason writes “The truth about open relationships” on frontiersmedia.com.  I can’t vouch for the Doctor but I can agree with what he writes because it is consistent with everything I’ve read and experienced on the subject. Growing up as the sexual revolution had engulfed this country in the 70’s,  open relationships were an option for many guys I knew. This is way pre gay marriage so you can understand why the option was appealing for many since we felt we were writing the rules as we went along. This option never appealed to me since I grew up in my teens thinking, hoping maybe that I was straight and thus saw myself ‘married with children.’ As I got to make gay friends I learned there was an option and to be completely honest it was a better option than getting involved and then cheating and hiding boyfriends on the side. Particularly when I came out to my mom at 24, I thought it would be such a burden to be in a relationship and then having to keep secrets on the side that the whole process of coming out would have very little meaning to me since I wanted to be honest about who I was and wanted an end to the lies and made up stories. Neither way rep[resented who I was but was open minded enough to accept it on people I surrounded my self with but saw guys who tried to have serious multi relationships and saw them failed at all of them. I thought that one monogamous relationship took a lot of time, commitment and love to make it last.

Having same sex marriage which is a serious commitment with two people and it would take very special people to ignore the vows made to bring others into the circle.

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The longer you’re in a relationship, the less sex you’re going to have.“ At least that’s according to sex sociologist and author of The Monogamy Gap, Dr. Eric Anderson. The thing is, he’s right. Ask anyone who’s been in a relationship longer than five years and they can easily point to the decline. Does that mean the relationship is no longer working or the couple needs to “spice things up“? Maybe they should just secretly subscribe to porn sites and hire hookers. This has long been the heterosexual model, but is it the best option?

Monogamy didn’t come into fashion until fairly late in human history, born out of the notion that wives and children were the property of the husband, according to Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá in their book Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality. Now it’s firmly a part of heterosexual culture (at least the appearance of monogamy is).

Gay couples have long pioneered an alternative route: open relationships. Approximately 50% of gay male relationships are “open“—meaning there is sex outside the relationship with the partner’s knowledge and approval—according to a San Francisco State study published in 2010. But will this number remain the same now that gays can get hitched the way their parents did?

According to the latest Gallop poll, 49% of all gay couples living together are now legally married. But other research has shown those in same-sex marriages often start to copy the “traditional“ hetero mold,  meaning when they say “I do,“ they think they have to say “I don’t“ to sex with others.

Whether gay or straight, couples often see a declining sexual relationship as a negative. But is it? “Instead of recognizing [decreasing sex] as a product of a failed relationship,“ Anderson asserts, “We actually need to recognize [decreasing sex] as a product of an improving relationship.“ Could he be right? Could every long-term relationship in America just be improving?

“Sexually open relationships have better marital happiness rates, longer marriages, greater satisfaction in marriages,“ according to Anderson, to which he adds, “That doesn’t come through spicing up the sex another way with the same partner for year after year. That type of sexual novelty comes with a new body.“

It seems gay couples know just that. According to a 2013 University of Michigan study, 42% of open gay couples are “early adopters“ and open things up in the first three months. But most gay couples move a bit slower, starting out with a period of monogamy, slowly opening up to having sex with others. Most gay couples take an average of five to seven years to make it official.

If things have slowed down in your bedroom and you are thinking about talking with your partner about opening things up, consider the following:

 

1. Start with a Strong Foundation

Opening things up sexually does not signal a faltering union, but it is a sure-fire way to hasten its demise if the relationship is already in a weakened state. Don’t do it if there is any question about the solidity of your relationship. This is not a remedy; it’s an adventure. Make sure your relationship house is always something that draws both of you back home.

2. Ponder Your Personality

Those who do best in open relationships tend to be more creative, non-conforming and individualistic people who are less concerned about the opinions of others and more concerned about their own values and ethics. But it can’t be all about you. You need to be able to communicate and work out relationship problems—something those in monogamous relationships often struggle with doing effectively.

3. Are You Jealous or Joyous?

Consider how you handle knowing your partner is with another. Does it turn you on and excite you? Or are you threatened and scared? Those who are able to successfully manage multiple partners often have a character trait that those in the polyamory community call compersion. Compersion is really the opposite of jealousy and refers to a feeling of delight when your partner experiences the joy of intimacy with another. If either person feels jealousy or fear, then it’s important to manage it and not blame your partner. If you can’t, an open relationship is not for you.

4. Forge Agreements (Not Demands)

Assume nothing. Rules that two people make together are agreements. Rules that one person makes and assumes the other should follow are demands. Agreements lead to openness and trust and are likely to be followed. Demands lead to lying, hiding and rebellion. Make sure you work together and create only agreements regarding both sexual and emotional boundaries. In addition, figure out how much you are going to tell each other and how much you will share with others about your extra-curricular activities. Be frank and specific about everything.

5. Make Sure Your Agreements Cover All Bases

WHO are you both allowed to “encounter?“ Other coupled guys? Three-ways only? Anonymous? No friends? WHAT acts are you cool with your partner doing? JO only? Anal? Safer sex? Top or Bottom? Condoms or Bareback? Overnights? WHEN is it OK to have your “extra helpings“? Only when one of you is out of town? Only when together at a bar or bathhouse? Only on Sundays? Anytime? WHERE can you step outside? Only outside the home? Only at home? Everywhere at home but in the bed we share? Only at the Republican Convention? Anywhere? HOW are you allowed to meet others? Apps like Grindr and Scruff? Face pics allowed? Only in bars? Only chance meetings? However the hell we can?!

Don’t stop the talk. Reassess all of your agreements at regular intervals; not everything you set up in the beginning is going to work. This process may take more time than you think, and it may be made easier with the help of an informed and sympathetic therapist.