The Bond of Gay Sons to their Accepting Fathers
IF fathers are the heroes in every man’s life, they are the superheroes for gay men who have feared losing their love and support just for being themselves.
When former St Kilda footballer Nicky Winmar announced recently that he regretted not always being supportive of his son, Tynan, after he came out many years ago, he also revealed he is now unrestrained in his praise and pride in his son’s achievements.
The head of beyondblue, Georgie Harman, says there can be a stigma around coming out and fear of negative consequences can make it particularly stressful.
“Research shows that most young men know they are attracted to the same sex at the age of 13.7,” she says. “This is also an incredibly risky time in a young man’s life when he is feeling vulnerable and forming an identity anyway so it’s a really crucial time.”
But Harman also says a study from 2010 shows half of all people came out to their fathers first and half of those reported a supportive response.
“It’s moving in the right direction because support from fathers is incredibly important to young men who are grappling with their sexuality,” she says. “Coming out is a really complex issue because it’s very personal and depends on the environment in which they are disclosing and how ready they are to potentially lose their family. That’s how serious it is for some people.”
The head of young gay support group Minus 18, Micah Scott, says negativity around coming out is based on fear of rejection. It can take time for fathers to educate themselves and accept that it can be a process of discovery or that acceptance can be instantaneous.
“It’s reformatting a relationship, rediscovering what that means for the dad and learning that just because their son is gay, it doesn’t change the fundamental things,” Scott says. “We’re noting a lot more dads getting in touch with us and years ago it was only mums or no one at all, so there is a much higher level of acceptance from parents now and dads in particular. It’s also more common for boys to come out younger.”
Weekend has spoken to a group of gay men who all say the love that is the basis of their relationships with their fathers is crucial to their wellbeing, stability and successful relationships.
Their fathers are their role models, advisers and definitely their heroes.
When former St Kilda footballer Nicky Winmar announced recently that he regretted not always being supportive of his son, Tynan, after he came out many years ago, he also revealed he is now unrestrained in his praise and pride in his son’s achievements.
The head of beyondblue, Georgie Harman, says there can be a stigma around coming out and fear of negative consequences can make it particularly stressful.
“Research shows that most young men know they are attracted to the same sex at the age of 13.7,” she says. “This is also an incredibly risky time in a young man’s life when he is feeling vulnerable and forming an identity anyway so it’s a really crucial time.”
But Harman also says a study from 2010 shows half of all people came out to their fathers first and half of those reported a supportive response.
“It’s moving in the right direction because support from fathers is incredibly important to young men who are grappling with their sexuality,” she says. “Coming out is a really complex issue because it’s very personal and depends on the environment in which they are disclosing and how ready they are to potentially lose their family. That’s how serious it is for some people.”
The head of young gay support group Minus 18, Micah Scott, says negativity around coming out is based on fear of rejection. It can take time for fathers to educate themselves and accept that it can be a process of discovery or that acceptance can be instantaneous.
“It’s reformatting a relationship, rediscovering what that means for the dad and learning that just because their son is gay, it doesn’t change the fundamental things,” Scott says. “We’re noting a lot more dads getting in touch with us and years ago it was only mums or no one at all, so there is a much higher level of acceptance from parents now and dads in particular. It’s also more common for boys to come out younger.”
Weekend has spoken to a group of gay men who all say the love that is the basis of their relationships with their fathers is crucial to their wellbeing, stability and successful relationships.
Their fathers are their role models, advisers and definitely their heroes.
TRISTAN AND FINLAY SINCLAIR
WHEN Tristan Sinclair told his parents he was gay, their relationship immediately improved. While it might have been an anticlimax for Tristan, 28, it was the clarification his father Finlay, 64, needed.
“I remember thinking that at least now we can just get on with life and he can get back to his studies,” Finlay says. “He was struggling at school and I was a bit frustrated with him not progressing because I’m an electrician and I wanted more for him than to be a tradesman, but once he came out it was like we cleared a hurdle. He started to do better at school and we fully supported his more arty direction at school.”
Tristan, who is a dancer and runs a dance school, clearly remembers coming out. He knew he was gay at 16 and his mother, who had been raised a Mormon, found out before he had a chance to tell her.
His father had been raised in a strict Protestant household with a Scottish father who was a disciplinarian, adding to Tristan’s concern he may not understand that the younger of his two sons was gay.
“My mother held the knowledge as a terrible burden for four months without telling my father because she was worried he wouldn’t deal with it and maybe thought it was a phase I was going through or just experimenting,” Tristan says. “It was weighing on her mind so it got to the point where I decided to tell him but even then I kept putting it off until it got to the time when I thought he was going to bed.
“He was having a bath so I stood behind the bathroom door and told him I was gay. His response was, ‘Oh, I think your (great) uncle might have been, too.’ He wasn’t shocked or disappointed at all and it’s quite funny looking back on it now.
“I remember him driving me to see my first boyfriend and he was so great. I only had heterosexual sex education at school and no one ever talked to me about all that stuff. He said, ‘I don’t want you to say anything and I don’t need to know about it Tris but I hope you know you should use condoms if anything develops tonight’.
“He has just always been so supportive and I couldn’t ever say anything negative about him.”
Finlay often visits his son and partner Ash in their Coburg North home. He has helped plant their fernery in the large garden and is always on hand for a chat or to mend something in the house.
The family is looking forward to travelling to New Zealand next year to attend Tristan and Ash’s wedding.
“They are great together and we’re very happy about it,” Finlay says. “I just want Tristan to be successful in life and happy. You’ll never be happy if you’re not yourself and parents who have trouble accepting they have a gay child need to remember they’re there to support their kid’s aims in life and they should just get on and live their own lives.”
NATHAN AND BOB MILLER
WHEN Nathan Miller realised it was time to tell the world he was gay, there was only one reaction he feared.
“My dad is ex-navy and a real man’s man so I was worried,” Nathan says.
“But the day I told him, he said, ‘And your problem is?’ When I told him, I almost regretted not telling him sooner, knowing the support I have with my dad and stepmum and the immediate family, which has just been amazing.”
Nathan, 40, works as a chef on the oil rigs in Bass Strait and his father, Bob Miller, 64, used to be a chef in the navy as well as working as a publican. He now works as a part-time swimming teacher.
Nathan has two children, Llewellyn, 20, and Summar, 9.
He came out just as his wife announced she was pregnant, adding to the complexities, but also freeing everyone from the knowledge something was troubling Nathan.
His father has been a constant support, but Nathan says their relationship is stronger since he
came out.
“It’s stronger because I’m being honest about who I am, I’m not trying to hide anything and I’m more open to my dad than I was before,” he says.
Bob agrees and has nothing but admiration for his son.
“It’s been such a good journey for me to see him develop into the man he is today, which I would describe as more stable, sure of himself and happy, which is all any parent should want for their children,” Bob says.
“It must have been very hard for him to lock it up all those years because when you lock things up, you’re fighting against yourself. He was trying to please too many people other than himself.”
When Bob’s wife, Kerry, announced one day 10 years ago that Nathan had something to tell him, Bob thought it would be that Nathan’s marriage was in trouble.
“I knew there were problems and I knew his marriage wasn’t good but I didn’t have any idea he was gay,” he says. “It didn’t change anything for me.
“He’s still my son and you can’t tell your kids what to be. It’s no use arguing or alienating them, just give them full support. Nathan had to be true to himself.
“The only thing I’ve ever insisted on with my kids is that they support Melbourne Football Club.”
Acceptance is not a new experience for Bob, who lives near Maffra in Gippsland.
Bob says he has five children. He is keen to not distinguish between his wife’s children and his own three.
He was happy to attend the commitment ceremony of Nathan and his partner Peter last year.
“Pete is a great bloke,” he says. “He has provided a great, stable environment for Nathan and my grandchildren. I met all Pete’s brothers and sisters at the ceremony and they’re all wags.
“His friends are lovely, terrific people. It was a very happy day and I’d happily vote for gay rights and let everyone get married.”
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| Three out of four of the Ivanov siblings are gay. Picture: Jay Town |
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