If Romney Wins, What Do We Get?
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I really didn’t think it would actually get this close. Yes, Obama had problems – but really Mitt Romney? He doesn’t pass one of the basic requirements Americans ask of the President of the United States: Can you imagine the guy coming around for a beer? As much as a lot of people sneered at what a moron George W Bush seemed, when George was stood next to John Kerry and Al Gore he had one thing they didn’t. A personality.
Think of Bill Clinton, every thing about him screamed, “I feel your pain”. And for some people that went a step further to “I feel you.” On the other hand Mitt Romney screams, “I feel like I should be counting my money in the Caymans.”
Mitt is wealthy. He is worth around the equivalent of £156 million. The rich, elitist David Cameron? Worth only a trifle at £4 million. Mitt probably thinks 10 Downing Street is a council flat. At one of Mitt’s houses he had a lift installed – for his cars. They weren’t able to use the stairs.
So how did we end up with Mitt? His competitors were a mixed lot. There was Rick Santorum, he’s a got a thing about homosexuals and marriage – just Google ‘Santorum’ – but not at work. Herman Cain, an ex-pizza man who wanted to deliver tax savings but spent more time applying toppings to the ladies. My favourite was Newt Gingrich, who proposed building a permanent colony on the moon. The moon!
In that highly competitive environment Mitt Romney still struggled – I mean come on, who doesn’t want to live on the moon! He rarely cracked more that 30 per cent of the total votes in each primary, but he did what he needed to do. Kept smiling, promising that he was ‘severely conservative’, and waited for the idiots around him implode. And one by one they did. That left him the last Mormon standing.
Once he finally got the nomination though, he still struggled to connect. America didn’t want him to come over for a caffeine-free Coke. But then Obama stumbled, the President slept through the first debate. While he was dozing Mitt Romney managed to appear like someone you could at least chat with awkwardly in the elevator. It was enough for him to pull even and then a bit ahead of Obama in the polls.
So if Mitt wins – and he is very close to doing so – what will the world get?
President Romney will be the head of a conservative party that supports focusing on the realissues. Not jobs and the deficit, no it will be important things like protecting marriage from all them gays. To quote Rick Santorum, stopping same-sex couples from getting married is “more important” than stopping abortions. That’s saying a lot because abortion has been the surprise star of this election cycle – and God is on the Republican side in that fight.
Apparently He designed women so that in cases of “legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down” to prevent pregnancy, according to Senate candidate Todd Akin. If that system is down for maintenance, don’t worry because Senate candidate Richard Murdock announced that if “life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen.” Thank goodness all these men are available to explain God’s will regarding women’s issues.
And while Mitt has tacked hard enough to the centre to flip over his sailing yacht, he has also personally endorsed candidate Murdock. But the fun this doesn’t end there. Arkansas State Representative Jon Hubbard, recently pointed out that slavery gets a bad rap – yeah it was rough at the time, but the result is that the ancestors of slaves have been “rewarded with citizenship in the greatest nation ever established upon the face of the earth.” They didn’t even have to pay for the trip over. Maybe we should invoice them for great, great grandma’s cruise.
Big government is also in the Republican line of fire. Literally. Republican Mike Morrell suggested that if Government officials don’t do their job effectively “they should be shot.” Well, that would definitely motivate me to work harder!
These articulate voices are the ones that will be pushing Mitt to stay as severe as he promised in the primaries. Don’t forget the campaign for 2016 presidency has already begun. So while I still hope Obama can pull through I’ve started imagining American under Mitt Romney and the Republican Party. It will be exciting times – unless you’re a woman, minority or Government employee.
Regardless of who wins, I hope the next President decides to build the Moon Colony. I can
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