A Straight’s Man To Coming Out ~~Gay or Bi?~~

 

Craig Brown shares how a formerly straight man realized he was as gay as a parade, and what he’s learned three years on from coming out.

You don’t just come out once, do you? That’s what has struck me time and time again. 

I had been straight (with well-publicized man crushes) all my life. I was married for over 20 years, had three amazing kids and life was pretty damn good.

Not perfect. Still, pretty damn good.

Suddenly I was meeting up with friends and family to talk about being gay. What changed? Would you believe it was Schitt’s Creek?

Courtesy of a broken patella, I was couch-bound watching Patrick sing to David when it finally dawned on me: I was gay.

A weight I never knew existed lifted. My ‘self’ finally made sense. But am I ‘gay’ or am I ‘bi’?

After six weeks of crying myself to sleep, dreading uttering the words out loud, I prepared for my world to crash and decided to come out to a close friend.

I wanted a free swing, to say “I’m gay” without it ending my marriage. In hindsight, it didn’t go to plan.

Instead of asking questions, he told me flat out that I wasn’t gay, that I was bisexual. I was even more confused and vulnerable after that.

A few days later, I told my wife that I was bisexual. I hurried it. She deserved better. She asked – not told – me if I was sure I wasn’t gay?

So, in my first two coming-outs, a straight friend had corrected me about my sexuality, and my wife had questioned me about it.

That’s not something I had anticipated. 

After I came out, my wife’s support was unswerving. She was also right: I was super gay. What did I learn from this?

Top tips for being you

First, if someone comes out, the best posture is listening.

Even if we’re expert queers, opening our mouths should be restricted to affirmations and questions. Whoever is talking is the expert on their sexuality.

Second, coming outs get better with delivery. After a few, I knew how to cut to the chase and to assure people I was okay and still me – in fact, more me than I’d ever been.

Third, I learned to be more considerate of those I was telling. Even though this was about me, I’d been sitting with it for a while.

The fear and adrenaline rushes began to dwindle for me, but the questions I had answered in my head were still new and fresh to them.

I learned gentleness.

Fourth, it gets tiring! So. Damn. Tiring.

A queer acquaintance asked me at a Christmas party whether I had experienced “coming out fatigue” and I resonated with that.

After that, unless it was necessary, I withheld coming out – even when necessary, it was along the lines of, “You know I’m gay, right?”

Finally, it’s a privilege to come out publicly and safely. That’s not everyone’s situation, even here in Australia.

So, when I come out now, I remind myself of the freedom I have to be authentically me.

It’s been a journey. From those nervous, trembling and fearful first encounters (coming out, not sex!) to now almost casually mentioning my sexuality, I’ve come a long way. So many more mistakes to be made, of course, but God it’s the only way I learn.

I suspect that I’m not alone in that.

If you need help and support in your coming out journey, contact Rainbow Door. It’s a free support service for our communities, daily from 10am – 5pm.

Call: 1800 729 367
Email: support@rainbowdoor.org.au
SMS: 0480 017 246

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