South Meets North at a Gay Wedding in India

 

By Rosalie R. Radomsky 

The New York Times

Dr. Yuvaram Nellore Vilambi Reddy and Chetan Bhasker Jhaveri exchanged pride garlands — six roses in subtle rainbow colors alternating with traditional red and white ones — on Aug. 10 in the grand ballroom at the Springfield Country Club in Springfield, Pa.

“We knew we wanted a traditional Hindu ceremony,” said Mr. Jhaveri, 37, as well as a celebration of their South and North Indian cultures. “I realized it can’t be too traditional since we’re gay.”

While the pride garland exchange, an updated “jayamala” ritual, was Dr. Reddy’s idea, Sapna Pandya, an L.G.B.T.Q. Hindu pandita who was their officiant, walked the couple and their parents through a modern, inclusive Hindu ceremony. (She has led 10 gay Hindu weddings in the past year).

“I gave them the run of show, a specific flow they could go by,” she said.

Six years earlier, in April 2018, as Dr. Reddy was coming to terms with coming out as gay, he noticed Mr. Jhaveri, of Gujarati, North Indian heritage, on the Coffee Meets Bagel dating app. 

“He was the only man that I dated,” said Dr. Reddy, 34, who moved to Tamil Nadu in South India when he was 6 from Bloomingdale, N.J., with his parents.

Dr. Reddy, glad to see an Indian man on the dating site, graduated with a bachelor of medicine and bachelor of surgery from Sri Ramachandra Medical College and Research Institute in Tamil Nadu and received a Master of Public Health from Harvard. In the weight of the moment, he found some comic relief — a photo Mr. Jhaveri posted of himself making a monkey face next to a painting.

Dr. Reddy, a nephrologist and an assistant professor of medicine at the University of Pennsylvania, is also the director of diversity, equity, and inclusion for its renal-electrolyte and hypertension division. He is a core investigator focusing on disparities in access to home dialysis at the VA Center for Health Equity Research and Promotion in Philadelphia.

Mr. Jhaveri, left, and Dr. Reddy exchanged rainbow-colored garlands during an updated “jayamala” ritual performed by Sapna Pandya, an L.G.B.T.Q. Hindu pandita who led a modern, inclusive Hindu ceremony.Credit...Surya Garigipati Photography & Films

Mr. Jhaveri, 37, who does leadership coaching, grew up in Hughesville, Md., and is conversant in the Gujarati language, graduated summa cum laude from Duke and received an M.B.A. from M.I.T. and an M.P.A. from Harvard. 

On Sept. 16, he is to begin working remotely from Philadelphia as an artificial intelligence strategist at Hop Labs, a consultancy based in New York. He is also a founder of Sophia, a mental health startup that started in the Boston area in 2017.

Mr. Jhaveri, who came out after college, was inspired by Dr. Reddy’s photo at a rally supporting patients’ rights with a megaphone. But, unlike him, Mr. Jhaveri was a bit jaded by all his dating, and replied as the match was about to expire eight days later, March 18, also Dr. Reddy’s birthday.

Three weeks later, on April 7, they met at Moona, a Mediterranean restaurant in Cambridge, Mass., where Mr. Jhaveri chatted about mental health and Dr. Reddy addressed health care advocacy.

“It was more exciting than nerve-racking,” said Dr. Reddy, who is conversant in the Tamil and Telugu languages.

Mr. Jhaveri, always game for out-of-the-ordinary experiences, later suggested they continue the evening at the nearby Inman Oasis Hot Tub as they walked by it.

“I don’t think in a million worlds I would go on a hot tub date,” Dr. Reddy said. “I not so subtly meandered toward ice cream.” 

Instead, they stopped at Christina’s Homemade Ice Cream in Cambridge and then sat on a bench across the way, where Dr. Reddy, a chocoholic, enjoyed a chocolate hazelnut cone and Mr. Jhaveri, a mint chocolate chip one.

They then walked to Mr. Jhaveri’s apartment 10 minutes away in Central Square and played “Pandemic,” a board game, over green tea. (Dr. Reddy volunteered as an early emergency medical worker at Massachusetts General Hospital when Covid hit two years later).

Around midnight, they parted with a very awkward first kiss. Instead of taking the bus home to the south end of Boston, Dr. Reddy opted for a 40-minute walk along the Charles River to think things over.

“He didn’t tell me I was his first date,” said Mr. Jhaveri.

A week later, Mr. Jhaveri, a vegetarian, went to Dr. Reddy’s apartment for dinner. On the menu was homemade sambar, a South Indian spicy lentil dish, with a crispy Masala potato on the side and individual chocolate lava cakes for dessert.

“I was committed to figuring this out,” Dr. Reddy said. “It was the start of my coming out journey.” 

A month later, Dr. Reddy came out to his older brother, who then accompanied him to New Jersey in June to break the news to his parents. “They were surprised, but supportive,” said Dr. Reddy, who was the first openly gay person in his family. “They wanted time to understand.”

Binge more Vows columns here and read all our wedding, relationship and divorce coverage here.

Dr. Reddy and Mr. Jhaveri began seeing each other weekly. Dr. Reddy soon also tried becoming a vegetarian but gave up after steaming an artichoke and eating it three days in a row.

 

In January 2019, the two moved into an apartment in the Mission Hill area of Boston. During the pandemic, they binged episodes of “Survivor” or played the board game Citadels. Dr. Reddy made his go-to dosa, a south Indian crepe made of fermented rice and lentils, with a stone grinder from scratch when friends and family visited.

In 2021, they began couples therapy.

“We both felt like there was a need to iron out some issues at home,” Mr. Jhaveri said. This included “who does the dishes,” Dr. Reddy said.

By the end of the year, they bought a house in the Olde Kensington neighborhood of Philadelphia, where their mothers were on hand to help them unpack and organize their spices. A year later, they adopted Chai, a silky brown Labrador mix the color of chai latte. 

In early 2020, they spoke about marriage, but they wanted a traditional Indian wedding ceremony and decided to wait until they came out to their extended families. The final piece of the puzzle fell into place in September 2023, when Dr. Reddy attended his cousin’s wedding in Puducherry, India, and introduced Mr. Jhaveri to his extended family.

“People made it a point to express love and acceptance,” Dr. Reddy said.

 

“What I foundri, right foreground seems to be dancing in front of it with both arms up in the air. A ceiling of purple and red squares is lit above them.   is someone who complements me beautifully,” said Mr. Jhaveri in his vows. Credit...Surya Garigipati Photography & Films

Their three-day celebration — organized with the help of 40 tabs on an Excel spreadsheet — focused on community and creativity.

On Aug. 10, Sapna Pandya officiated, before 330 guests at the Springfield Country Club.

“Her paternal grandfather was a pandit who knew my uncle,” Mr. Jhaveri said.

An hour before the ceremony, Mr. Jhaveri participated in a modified Baraat, a groom’s North Indian wedding procession around the parking lot, while Dr. Reddy hid from the heat upstairs in the overlook room.

The grooms, who wore South Indian silk kurtas and veshtis with a blue border for Dr. Reddy and peach border for Mr. Jhaveri, walked around a fire seven times as part of the puja rituals. They also exchanged jeelakarra bellam, which involved the exchange of cumin, jaggery (unrefined sugar) and rice — symbolizing the sweetness, bitterness, and abundance each brought to the union. 

Their first dance was a Raas-Garba with sticks choreographed by Mr. Jhaveri to the Hindi song “Chogada” from the Bollywood movie “Loveyatri,” which is a love story about two people from different backgrounds.

Mr. Jhaveri recalled one South Asian guest, who stood by her wife, said: “Thank you for doing this and doing it big. It’s a celebration for all of us.”

Instead of wedding rings, the couple exchanged pendants of Ganesha, a Hindu god.

“It was my mom’s idea,” Dr. Reddy said. “She liked the symbolism of Ganesha, the clearer of obstacles.”

Image

The male Indian couple, foreground left, kiss in a dark room under chandeliers at an art installation in Philadelphia. All types of mirrors cover a purplish-black back wall. 

“I wasn’t sure that a day like this could ever be possible for me,” Dr. Reddy said in his vows. “Then I met you.”Credit...Surya Garigipati Photography & Films

At the reception guests enjoyed Indian sweets like jalebi, 15 pies, five cheesecakes and a four-tier wedding cake divided into red velvet cake with vanilla frosting, and lemon blueberry poundcake with blueberry frosting.

Dr. Reddy said in his vows, “Six years ago, I was unsure, uneasy, and anxious. I knew I wasn’t straight. I wasn’t sure if I was brave enough to come out as gay to my family, my friends — or even myself. I wasn’t sure that a day like this could ever be possible for me. Then I met you.” 

In his vows, Mr. Jhaveri, said, “What I found is someone who complements me beautifully, and in so doing, helps each of us become the people we want to become.”

 

Pottery, Henna and Sandalwood Paste Kati rolls, street food, were served on Thursday evening at the nonprofit Clay Studio in Philadelphia. Some guests made pottery, while others got henna tattoos at a mehndi. Mr. Jhaveri got a temporary tattoo in the shape of a monkey, while Dr. Reddy got a lion and an elephant. Guests blessed the grooms at the haldi ceremony by smearing sandalwood paste on their faces, hands and feet.

A Room Block Party Friday evening, to interact and build community, guests hosted various events in their hotel rooms, including karaoke, board games and do-it-yourself terrariums in Mason jars with crafts shipped from Michaels craft store. Stickers to put atop the jars included a photo of their dog Chai and holograms.

Scavenger Hunt Friday night, after answering 10 out of 15 questions on a quiz correctly, including who climbed Mount Kilimanjaro with Mr. Jhaveri and who traveled to the wedding from Perth, Australia, guests gained access to a secret snack room including British Kit Kat Chunky bars and triple chocolate chip cookies from Blunch, Dr. Reddy’s favorite from his Boston days.

False Alarm Friday night someone accidentally pulled a fire alarm in Room 202, and a fire truck arriving on the scene turned into a treat for the children, who climbed into the truck. One of Dr. Reddy’s improvised vows was to find out who pulled the fire alarm. Everyone denied it.