"When Someone Tells You Who They Are Believe Them"
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| This is not yours to break |
ice by Elaine Welteroth
Hi Elaine: I’ve been in a committed monogamous relationship for close to 6 years. Before this, my partner was polyamorous and chose to do monogamy before we committed to each other, but also said someday they might want to open the relationship up in some way. Recently, my partner crossed a boundary with someone else — allowing themselves to be tempted to cheat. This isn’t the first time. It makes me feel disrespected and unsafe. I’ve lost a lot of trust. We have been planning a big move and starting to have kids soon. Do I stay with this person after losing so much trust? I’m 34 and anxious about starting over but I want to value myself too. I’m not sure I could do an open relationship after this.
— Stay or Go?
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Elaine Welteroth writes about big life changes. She’s given advice about finding what’s next after burnout, a friendship that ended in ghosting and changing your mind about your dream job.
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Stay or Go: I know nothing about navigating open relationships. Let’s start there. However, I do know a lot about honesty, commitment, and unfortunately, betrayal. I am so sorry that your partner betrayed your trust. With a big move together on the horizon, the timing of this revelation has brought you to a necessary crossroads.
Before I can advise you on the next steps, I have some questions: When you say that they “crossed a boundary with someone else,” what boundary are we talking about exactly? And how do you know? Did your partner come clean or were they caught? Also, you say it isn’t the first time this has happened — are you openly discussing these encounters?
Shan Boodram, a relationship expert and the author of “The Game of Desire” says, “It sounds like what you have is a relationship structure built on contingent monogamy, where all parties have awareness and agreement about outside intimate connections. Contingent monogamy is when someone makes an agreement but also issues a warning that they’re likely to slip up. People make contingent agreements because they have an awareness of their behavior but no action has been put forth to be competent in a different outcome. People like this may ask for credit for being honest, but for your sake push them to be accountable. Ask what agreements, boundaries, and dealbreakers they can wholeheartedly commit to.”
Ultimately, no matter what they say, their repeat offenses present a bigger question: Do you believe they’re worth another chance?
As Maya Angelou (and my mother) says, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them — the first time.” Your partner has overstepped the monogamous-until-further-notice commitment you made to each other more than once. It’s safer to assume this pattern will repeat itself rather than banking on permanently changed behavior — especially since they have already voiced a desire to open up the relationship “someday.” The reality is, that day has arrived — just without your consent.
Now, you have some tough decisions to make.
I completely understand the anxiety swirling around the thought of starting over and the natural desire to preserve a relationship after investing 6 years. But, do you really want to begin a new chapter with someone who makes you feel “disrespected and unsafe”? Since kids are on the table for the near future, it is critical that you think long and hard about whether or not this is the foundation you want to build your family on. Trust is fundamental to any and every kind of relationship. With your trust broken, there are already deep cracks in this foundation and children will only complicate those issues.
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The choice to open up your relationship was taken from you the first time your partner went behind your back to satisfy their temptation outside of your monogamous relationship. And there’s no guarantee this will stop just because it’s been exposed. Ultimately your actions will communicate to your partner what you will and won’t accept from them. If you stay, you should brace yourself for another encounter with infidelity.
If you leave, your life will open up to endless possibilities and, most importantly, you will earn back the dignity of determining for yourself what you will and won’t accept in this next chapter of your life. I say give yourself a fresh start. If the idea of sharing your partner with someone else doesn’t work for you, it’s best to walk away now, because clearly they can’t commit to not being tempted again and you can’t build a healthy relationship on one-sided terms.
I know this isn’t an easy decision, but try to make it with your future self and family in mind. Because you — and they — deserve better than this
Adam:
After getting involved in a relationship and asking what type of relationship do you want. "I don't share if I find out you have been or are with someone else I will snip, snip your balls"
I figured he wanted monogamy. It would have been the first time for me but I was looking forward to it. New Promotion and no time to be looking for friendship or sex out of the home. I was sure he could keep me satisfied with sex and me with him.
During the third month together he already had moved in with me and sex was great and I could have it when I wanted it he said not." There are some guys that are very well endowed and really they can't hide it. He was one of those and at the beach, he would put a tower. He seemed embarrassed by it. I used to tell him if you have it don't hide it. Well, he did just that in the bathroom of the Staten Island Ferry. He met someone who liked what he had. I found out some of it. BJ when the guy saw him and come on to him. It was a relationship and he was bringing him to my bed when on his day off which I usually had to work. It lasted until I was promoted. and my schedule went 9-5 m-f.
There were times he would disappear from me. Bathroom of the ferry or anything. A bar, or Restaurant.
I did because I did not trust him but did not have hard evidence and he was good with lies, I would remain open in one of my trips out of town or a work dinner or lunch. This stupid relationship went on for 9 yrs until one day I came home and he was gone.
No matter who did what I wanted to be faithful but then I felt like a fool. But would not break. I even felt bad that in all my transfers he quit the job he had to move with me. But it was exciting and his expenses were all paid. Until my last transfer was to his home state.
Those nine years were the worse mistake of my life. That mistake changed me. I lost nine years of my life in which I hit 30, a few grey hairs and I was not fat but did not have the body I started with. He wanted me heavy..yeap. He enjoyed living with me but was enjoying the double life. If I had to go back to fix something It would be that. The night I went to a bar before he moved in with me and we were not dating he searched me out and popped up there and told some guy I was talking to to F*off. I was livid.
Told him I did not want to see him again and took a cab. The bell rings at home and it was him to apologize. Destiny was telling me don't see him again like you said. But I made the 9 yr old mistake.
What I learned was once your partner or boyfriend finds an excuse to not be faithful when it has been mutually agreed, it would not be the last time. Even when he apologizes he means it it will happen at every opportunity for someone that turns him on and you are not around. You will always be thinking and doubting. Life was not meant to be lived without trust for the ones you CHOOSE>.
The story is worse but I think I gave you the main points and hope you believe me and many like me saying to make sure it is understood if this is what both want. If one is not sure You can't do it but mutually understood there is no room for cheating because it is the trust and love that is involved and without those two you want a roommate, not a lover or husband.
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