Before You Judge me Know me } A Coming Out Story

By Jason Wiley,

adamfoxie*Guest Writer  

       As I write this story, I often contemplate the many challenges I face in my life.  I have made many friends, both online and in the real world.  But, I also made many enemies.  Some have even cut off all ties with me.  Fortunately, I always see bright spot in a bad situation.  It feels more like a “If one door closes, another one will open” type of moment.  It also made me believe that not only God is still smiling down upon me, but I am doing His bidding by writing what is on my mind.  But in order to discuss what I go through, I have to look back into some of the most important moments I have created.  

       When I was a child, I did not know what being gay was like.  I was told by my family, the media, and my friends that homosexuality was bad and I would be condemned if I choose that sort of lifestyle.  I was even picked on by other students because I did not live up to their expectations.  Even my own thoughts have triggered the same type of condemnation.  I once thought that it was bad because it would ruin the balance of the family unit, and I have kept it in my soul for many years. 

       That was until I came to college, I was a part of a college entrance program which allows high school students like me to experience what college life is like.  One day, there was a guest speaker, one whom I have found to be unique.  What made him unique was that he was HIV+, and gay.  I was fascinated by his story and made me do some soul searching of my own, and it made me realized that for him being gay, he was no different than any other human being.  So, I stay a little and chatted with him, and even embraced him as a gesture of good will.  It was that moment that made me understand that people are people, and that the only difference between us is the color of our skin. 

       During my stint in college, I took part in a college Christian group.  At first, I felt a sense of belonging with them, but over time I felt more distant, more out of touch with them.  I felt it had something to do with the struggle with my homosexuality.  I have seen counseling for it, but it seems not to be working.  My family life made it no better.  I remember one Sunday after church; they would all meet for dinner at a restaurant.  Then three men also came to the same and sat behind us.  I had a feeling that they were gay, and I had a feeling that they were not, so I tried to stay out of their conversation.  However, my family was not too pleased with them, and was conversating about them.  It made me feel powerless to stand up against them, so I did nothing.  For there, I had a difficult time in my life wondering about who I was in the world.

       When I first came on to Google+, I had very little expectations about the site.  I thought that I would never meet anybody online, but all that changed.   I found myself connected to so many people I thought I felt I finally found a place to be me.  But with every good, there are moments that that I feared would be the dark horse in my adult life.  I expressed feelings that I would never use in real life.  However, the reactions from my online friends have been mixed.  Some distance themselves from me, while others offered me advice on how to handle my situation.  With this I feel like a heavy burden was lifted from me, and on January of last year, I decided to come out to some of online friends.  Their acceptance was a pleasant sight for me, and I was glad to have them.  But I still felt that coming out to my family was not a good moment; even times I decided to take it to my grave if the fates allow them to.  It made realize that being gay was both a blessing and a curse.  

       It is a blessing because I feel I can connect with so many people from the LGBT community.  Also, it is a curse because I have been known to take many of their friendships for granted.  I have let some of them down and put their lives in danger.  I do miss them, but for them to block me or unfollow me would best this way.  I do not want to give them any more pain and anguish.  One day perhaps, they would meet with me again, and on that day, there may be chance to reconnect with again.  Until then, I am just going to be who I always have been for more than 35 years.  I will always be me.  This is my story and I am sticking to it.