Esquire Dude: Women Not “Sexual Olympians”

  | by Laura Donovan  

If you think you’re a decent bed buddy, don’t flatter yourself, says Esquire magazine’s Chris Jones, who wrote in a Thursday piece that many of us are actually inadequate. This according to a self-anointed sub-par sexpert.

Jones begins the article, which is titled, “Ladies: You’re Not as Good as You Think,” by admitting his own sexual shortcomings, possibly to mitigate the fact that his second paragraph starts with this line: “I can still say with confidence that there are women who are worse in the sack than me.” Like many women, he has encountered the disengaged, bored, and greedy sexual partner who is “the human equivalent of the space between the couch cushions, only without the bonus possibility of my finding loose change in there.” The bigger issue, Jones says, is the unwarranted arrogance females have with regards to their sexual abilities:

The trouble is, most women act as though they’re sexual Olympians, as though they’re doing the men in their lives the greatest of favors merely by presenting themselves like a downed deer strapped to the hood of a car. Some of you are deluding yourselves. Sex is not like pizza. Only blowjobs are.

Another selfish guy who likes fellatio more than intercourse, real original. To be fair, he sympathizes with naive, inexperienced “freaks” who don’t totally understand their physiology:

“I knew one poor girl who wouldn’t have sex from behind because she thought that meant anal. Like, maybe grab a mirror and spend some time learning how your own body works. It’s nice, too, when you don’t treat our semen like it’s battery acid.”

I mean, do you want glowing skin or not? As Gawker writer John Cook, who insinuates that this story could perhaps be directed at Jones’s wife of nine years, jokingly put it, “Would it kill you to rub it around your face every once in a while?”

If you’re a terrible lover, Jones says, you need to “bear at least some of the blame — maybe even an entire half of it.” Do some soul searching, explain to your man friend what you’d like him to do to you, “and don’t be afraid to let it all out.” In other words, if you don’t finish, he’s going to take it as a blow to his ego. Nice going.