Thanks for wrecking my life - but I forgive you! Rugby legend Gareth Thomas and his ex-wife
These days conversations between Welsh rugby legend Gareth Thomas and his ex-wife Jemma are few and far between.
Invariably, they take the form of the odd text message — which begin with the words ‘Hello stranger, how are things?’ — but rarely stray beyond polite pleasantries.
But this is the way, Jemma insists, it has to be if they are to cut the emotional bonds which still exist between them and finally ‘move on’.
Torment: Gareth Thomas struggled with his sexuality for years before admitting to wife Jemma he was gay
It is one year since Gareth — former Wales and British Lions captain — publicly announced he was gay. He was the first top sportsman in Britain to do so while still playing.
In an exclusive interview with the Mail last December, Gareth, 36, spoke movingly of how he’d tried to suppress his true sexuality for 20 years and throughout his five-year marriage to his childhood sweetheart, Jemma.
Tormented by the guilt which almost drove him to suicide, he confessed to Jemma in 2006 — three years before he found the courage to go public.
Jemma, 34, supported his announcement and spoke at the time of her forgiveness and continuing love for Gareth: ‘I don’t regret a day I spent as his wife. We will always be the best of friends.’
But are they still the best of friends? It seems it has not been an easy journey for them.
Gareth, who shortly after coming out switched from playing rugby union with the Cardiff Blues to rugby league with the Crusaders in North Wales, has had to contend — on occasion — with homophobic abuse from away match crowds.
He is now rumoured to be considering returning to rugby union, possibly with the London Welsh. He reportedly sees London as the best place to reshape his life.
But with the divorce from Jemma finalised in March and their beautiful home in St Brides Major is now sold, he reportedly remains guilt-ridden over how he broke his wife’s heart and has yet to meet a new partner.
Meanwhile, Jemma felt compelled to leave South Wales for Spain to escape the gossip surrounding the breakdown of their marriage, all the while having to cope with the devastating loss of a husband whom she adored.
Moved on: Jemma is now happy in a new relationship
Emotional self-preservation means that Jemma has effectively had to, slowly but surely, become a stranger to her ex-husband.
Besides, today she reveals she is in love with a new man, a 37-year-old London-based solicitor she met in Spain, where she was working for a furniture company.
They met last April and in August she returned to Britain to start a new life with him in Surrey. She says after all the turmoil and heartache, she is finally ready to put the past behind her.
‘I haven’t been this happy with anybody since Gareth,’ says Jemma, who prefers not to name her new partner, as she wants their relationship to remain private. ‘When we first met, we talked about everything that had happened between me and Gareth. I’m very open about it, because Gareth was a huge part of my life.
‘My new partner is a great listener, he’s a lovely, caring guy. He doesn’t judge. It’s a part of my life that will always be there, but it belongs to the past.
‘When Gareth told me he was gay, it felt like a complete catastrophe, as if my whole world had caved in. But I will always be grateful to him for telling me the truth when he did.
‘I was 30 then, but he could have waited until I was 50 or 60, when it would have been very hard for me to start over on my own again. But he loved me so much he wanted me to have a second chance, while I was still young enough to take it.’
Has she told Gareth about her new love?
‘To be honest, I don’t really speak to Gareth, apart from the odd text,’ she says. ‘I haven’t seen him since before I went to Spain, which is more than two years ago. I do think about him from time to time — that’s inevitable, as we spent so much time together.
‘But whether he knows I’m with someone else, I don’t know.
On their wedding day: Jemma does not regret marrying Gareth and said they had a great life together
‘I don’t think Gareth would tell me if he’d met someone new, as he would not want to hurt or upset me. But if he did, I would be thrilled for him, as we have both moved on so much.
‘There is enough emotional distance now that it wouldn’t be hard for me to see Gareth with someone new. Hand on heart. I would be happy for him — thrilled for him — because he will have found someone he wants to be with.
‘My only hope is that he is happy. I wouldn’t want him to be regretting what he’s done. That’s him, that is who he is, he shouldn’t regret it.’
When Gareth came out a year ago, he received widespread praise for his courage. He spoke out as he wanted the next generation of gay people to feel their sexuality was nothing to be ashamed of — even in the highest echelons of the most macho sports.
The only criticism he attracted centred on his deception of Jemma, who married Gareth in 2001.
How, readers asked, could he have married her knowing in his heart of hearts that he was gay?
The fact he genuinely loved her and tried to suppress his true sexuality — which he’d become aware of when he was 17 — hoping it would go away, cut little ice with some.
Jemma, however, does not want people to feel angry or on her behalf. Only she knows how much Gareth suffered and she says he has punished himself more than enough.
Brave decision: Gareth was the first international sportsman to announce he was gay while still playing for club and country
‘Gareth isn’t a bad person for what he’s done and I’m not a bad person for ending our marriage,’ says Jemma. ‘It’s just unfortunate that we were two people who were in a marriage destroyed by something that couldn’t be controlled.
‘Of course, there were times when I felt angry and thought: “Thanks for wrecking my life.” But I am a forgiving person — and I know Gareth loved me to pieces,’ says Jemma, a farmer’s daughter who met Gareth when they were teenagers and he worked as her postman in Bridgend.
‘We had a great marriage. We had wonderful friends, we didn’t fight, we had money, we both worked, we both earned good salaries. It was ideal.
‘At internationals, all the other wives would ask: “How come your marriage is so perfect?”
‘We would have been together for ever if he hadn’t been gay, but if he hadn’t been gay he would have been a different person. He wouldn’t have been the Gareth I knew and loved.’
It was while living in France, where Gareth then played for Toulouse, that he broke the news to Jemma and confessed he’d visited gay bars and clubs behind her back.
Jemma, who’d recently suffered her third miscarriage, was devastated. She ended the marriage, but Gareth would have preferred to have continued with it.
‘If I’d said I wanted to stay with him, allowing him the freedom to explore his sexuality, I think he would have preferred that,’ says Jemma.
‘In the beginning we said: “We can get through this.” We tried to think of the best solution, as we absolutely adored each other. But you can’t live in a relationship where one cannot provide adequately for another. I wanted all of him, not 90 per cent.
‘Perhaps it would have been different if we’d have children.’
Jemma left Toulouse, moved back to South Wales and confided in her parents and closest friends. There were many tearful conversations between her and Gareth.
‘It was hard to explain, as he hadn’t told anybody and I wanted to protect him,’ says Jemma. ‘We’d split up and it was no one else’s business, but Gareth was such a high profile character there was no escape.
‘In the beginning, Gareth suggested I tell people he’d left me for another woman, but I told him: “Gareth we can’t fib to our closest friends.”
‘And it did cost us friends, people who couldn’t accept Gareth was gay. He is an icon among rugby fans and some blamed me for leaving him.’
For months after their separation, Jemma and Gareth continued to meet every Friday for lunch and the occasional dinner — finding it impossible to make a permanent break.
‘We’d try to laugh and joke, never talking about deeper things. It was as if we were still together but leading parallel lives,’ says Jemma, who took the decision shortly afterwards to join her mother Judi, 62, in Spain.
‘Gareth had been part of my whole adult life. Everywhere I went in Wales we had a shared memory or mutual friends — it all felt so raw.
‘I thought: “We can’t go forward like this.” I needed to close the book, as it wasn’t a normal divorce situation. There was no going back, nothing to discuss, it was all cut and dried.’
When Gareth told Jemma last year he was planning to go public about his sexuality, she was pleased.
‘Being gay is not as taboo as it used to be,’ says Jemma. ‘I’m proud of him for being man enough to go public, because there’s nothing worse than people talking about you continually behind your back. Now they haven’t anything to say.’
As for Jemma, she loved being Mrs Thomas and will never regret her marriage, but she’s put the past to rest. She loves someone else now.
‘It’s a lovely feeling and, thankfully, I have the second chance for it. I wouldn’t change anything for the world at the moment,’ she says.
‘Forgive, forget and get on with it. That’s my philosophy. Life’s too short.
‘You only get one go. Be happy.’
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