Gay Guise: When Straight Men Have Sex With Other Men

Can straight men have sex with men and still be straight?

There is a lot of talk about Bromances these days. The urban dictionary definition

of a bromance is described as "complicated love and affection shared by
two straight

 males." But what if the two men decide to have sex? Does that make
them gay or bisexual?

When girls do this in Girls Gone Wild they are not accused of being
 latent lesbians

or bisexuals. Their sexual orientation is not speculated about at all as it turns out.

But this is different for me.

Understanding Straight Men Who Have Sex with Men

There's growing evidence that many men who have sex with men aren't
 all gay or

bisexual. According to the Centers for Disease Control, more than
 3 million men

who self-identify as straight secretly have sex with other men-putting
 their wives or

girlfriends at risk for HIV infection and other sexually transmitted
diseases.

A recent New York City survey that appeared in the September 19, 2006,
 issue of the

Annals of Internal Medicine found that nearly 1 in 10 men say they're
 straight and have

occasional sex with men. In addition, 70 percent of these men are
heterosexually married.

 In fact, 10 percent of all married men in this survey reported engaging i
n same-sex behavior

 during the previous year.

To best understand these men, therapists and clients need to be able to
 differentiate four terms

that are often confused: sexual identity and orientation; sexual preferences;
 sexual fantasies; and

sexual behavior. Contrary to common usage, they aren't always in alignment.

Sexual identity and orientation encompasses one's sexual and romantic identity,
 in which thoughts,

 fantasies, and behaviors work together in concert. It's the alignment of affectional,
 romantic,

psychological, spiritual, and sexual feelings and desires for those of the same or
oppositegender.

Sexual orientation doesn't change over time. One's sexual behaviors and preferences might

change,

but like one's temperament, one's orientation remains mostly stable. The term also refers to

 how

someone self-identifies, not how others may categorize him or her. Some people self-identify

 as straight,

while others self-identify as gay or lesbian, bisexual, or questioning.
 It's important as

therapists to ask your clients how they self-identify, regardless of with
whom they have sex.

Sexual preferences refer to sexual acts, positions, and erotic scenarios that
someone prefers

to have while engaging in sexual activity. The term takes into account what
individuals like

 to do and get into sexually, not necessarily with whom they like to do it.
Preferences and

 erotic interests can change over time, as one becomes more open or closed
to certain thoughts

 and behaviors.

Sexual fantasies are any thoughts that one finds arousing. They can encompass
 anything-sexual

 positions, romantic encounters, body parts, clothing and shoe fetishes, even rape.
 Sexual fantasies

aren't necessarily acted out. In fact, in many cases, they aren't.

Sexual behavior is any behavior intended to pleasure oneself and/or one's
sexual partner.

It doesn't necessarily reflect one's orientation. For example, men who are
imprisoned engage

in sexual behaviors with other men, but do so out of sexual necessity,
not because of erotic

 interest in another man. They desire the behavior and the sexua
l release it achieves, and the gender of the partner is secondary.

For straight men who have sex with men, same-sex encounters aren't
 about romance or sexual

attraction and desire, but about sexual and physiological arousal-"getting off"
 with another

who's male and accessible. They don't sexually desire or get aroused by
 looking at other men,

only by the sexual act. But if they don't actively desire other men, how do
they get to the point

 of having sex with them? These men typically want to bond with and get
 affection from other men.

Their behavior may reflect a desire to experiment, to engage in something
 that's taboo, or to

express inner psychological conflicts involving their sexual feelings and
 desires that have

 nothing to do with having a gay or bisexual identity.

Straight men who have sex with men do so for a variety of reasons. Some
 have been sexually

 abused and are compulsively reenactingchildhood sexual trauma by male
perpetrators; some

find sexual release with another man more accessible; some have sex with
 men because it's

 easier and requires fewer social skills than those required to have sex with
 women; some are

 "gay for pay" and get financial rewards; some like the attention they
 receive from other men;

some like anal sex, which they're otherwise too ashamed to talk about
or engage in with their

 female partners.

When I learn that a straight client is having sex with men, I ask a series of
 questions: What is

your interest in men? Do you prefer one type over another? Do you feel
drawn and compelled

to satisfy your sexual urges with men? Do you care about the physical
 appearance of the man?

Do women play any role in the fantasy? Is it different for you if they aren't?
I also try to listen

for the themes running through their sexual interests and fantasies, which often
 decode aspects

of their personal identity and histories.

These are the views of Phycology Today