Behind Acts of Homophobia Are Homo-Ignorance and Homo-Avoidance

Dude, I'm Not Gay!

Published on October 4, 2008

A number of times I've had straight men notice my wedding ring and ask if I'm married. I'll say, "Yes," because I am. When he asks my wife's name, I pleasantly correct him and tell him that I'm married to a man whose name is Mike-who is my husband.

Often, the guy steps back and immediately exclaims, "Dude, I'm not gay!" He may then proceed to ask, "Why did you tell me you're gay?" as if I had a sexual motive. He might even freely tell me he was "grossed out" by the idea of my "wanting" him. Now, I never implied that he was gay by telling him I was, nor did I have any ulterior motive. I was simply correcting him for thinking that I am straight and married to a woman.
When people wish me a Merry Christmas. I nicely tell them I am Jewish; whereupon they usually respond politely by saying, "Oh, sorry! Happy Hanukah!" I've never seen anyone back away, exclaiming, "Dude, I'm not Jewish! Now all I can do is imagine you in a yarmulke in synagogue and I'm grossed out. You're trying to convert me?"

This story is an example of homophobia. In the late 1960s, George Weinberg coined the term homophobia for "the feeling(s) of fear, hatred, disgust about attraction or love for members of one's own sex"; the word first appeared in print in 1969. Then, as now, some fear associating with lesbians and gays-physically, mentally, and emotionally-lest one be perceived as "one of them." Fears of venturing beyond accepted gender-roles can afflict even lesbians/gays, though straight men are typically more homophobic.

Today, homophobia does not apply as it was originally defined, in not fitting the definition of a true phobia: an uncontrollable, irrational, persistent fear of a specific object, situation, or activity. The terms more important today to track in yourself and others are homonegativity, homoprejudice, and even homo-ignorance. Ignorance-by lacking information and having misinformation-is likely the biggest foundation for any of the three.

Homophobic Examples
Since I started my private practice in 1990, I have created and now maintain a mailing list that goes out to thousands of people, gay and straight alike. Originally, when I did my first mailing to advertise my gay men's group therapy and weekend workshops, I just thumbed through phonebooks. Scanning for local gay listings and likely gay-friendly businesses, I compiled a mailing list of about 500 addresses.

I'd been receiving unsolicited mail for years, and thought nothing of sending out a little of my own. To save time and money, I printed up a batch of one-page flyers, tri-folded them, and affixed a sticker to make sure they'd stay shut. I added a stamp, my return address, a forwarding request, and dumped them in a mailbox. I figured that recipients, if not interested in my flyer, would simply toss it or at best, pass it along to a friend.
Following the mailing, I received several heartening calls from men in the Detroit area, eager to join a gay men's group. To their knowledge, nothing like this existed. And if it did, it hadn't been advertised-until now! But other callers were outraged.

"How dare you send me this mailing about a gay group with no envelope?" If closeted, they might have dreaded that child, husband, or wife would see my flyer and connect the dots. Still others were simply annoyed at my presumption that they were gay. Would they have been offended if I presumed they were straight?

To be honest, none of this had ever occurred to me! I simply wanted to advertise my services and expertise.

My next mailing was in a sealed, opaque envelope. Walking into my office, I heard-on my answering machine-a live call from a man screaming that he'd received my mailing on gay men's groups and workshops, and that he was not gay and wanted to be removed from my mailing list. But he was speaking too fast for me to jot down his name and address. When I picked up, to ask him to speak more slowly, he insisted, "I ain't gay, never been gay! Just because I slept with a guy once, that don't make me gay!"

Too much information! I'd never asked if he'd had sex with men, nor had I assumed he was gay. He'd simply received a piece of mail from me about workshops for gay men. I told him, "Calm down! Slow down. Give me your name and address, and I can get you off the list."

Women also suffer from-and commit-homophobia. After my next mailing, a women left a voice message saying that she was "not gay," but rather, "a good Christian woman," and how dare I send her a piece of mail regarding homosexuality? She then proceeded to swear at me and left her name, to be removed.

After yet another mailing about my gay weekend workshops, I got a call from a woman who was quite angry and contemptuous-but restrained. How did her name get on my list, and why? Keeping my professional composure, I apologized that she'd received mail of no interest to her. "I've no idea how your name arrived on my list, but of course I'll remove you."

At times, I suspect that practical jokers put others on my mailing list. Once a man called, asking to be added, giving me his work address.

Invariably, people who want to be added leave either their home address or a Post Office box. After hanging up, I dialed information and got his number at work. Getting through, I asked, "Did you just call me?"
He had no idea what I was talking about! "I'm an openly gay therapist," I told him. "I conduct gay men's groups and weekend workshops. I just got a phone call from somebody claiming he was you."
He became very quiet. Then, politely but firmly, he told me not to add his name-and assured me that he was not gay.

I caught that one, but there's no way that I can catch them all.

Every year, I receive thousands of letters about Attention Deficit Disorder,menopause, diabetes, and rape. I never worry how these senders single me out. I never take it personally, but lots of others do-if they get mail dealing with gay and lesbian subject matter.

Most of those who over-react this way are in their own homoavoidance. My mailings simply inflame their own inner conflicts. I could have stopped sending out mailings and no longer specialize in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy. But all too vividly, I recalled what I endured during myadolescence and young adulthood, with therapists who were anything but gay-affirmative. I'd have come out earlier, had a much easier life, but for these well-intentioned therapists wanting to "change" me into a heterosexual.
I determined not to let homophobic reactions stop me from providing-and promoting-effective, supportive therapy to our gay brothers and sisters.