Straight Parents with a Gay Child

Strategies for Keeping Your Family Together When a Gay Child "Comes-Out"

  by Shane Perrault, Ph.D. in Entrepreneurs with ADHD

You were just hit with the mother of all bombshells: “Mom, Dad… I’m Gay.”
Shock, guilt, self-blame, embarrassment, anger and even disappointment or grief; and, yes, surprisingly Love – are just a few of the emotions that fuel parents’ reactions. Oh, I almost forgot, denial: “He or she isn’t really gay. It’s just a fad, rebellious stage, or they are trying to fit in with new friends.”
So, what do you say or do?
The more human side asks what will your friends, family, church members and, yes, Pastor think? The parental, protective side asks how this decision will impact your child’s life, health (are they at risk to contract AIDS?), career as they will undoubtedly be discriminated against, future plans to have a family – and your grandchildren. Finally, you worry about your child’s salvation, “will they be damned to burn in hell eternally”. 

So, what should you do first? Don’t panic and lash out!. You can never take those words back. Instead take a deep breath, hug your child, tell them you love them (and if you need to remove yourself, please do so).

This is not what you bargained for, and you are in no mood to rethink the unthinkable. You’re rightfully emotional, but reacting emotionally isn't the right thing to do. This is one of those times when you have to choose between your feelings and your child. Chances are your child truly admires you and desperately values your approval, and will have great difficulty processing your complete rejection.
Removing yourself and de-escalating isn’t going to change what you’ve just heard; things will never be the same…even if whip out the Bible and re-read the story of Sodom and Gomorra to your child. Truth be told, if they just “came out” to you, then in all likelihood they have thought about, wrestled with, and tried to deny their sexual orientation for a long time. With that said, your child probably needs you now more than ever, and your initial reaction is critical – for you, your family’s and your child’s future.
No, I’m not suggesting that you go against your values, or accept what you have learned in the Bible to be a sin. I’m simply recommending you de-escalate so that you can temper your response by focusing on the “big picture” – your love for your child and your family.
The importance of tempering your initial response is best made by the Caitlin Ryan's Family Acceptance Project (California State University, San Francisco). This project studied the effect of family acceptance and rejection on the mental health and well-being of LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender) youth, including suicide, HIV/AIDS and homelessness. Their research shows that LGBT youths who experience high levels of rejection from their families (when compared with those young people who experienced little or no rejection from their families) were more than eight times likely to have attempted suicide, more than six times likely to report high levels of depression, more than three times likely to use illegal drugs and more than three times likely to be at high risk for HIV or other STDs by the time they reach their early 20s. In addition, 40% of America’s homeless youth are LBGT.
I know you love your child, and the last thing you want to do is traumatize them, or play any role in them engaging in self destructive behavior, or otherwise do irreparable damage. However, your child just turned your world upside down and you are emotional, and shouldn’t be made to feelguilty for not choosing this moment to be “politically correct.” I completely understand.
Here are four strategies to empower “Straight Parents, with a Gay Child they Love” keep their family together:
1. How do you Rethink the Unthinkable? Get professional help. But, why should you? You aren’t the one with the problem – Right! If you are like most parents, you are feeling a combination of conflicting emotions and would probably benefit from talking to a professional. In time, familytherapy might be a viable option, too. I guarantee this one is not in the parenting manual that came with your child … getting another perspective is essential.
Ironically, I had one couple bring their daughter to therapy because she never discussed boys or introduced them to a romantic interest, and they feared she was gay. Although they were initially relieved to learn she was just scared to tell them she was in an interracial relationship, they soon felt as though they simply switched seats on the Titanic until the couple married and gave them a couple of grandchildren. Now they love him. Frequently, I’ve seen clients discover their fears are typically much worse than the thing they actually fear.
2. Realize You are not Alone. In his 1948 book – Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, Alfred Kinsey shocked the world by announcing that 10% of the male population is gay. In 1993, the Janus Report estimated that nine percent of men and five percent of women had more than "occasional" homosexual relationships. While sexuality is not part of official census data, studies have shown and experts estimate that around 10% of the population is homosexual. Further, most Americans tend to guess that the number is around 20%. As such, there are a lot of parents in your shoes – including some of the ones you fear, might judge you.
3. Consider Joining a Support Group. In addition to letting you vent your feelings, support groups will help you realize you are not the only parent with a gay child, and like other group members you may discover having a gay child isn’t exactly the end of the world. Groups will also provide valuable insights about some of the misperceptions they had about gay people. For example, all gay people are lonely, unhappy, promiscuous, not family oriented, professional failures, childless, and destined for an unhappy life. Whether you join a support group or not, your child and family will be best served by you surrounding yourself with people who are open-minded, progressive, and accepting of LGBT people.
To find a support group near you, contact www.GayFamilysupport.com, or www.pflag.org, (Parents, Family, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). These are two national support and advocacy groups, primarily set up for parents of LGBT children. They have chapters nationally, and there is likely to be one near you. Countless families have been empowered by these groups to rethink the unthinkable; alleviate their guilt, disappointment and retain their loving family; and manage the fears about their child’s future. These sites have countless testimonials that indicate it was very helpful to talk with parents who were in their shoes, and managed to help their family with a gay member survive and even thrive.
4. Educate Yourself. The aforementioned websites have links to literature-books and articles that provide valuable insights about LGBT people. I also recommend: Straight Parents, Gay Children: Keeping Families Together, (Berstein); Love Ellen, A Mother Daughter Journey(DeGeneres, B.); Mom, Dad, I'm Gay: How Families Negotiate Coming Out. (Savin-Williams, R. C., 2001.)
To You and Your Child’s Success!