"Queerness" Items By Mario Karl

 

 Now that the Switch 2 is officially on shelves — or, more likely sold out everywhere! — it’s Them’s duty to remind you all that video games are, and have always been, queer. And while the Mario Gaming Universe might seem exceedingly heterosexual, all you need to do is scratch at the outermost layer to find a deep, mushroom-laden queer world underneath. While Mario Partycertainly takes the cake for one of the gayest games of all time, not far behind is Mario Kart. The Kart franchise takes something as heterosexual-coded as NASCAR and says: What if it were bright, colorful, cartoonish, kitsch and, in a word, queer?

For the uninitiated, Mario Kart takes all of the beloved characters from Nintendo’s Super Mario Bros. franchise and puts them on a racetrack. Since its inception in 1992, it’s been a game that has forged friendships — and torn them apart. Yes, much like the characters in the game itself, Kart brings people together only to cause upset, hurt, confusion, triumph, elation, and anger. Sometimes, all in the same moment.

You see, aside from just racing — boring! straight! — Mario Kart introduces a decidedly queer element: sabotage. It comes in the form of items, power-ups, and traps you can set to foil your enemies. Now that the Switch 2 has launched, and Mario Kart World along with it, we decided to rank the games’ items, in a frivolous and meaningless bit of fun, by queerness. Mario Kart Worldintroduces eight new items, some of which we’ll be including alongside (most of) the franchise’s classic fare. Read on for our ranking of Mario Kart items, from least to most queer.

Starman

Mario Kart/Nintendo

What I had thought was only a “star” actually also goes by “Starman.” Imagine my surprise when learning about this deception. Let’s be frank, the “man” earns it a place at the bottom of this list. And it makes sense. What happens when you use a star? You get to cosplay the privilege of being cishet in a world of queer struggle; oppression doesn’t take the wind out of your sails!

Bullet Bill

Mario Kart Wii/Nintendo

Oh, absolutely not. Speaks for itself.

Super Horn

Mario Kart 8/Nintendo

Using the “super horn” emits a blare that can momentarily slow fellow racers. A honk is a cishet noise. Give me a cunty ding any day.

Banana Peel

Aside from being phallic and loaded with potassium, little about the banana screams queer. Now, we’re not saying all bananas aren’t queer, but in the context of Kart, this straightforward roadblock — which you lay down in hopes of putting competitors on the skids — isn’t as queer as many of the other offerings.

Red Shell

Mario Kart Wii/Nintendo

I’m always at odds when it comes to red: are we talking comrade red or Republican red? With the red shell, I think we’re talking GOP. A Kart racer would use this to blast the competitor directly in front of them; it’s all very crabs in a barrel. While the blue shell famously targets people at the top, the red shell actually targets people you should be forming a union with. It’s so targeted, so aggressive, so not communal.

Coin Shell

Mario Kart Wii/Nintendo

This is a new item in Mario Kart World and a capitalist effing nightmare. (Give us a shell that redistributes coins <3.)

Lightning

Mario Kart 8/Nintendo

I’m sensing a bit of ableism in the theory behind the design of this item: Oh, because someone is smaller, they don’t move as quickly??? Not on my watch, Kart.

Mushroom and Golden Mushroom

Mario Kart 7/Nintendo

While mushrooms themselves are super queer — one has over 23,000 sexes — Mario Kart’s version is decidedly less so. Offering just a straightforward speed boost, other items on the list offer players a much more strategic way of getting ahead.

Green Shell

Mario Kart Wii/Nintendo

In terms of queer energy, the green shell has what the red shell wants. While the red shell moves right in the direction of a competitor — aggressively, almost phallically, forward — the green shell is listless. It does its own thing; it cannot be controlled. It has an agenda all its own. You know how every queer person says their twenties are really like their teen years? This shell, bouncing around and making mistakes, is that queer twentysomething.

Hammer

Mario Kart World/Nintendo

Another new World item you can use to, well, nail an opponent. I can picture Young Joan from Fun Home singing “Ring of Keys,” but it’s about the Mario Kart World hammer.

Spiny Shell (a.k.a. Blue Shell)

Now, the blue shell? The blue shell is Mother. An item that sets its sights directly on the person at the top? Toppling the order of things is, by definition, queer.

Kamek

Super Mario Party Jamboree/Nintendo

Kamek may low-key be one of the Mario franchise’s queerest figures. In the new Mario Kart World, Kamek also serves as an item: When he is hailed, he transforms competitors. Kamek is a magician who, without biological connection, acts as a father figure to Bowser, the Mario world’s most hated villain. She’s community, she’s mentorship.

Boomerang Flower

The boomerang flower is not just a plant that gives you a chance to make your opponents stumble, they’re a nonbinary icon. Where is the queen who will perform in Boomerang Flower drag?

Fire Flower

Fire and flowers are two things at odds. Fire is destruction; flowers are the bloom of new life. The fire flower puts them together, in one item, so you can throw fireballs. THAT’s queer, mama.

Piranha Plant

Anyone else notice that the top-ranked queer items are all plant-based? Just me? That said, has there ever been a queerer creation than the piranha plant? She should be on our flag. The colors? The lips? The teeth? The danger? She is inviting, but due to her avoidant attachment style, she can only bite that which is closest to her. She is flawed and, by showing her flaws, flawless.

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Mathew Rodriguez is the former senior news editor at Them. In the past, he has been a senior culture editor at The Atlantic, as well as a staff writer at Out Magazine, INTO, and Mic. His writing has been featured in Slate, Teen Vogue, The Village Voice, MEL Magazine, and more. He ... Read more