{ Gay and Lonely } LGBT Community Gets Hits Harder As They Age
Loneliness doesn't discriminate. Few people are lucky enough to make it through life without feeling isolated at some point. But there are particular reasons why loneliness is prevalent among the LGBTQ community. Part of realizing you're gay, or bi, or trans, or non-binary, or anything other than cisgender and heterosexual is accepting you’re different—and somewhat separated—from the majority. Many young LGBTQ people hide their authentic selves from friends, family, and classmates before they come out, which is often an incredibly isolating experience.
This sense of isolation can be hard to shake off, and it's also easily triggered. Wherever you live in the world, however big the city, the LGBTQ community is a disparate one featuring myriad different tribes. It isn't always easy to find your niche. Hitting the clubs can be a euphoric experience, but it doesn't necessarily lead to long-term satisfaction. Madonna once sang, "I found myself in crowded rooms, feeling so alone," a sentiment many LGBTQ people can relate to. Indeed, artist Richard Dodwell has recently published an anthology book, Not Here, dedicated to documenting queer loneliness in all its forms.
One person who knows loneliness well is Craig, 33, a school teacher who lives in London. Here he shares his journey to overcome the sense of isolation he felt growing up gay in a small U.K. city in the late '90s.
I guess it started when I was a young teenager. I remember feeling very lonely because no one understood me. At the time, there were no real gay role models except for Graham Norton and Jack from Dawson's Creek—and I certainly didn't identify with him because I wasn't a football player. I had friends but they were all straight and having relationships. This sounds really gross and pervy, but I remember one time we were all hanging out in someone's bedroom and everyone else was making out, doing "couple-y" things. I just sat by myself in front of the TV. I remember feeling very isolated because I had no one to experience any kind of sexuality with. I felt like I was completely on my own.
This carried on until I was 16 when I started going out to gay bars in my hometown. Back then, no one ever asked for an ID. I'd just sit in a corner feeling unbelievably shy and nervy until I'd drunk enough to get up and maybe sit at the bar. But I felt like I had to do this—I had to go out. So I'd wait for a guy to approach me, and it would probably end with me going back to his flat to have sex. There would never be much conversation—some of these guys were in their mid-to-late thirties, so what would we talk about? Looking back at it now, I'm like, "What were they thinking? That's not healthy." But at the time I was oblivious. I had nothing in common with these men because of the age difference but I was desperate to feel something with someone for a short period of time. I was desperate to feel wanted.
A few years later I moved to a bigger city to study. I made myself move because I knew it would force me to meet new people. I thought otherwise I'd end up stuck on my own. But again, I felt isolated because I was living in student accommodation with five straight guys I didn't identify with. So the behaviors I'd already displayed at home just continued in a different city, with much less parental supervision. I made one gay friend, who I'm actually close to now. But back then, we didn't really talk about things. We didn't really have a proper friendship. We both liked the Spice Girls, and that was enough for me. We'd just go out to bars together and get so drunk that we couldn't remember how we got home.
During this time, I had a brief dalliance with bulimia. All that happened was I would take a lot of laxatives, and then experience a great deal of pain. But I just felt like I needed to feel something, and I needed to feel in control of how lonely I felt. For me, alcohol was always the biggest problem. When I was 21, my first boyfriend broke up with me and I didn't have any coping mechanisms other than drinking. I just drank myself into oblivion—to the point where I got sacked from my bar job and had to take time off from my studies. I used alcohol for a number of reasons, but it was mainly so I could feel comfortable enough to go out and speak to people and switch off everything going on in my head. I think I drank so I could switch off the loneliness.
Things finally got better when I was in my late twenties. By this time I was living in London and meeting people from different backgrounds and different parts of the world. Moving to a bigger city has been the best thing for me. For the first time, I've been able to form a good group of gay friends and create my own support network. I always thought finding a boyfriend would be a life-changer for me, but it was actually finding people on the same level as me, people with common interests. Lots of them are couples, but I guess that's just the way it is when you get to your late twenties and early thirties.
I really do feel much more comfortable now. But that underlying fear of being alone and lonely, and all the resentment that comes with that, is still very much there. I don't think it ever really goes away. I'm dating someone now but I still have that fear of being left—of someone just walking away and leaving me on my own again. Even though I've got so many positive things in my life—a great career, great friends, a nice boyfriend—it's always at the back of my mind.
The school where I teach has a partnership with an LGBT charity, so I've done work with kids and sexuality and equality. Some of the kids are like, "Why do we still need to do this?" I suppose there's less stigma attached to being queer now and more visibility. Those kids still have to work through the same issues, but there's more of a support network now, and more technology. When I was a teenager, the Internet was still in its very early stages. I'd go on gay chatrooms but that was just a faceless conversation with someone who could have been anyone. It didn't make me feel any better. I just didn't think there was anyone else out there who was like me. I think if I'd had friends who were gay when I was growing up, my life would have been so different. I wouldn't have wasted so many years living the way I did. I now know there were other kids at my school who were gay, but they didn't come out till much later. They must have felt incredibly alone, too.
But looking back, the best thing I ever did was saying how I felt out loud. There were times when I actually said, "I am so lonely, I am so miserable." And even though it only lasted a brief moment, I would feel a sort of sense of relief because I'd admitted how I was feeling. You have to be as honest as you can about feeling lonely. Don’t hold anything back, because that's when the real mental health problems can start.
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