Showing posts with label Gay Straight Issues. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gay Straight Issues. Show all posts

December 15, 2016

“My Wife Wants a Divorce Because I had Sex with a Buddy in College”




 This is what the wife was told about her husband, she never found him with someone else but this is what she always had in mind when he was not with her.


Recently my wife said she wants to separate after eight years of marriage, and has been to a solicitor. She doesn’t seem to want to discuss the reasons why she wants to separate, simply saying she doesn’t love me any more.
  
I suspect her reason for wanting to end our marriage follows a visit to our home two years ago by my housemate when I was a student. This chap, who is openly gay, told my wife about a one-night stand we had when we were students. At the time my wife was furious and I explained to her the truth as I see it. This was something that happened impulsively, I don’t necessarily have regrets about it, but neither do I identify as gay or bisexual. I did not tell her about it when we met, because I had never really given it much thought. Initially our relationship went back to normal, but about six months ago I went on an overnight business trip with a male colleague who is gay and she started to question my sexuality again.

I love my wife and our family life. I don’t want it to end like this. I grew up in a broken home and me and my siblings suffered as a result of our parents break up. I don’t want this for our children. How do I persuade her that I love her and have no desire for anyone else, female or male?

Answer
There are a number of issues here: your wife’s insecurity regarding your sexual past, her sense that you withheld your same-sex encounter, and your own fear about separation. This suspicion has been going on for two years now and I wonder if it is not pointing to deeper issues in your relationship. 
It is likely that your relationship was in trouble before the revelation by your ex housemate as two years is a long time to hoard betrayal. There is now a crisis as your wife has initiated separation and it seems you don’t fully understand why she is taking this drastic step. 

Is there an opportunity to ask for couple counselling so that you can get some help understanding the situation. This might lead to options for you.

She says she does not love you any more but it may be that she finds it intolerable that you can go on a business trip and she does not trust you not to have sex with someone else. This issue of trust in your relationship is central and you must decide if this is a real issue between you or if she is struggling with her own self-esteem issues.

Trust is created when people are honest with each other and when there is consistency in the relationship. You may not even be aware of your dishonesty in terms of not telling your wife as you see some things as unimportant – it is possible you did not speak for fear of conflict or break-up. 
Now is a time for raw honesty and not persuasion. Talking about your sexual past, your desires and vulnerabilities may be a way of showing her you are truly willing to be honest; the barrier for you could be that she might find this hard to hear and continue with the separation. She may not trust that you are fully engaged in your intimacy. It might also be true that you are not willing to fully explain this as you do not really understand it yourself. 

There is no guarantee that communicating now will be enough to open up a possibility for survival of the marriage but not engaging is to further the possibility of separation.

If you feel that there is a self-confidence issue for your wife, perhaps you can support her by suggesting you both take some time for individual counselling before coming to a final decision on the marriage. You might decide to stay in separate bedrooms while this is going on to signify that you must again chose each other and it cannot be presumed while you investigate what has happened.
You say that you came from a broken home and this has left you with a strong desire to keep your own home intact. It may be that this fear of repeating the past is the strongest message your wife gets from you: that fear rather than love is the guiding principle. If this is so, it would be worthwhile for you to take responsibility for this and again honesty can demonstrate that you are self-aware enough to do your part in creating changes that might make the marriage worth saving.

See psychotherapy-ireland.com for accredited psychotherapists countrywide

This article was originally posted on Irish Times. I have been posting articles from them for a long time and find them credible and truthful. Their LGBT stories about that part of the world are very consistent. I like Irish Times!

April 17, 2016

Half of Straights Carry the Gay Genes Combination


     

                                                                         
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Genetic Literacy Project
                                                          

 Prevalence of homosexuality in men is stable throughout time since many carry the genes
Computer model sheds light on how male homosexuality remains present in populations throughout the ages
                                                                           _*_

Around half of all heterosexual men and women potentially carry so-called homosexuality genes that are passed on from one generation to the next. This has helped homosexuality to be present among humans throughout history and in all cultures, even though homosexual men normally do not have many descendants who can directly inherit their genes. This idea is reported by Giorgi Chaladze of the Ilia State University in Georgia, and published in Springer's journal Archives of Sexual Behavior. Chaladze used a computational model that, among others, includes aspects of heredity and the tendency of homosexual men to come from larger families.

According to previous research, sexual orientation is influenced to a degree by genetic factors and is therefore heritable. Chaladze says this poses a problem from an evolutionary perspective, because homosexual men tend not to have many offspring to whom they can provide their genetic material. In fact, they have on average five times fewer children than their heterosexual counterparts.

Chaladze used an individual-based genetic model to explain the stable, yet persistent, occurrence of homosexuality within larger populations. He took into account findings from recent studies that show that homosexual men tend to come from larger families. These suggest that the genes responsible for homosexuality in men increase fecundity (the actual number of children someone has) among their female family members, who also carry the genes. Other reports also suggest that many heterosexual men are carriers of the genes that could predispose someone to homosexuality.

Based on Chaladze's calculations, male homosexuality is maintained in a population at low and stable frequencies if half of the men and roughly more than half of the women carry genes that predispose men to homosexuality.

"The trend of female family members of homosexual men to have more offspring can help explain the persistence of homosexuality, if we also consider that those males who have such genes are not always homosexuals," says Chaladze.

The possibility that many heterosexual men are carriers can also explain why estimates of the number of men who have reported any same-sex sexual behavior and same-sex sexual attraction are much higher than estimates of those who self-identify as homosexual or bisexual. According to Chaladze, non-homosexual male carriers might sometimes manifest interest in homosexual behavior without having a homosexual identity.

The possibility that a large percentage of heterosexual people are carriers of genetic material predisposing to homosexuality has implications for genomic studies. Researchers should therefore consider including participants who do not have homosexual relatives in such studies.

The above post is reprinted from materials provided by Springer
*Springer. "Prevalence of homosexuality in men is stable throughout time since many carry the genes: Computer model sheds light on how male homosexuality remains present in populations throughout the ages." ScienceDaily. ScienceDaily, 12 April 2016

March 5, 2016

New Study on Why Straights Don’t Like Gays (Homophobia)


                    
                                                                           
Dear socially conservative straight people,"We think it’s great you’ve decided to get married and raise a family — it’s a beautiful choice to make! And if you hadn’t noticed, many same-sex couples are taking similar life steps.But here’s the thing — regardless of your choice to get married or stay single, we really, truly, sincerely don’t give one iota of a damn about your sex life. Unless, of course, you’re thinking of experimenting with your own gender. Then we might be able to figure something out. (Big maybe.)It’s time you pay us the same courtesy.Cheers,Common Sense Gays For a Better Tomorrow
_______
It seems silly that in 2016, straight people are still letting gay rights affect their own lives so directly, but a new UCLA psychology study published in the journal Psychological Science concludes that many straight people still oppose same-sex marriage because they fear the sexual promiscuity perceived in LGBTQs will somehow shake the foundation of their own marriages.

“Many people who oppose same-sex marriage are uncomfortable with casual sex and feel threatened by sexual promiscuity,” said David Pinsof, a UCLA graduate student of psychology and lead author of the study.
Which is bizarro on multiple levels.
Gay sex has nothing to do with you. If it was a song it would be called “Gay Sex,” not “Gay Sex (The Straight Sex Remix)”.
Pinsof added: “Sexual promiscuity may be threatening to these people because it provides more temptations for spouses to cheat on one another.”

If the ever-present thought of gay sex is hindering your relationship, you have way bigger problems than the institution of marriage being undermined.

But there is nothing promiscuous about getting married.

“Opposition to same-sex marriage may be strategic by people who are seeking to protect their marriages and the marriages in their communities, and are fearful that changing the definition of marriage is threatening to their way of life,” Pinsof said. “Because they view gay people as promiscuous, they view the idea of same-sex marriage as undermining the institution of marriage.”

The participants who opposed same-sex marriage had a hard time disassociating “gay” and “promiscuous.”

Are all gay married couples monogamous? No. Are some? Yes. But there is nothing promiscuous about getting married (unless you’re one of the straight couples on Married at First Sight, the reality show that weds complete strangers).
And then there’s another painfully real reason some conservatives are still afraid of their precious institutions being challenged — maintaining power.
“For people who are comfortable with women being more economically independent, marrying at a later age and having more sexual partners, sexual promiscuity is not as much of a threat because women do not depend on men for financial support.”
We get it. Rules feel good when you’re the one setting them. But how about you just focus on you. We won’t interfere — promise.

January 8, 2016

More Straight Men Admitting to Having Gay Sex



                                                            


According to the latest national survey by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, more Americans are identifying as bisexual than ever before.
Not only that, but more heterosexual men are admitting to having had gay sex.
Researchers interviewed more than 9,000 men and women ages 18 to 44 years between 2011 and 2013. Respondents were asked about the types of sexual experiences they’ve had, whether they’re attracted to the same or opposite sex, and how they label their sexual orientations.
Here’s what they learned: 1.9 percent of men said they were homosexual, which is on par with the CDC’s last survey conducted between 2006-2010. Meanwhile, 2 percent of men said they identified as bisexual, up from 1.2 percent in the last survey.
And this is where it gets interesting. Because 6.2 percent of men said they had engaged in either oral or anal sex with another man.
A bit of basic math: If 1.9 percent of men said they were gay and 2 percent said they were bisexual — but 6.2 percent said they had engaged in same-sex sexual activity — that means 2.3 percent of men engaging in same-sex sexual activity are straight. Or at least straight-identifying.

                                                                
 
US Government Survey:

Objective—This report provides national estimates of sexual behavior, sexual attraction, and sexual orientation among women and men aged 18–44 in the United States, based on the 2011–2013 National Survey of Family Growth (NSFG).
Methods—Data for the 2011–2013 NSFG were collected through in-person interviews with 10,416 women and men aged 15–44 in the household population in the United States. In this report, data are shown only for 9,175 adults aged 18–44. The data presented in this report were primarily collected using audio computer-assisted self-interviewing, in which the respondent enters his or her answers into the computer without telling them to an interviewer. The overall response rate for the 2011–2013 NSFG was 72.8%.
Results—Regarding opposite-sex sexual behavior, 94.2% of women and 92.0% of men aged 18–44 had ever had vaginal intercourse; 86.2% of women and 87.4%
of men had ever had oral sex; and 35.9% of women and 42.3% of men had ever had anal sex. Almost three times as many women (17.4%) reported any same-sex contact in their lifetime compared with men (6.2%) aged 18–44. Feelings of attraction “only to the opposite sex” were more common for men (92.1%) compared with women (81.0%) aged 18–44. Among those aged 18–44, 92.3% of women and 95.1% of men said they were “heterosexual or straight”; 1.3% of women and 1.9% of men said
they were “homosexual, gay, or lesbian”; 5.5% of women and 2.0% of men said they were bisexual; and 0.9% of women and 1.0% of men said “don’t know” or “refused” (i.e., “did not report”) on sexual orientation. Sexual attraction and sexual orientation correlate closely but not completely with reports of sexual behavior. Sexual behavior, sexual attraction, and sexual orientation vary by age, marital or cohabiting status, education, and race and Hispanic origin.


                                                                     


*This report is based on the 2011–2013 NSFG. NSFG is a nationally representative survey of the U.S. household population, with face-to-face interviews conducted with women
and men aged 15–44. NSFG is jointly planned and funded by CDC’s National Center for Health Statistics (NCHS)
and several other programs of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

January 6, 2016

Questions Straight Men Have for Gay Men




First let me say that I am surprised that I am posting this video. However it does fall within the guidelines for publication of adamfoxie*blog: Fresh, Current, Provocative 
Adam  
Comments:
I didn't understand the conversation about the butt hole. Can someone please, write in words what they said? (the captions on the video didn't help)
+musicislife They were talking about a "prolapsed anus" but thought the term was "anal fissure". Have fun googling both of those terms!

December 29, 2015

New Barbie ad shows that boys can enjoy dolls too




                                                                       


Barbie’s new ad is stirring up controversy—for its portrayal of a boy playing with the doll. 

The commercial is for the new Moschino Barbie, part of a limited-edition collaboration between the Italian luxury fashion house and Mattel. It stars three children (two girls and a boy), and some of the adjectives used to describe Barbie aren’t the most typical, either: the boy declares, “Moschino Barbie is so fierce!” as he hangs a purse over her arm. 

The inclusion of a Barbie fan who happens to be a young boy in a Moschino production is fitting, given that the Italian brand’s own creative director, Jeremy Scott, cited Barbie as the muse that sparked his career. He said in an interview with People StyleWatch, “The thing I love about Barbie is that she is the ultimate muse and inspired me to become a designer. Moschino style is all about humor coupled with high fashion and Barbie allows us to play out these looks in whole new way.” 

In turn, the boy in the commercial appears to have been inspired by Scott himself—the child actor has a definite resemblance to the designer, with even his bleached-blond tresses evoking Scott’s own hairstyle. 

Mattel’s decision to show that boys can enjoy dolls too is part of a growing trend in retail. Stores such as Target have begun to remove gender designations from sections like toys, bedding, entertainment, and housewares, a move that many are applauding. 

A professor of psychology at the University of Kentucky, Dr. Christia Brown, told Yahoo Parenting, “It really corresponds with what a lot of research shows is good for kids. Research overwhelmingly shows that when we segregate toys and label them explicitly for boys or girls, kids only gravitate to the toys labeled for their group. Even if it’s the same toy, if you label it ‘girls’ or make it pink, only girls want it. If you take the same toys and label it for boys, boys want it. So it’s not the toy itself; it’s the labeling that drives attention.” 

Brown, who is also the author of Parenting Beyond Pink and Blue, added that the inclusion of boys in ads for dolls can have long-term positive effects: “For boys, if they are encouraged away from dolls, they don’t get the chance to learn nurturing and care-taking, all the things we want them to do as parents. And then we are surprised when men grow up and aren’t comfortable changing diapers, when we clearly have steered them away from it all their lives.”
dot429.com

July 29, 2015

If a Straight Girl can lip-kiss a girl, Can a straight guy do the same to a Guy?



71VMCW1_lDL.jpg
A straight white girl can kiss a girl, like it, and still call herself straight—her boyfriend may even encourage her. But can straight white guys experience the same easy sexual fluidity, or would kissing a guy just mean that they are really gay? Not Gay thrusts deep into a world where straight guy-on-guy action is not a myth but a reality: there’s fraternity and military hazing rituals, where new recruits are made to grab each other’s penises and stick fingers up their fellow members’ anuses; online personal ads, where straight men seek other straight men to masturbate with; and, last but not least, the long and clandestine history of straight men frequenting public restrooms for sexual encounters with other men. For Jane Ward, these sexual practices reveal a unique social space where straight white men can—and do—have sex with other straight white men; in fact, she argues, to do so reaffirms rather than challenges their gender and racial identity. Ward illustrates that sex between straight white men allows them to leverage whiteness and masculinity to authenticate their heterosexuality in the context of sex with men. By understanding their same-sex sexual practice as meaningless, accidental, or even necessary, straight white men can perform homosexual contact in heterosexual ways. These sex acts are not slippages into a queer way of being or expressions of a desired but unarticulated gay identity. Instead, Ward argues, they reveal the fluidity and complexity that characterizes all human sexual desire.
I've argued for years that straight guys are entitled to the same latitude—or entitled to the same fluidity—as other self-identified monosexuals. A straight girl can mess around with another girl without the whole world insisting she couldn't have done that if she weren't really a lesbian; a lesbian can mess around with a dude now and then and still identify as a dyke; and a gay guy can fuck one or two women over the course of his gay life without having to turn in his gay card. But if a straight guy sucks one cock and gets caught—just that one cock, just that one time—no one will take him seriously when he says he's straight.
Like the joke goes...

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Male heterosexuality, in this way, is a lot more fragile than female heterosexuality or male/female homosexuality. But with that said... a lot of the white guys (and a lot of the not-white guys) out there cruising public restrooms, fingering each other's anuses in frat house basements, and seeking other guys to jack off with (for starters) in the M4M sections of Craigslist are closeted gay or possibly/probably closeted bi men. I kept waiting for the word "bisexual" to pop up in the press release for Not Gay but I didn't see it in there. The men Jane Ward studied might not be gay—gayness could be ruled out in some cases—but straight-identified, married-to-women guys who have sex with other men are likelier to be bisexual, closeted or not, than they are to be straight, fluidity or otherwise.
Coming from NYU Press
I’m going to get the book and read it with an open mind, of course, but the summary pushed out by NYU Press doesn’t inspire confidence.

March 3, 2015

20 Million Wives in China are ‘Tonqi’ to a Gay Man


After her marriage was over, just looking at a wedding photo would make Qiu Xuan feel awful. The 29-year-old, a video editor at a communications company in Guangzhou, could tell by the picture that she wasn’t half of a happy couple that day, even though she was the one wearing a white veil.

  

The term “beard” to describe a woman who is used, knowingly or unknowingly, to disguise her partner’s homosexuality has been used as slang in the United States for many decades.


But acknowledgement that such marriages even happen is a recent phenomena in China. In China, a “beard” is known straightforwardly as a  同妻(Tongqi), or ““homowife”—the abbreviation of “the wife of a homosexual” in Chinese.



There are millions of gay men married to women in China, academics believe. According to an estimate by Zhang Beichuan, one of the first Chinese scholars to study sexuality, China has 20 million male homosexuals of marriageable age—and 80% of them will marry a woman. In contrast, according to a 2010 Economist report, 15 to 20% of gay men in America have married heterosexual women.

The women in these marriages are quietly becoming an unlikely force in China’s nascent gay-rights movement. If men are free to openly have relationships with other men, sham marriages like theirs will no longer happen, they say. Being “homosexual is not wrong,” said Qiu in an interview. “What’s wrong is to marry a heterosexual to make a tragedy.”

Why China has millions of “homowives”

Liu Jie, a 25-year-old homosexual interior decorator from Shantou, Guangdong Province, has thought of entering into a gay-straight marriage, because, like many Chinese of marrying age, he’s under a lot of pressure from his parents. “They said they would have nothing to worry about in their lives once I got married. How can I come out of the closet to them?” Liu said to Quartz.

“Among three ways of being an unfilial son, the most serious is to have no heir,” argued Mencius, an ancient Confucian philosopher. The idea is still ingrained in modern China; men are under social pressure to marry and produce a male heir to carry on the family line. Though new generations are more open-minded, many still believe that to marry and have children are the two most important things in life, whether they are gay or straight.



For women who unknowingly marry gay men, a divorce can be difficult to obtain, and can leave them much worse off financially. Qiu, the video editor, got a divorce and custody of her 9-month-old daughter after court mediation. Her husband agreed to pay alimony of 700 yuan, or $114, per month, which, according to Qiu, accounts for less than 20% of his monthly income. Qiu only agreed to the terms, she said, because her husband’s family refused to let her see her daughter otherwise.

Qiu said the court had rejected her appeal for further compensation, because she could not prove her husband had an extramarital affair. “He has never admitted he is gay, although everyone knows about that,” Qiu said.

“A person who has a spouse but cohabits with another person” is one of the circumstances listed in China’s marriage law that allows a husband or wife to file for divorce, and demand compensation from the other party, but in its judicial interpretation, the “another person” only refers to “the opposite sex.”

“If a man and a woman get a room [in the hotel], we can say it’s an extramarital affair; but if it is two men, we can say nothing,” said Liu, 35, a judge from Shenzhen who agreed to speak on the matter if he was identified only by his surname.

Growing awareness, and activism

Some women in China unknowingly married to a gay man are openly choosing to maintain a nominal marriage to give their children a stable family. Jiang Xinyi, a 24-year-old software engineer from Shanghai, who has been counseling women married to gay men since 2009, said this was a common alternative to divorce and separation. “They draw three ground rules for their husbands: Have sex [with their wives], take care of the family, and look after the child.”

Other arrangements are springing up as well—like the “cooperative marriage” or “xinghun,” in which a lesbian woman and gay man agree to marry to appease their parents.

Jiang first learned there were other women in similar marriages fromChina’s first homowives meeting in 2009. Then a university student, she found the women who had attended the meeting online and joined their chat group on QQ, a popular Chinese instant messaging software.



After watching other women share their ordeals and comfort each other in the chat group, Jiang volunteered to establish and operate new groups for newcomers.

Now Jiang runs three QQ chat groups, which have over 200 members in total, and a social media account on Weibo, China’s Twitter-like microblog site. She also helps these women get legal advice and speak out to the public. She named the volunteer organization Hibiscus Flower, which she said stands for tenacity and vitality.

“Homowives” and their supporters are getting more vocal about their own situations, and the need for China to become more accepting of homosexuality. Zhang Ziwei, a 27-year-old corporate secretary from Nanchang, southeast China’s Jiangxi Province, who dated a gay man three years ago, now manages a QQ chat group on the topic with more than one hundred members. She is translating two books—My Husband Is Gay and When Your Spouse Comes Out, written by Carol Grever, an American woman who married a gay man—into Chinese. After she finishes, she plans to send them to other women in her situation, because there are no such books in China.



One woman who was formerly married to a gay man, who calls herself “Little Delan,” dressed in a bridal gown to seek marriage at the Qixi Festival, China’s Valentines’ Day, in August, 2014 on the the streets of Quanzhou, the largest city in southeastern Fujian Province. She told Chinese media that, besides finding the right man, she wanted to raise awareness about homowives, and the need for China to offer homosexuals equal rights and legalize gay marriage.

A 51-year-old retired worker from Zhengzhou, central China’s Henan Province, who only wants to be identified by her online nickname, Aunt Moon, has been volunteering at Hibiscus Flower since she helped her niece get out of a gay-straight marriage four years ago.

“I don’t have a high literacy level, but I am gentle, and willing to talk,” said Aunt Moon, who has had volunteer experience at the Red Cross Society of China.

Among the thousands who attended Hong Kong’s annual gay rights parade in November, Aunt Moon and the three women she was with became a peculiar scene with their different identities and pursuits from the gay marchers. During the march, they held up placards that read: “My husband is gay. I am in pain.”

Aunt Moon said she thought it may have been the first time that women married to gay men in China took part in a gay rights demonstration. She said the parade was a chance for them to increase people’s awareness about their fate. She wishes the gay rights movements to succeed as well: “the more prosperous the better,” she said. Little Delan also appeared at the Hong Kong parade, again in a bridal gown.

Yet a tune of discord hung over the event. A group of gay participants from Hong Kong drew people’s attention by holding a red flag, like the ones that police use during protests to tell demonstrators to halt, that read: “Stop discriminating or we will marry a woman and hehe [be gay] in the dark.”

“The threatening slogan helps nothing. It will only harm their image,” Aunt Moon said. “If they want to achieve marital rights, they must face up to homowives.”

Three women married to gay men attended the last annual PFLAG China meeting, the gay support group’s co-founder told Quartz. Their involvement isn’t without controversy. “Ideally we should stand in the same trench to fight against biases from the society,” co-founder Aqiang said. But being a “homowife is only a transitional identity—after they find a heterosexual man and get married, they are no longer homowives.” Aqiang said, “I don’t expect them to do much.”

“What they want is to solve their own problems,” he added. “They are often emotional, critical and angry. We can’t hear the husbands’ voices in their cases.”

The future of gay marriage in China

Same-sex marriage is now legally recognized in 16 countries, and 33 states in America. China is not on the list. Li Yinhe, a sociologist and sexologist who has been trying to legalize homosexual marriage since 2000, has failed each time. Li, who has been in a relationship with a transgender man for many years, said she has been unable to get the 30 cosponsors necessary for the idea to be discussed at the Chinese People’s Political Consultative Conference, which advises the government on issues that should become law.

The government, Li said, thinks it is an idea that is ahead of its time.

“Homosexual marriage had been brought up when the marriage law was revised in the 1980s,” Yang Lixin, a law professor at Renmin University of China, told Quartz, “but the society was deemed not prepared.” Yang said next time the marriage law is revised, homosexual marriage might be legalized, but when that will occur, “only the heads of the legislature know.”

Until then, expect millions more unhappy couples to tie the knot.


WRITTEN BY

December 16, 2014

Does Gay male Culture Hates Women?


                                                                         


Usually portrayedoften simplisticallyas ironclad, the bonds between gay men and straight women have been the focus of much debate lately. Actress Rose McGowan caused a stir last month when she described gay men as “as misogynistic as straight men, if not more so” and blasted gay men for not standing up more for women's rights. More recently, rapper Azealia Banks echoed McGowan's remarks as she reignited her Twitter feud with blogger Perez Hilton, once again calling him a “faggot,” all in the process of attempting to redefine the term as “any man that hates women.” 
While both women took flak for their remarks, it's too easy to dismiss their criticisms outright. McGowan is hardly alone in her belief that gay men are generally myopic about the rights of other oppressed groups. And Perez's mockery of the fashion, makeup, and lifestyle choices of famous women is viewed by many as misogynistic. Moreover, the LGBT rights movement has more than once been accused of sexism (and racism) in the past, with the faces and voices of the movement usually dominated by photogenic white males. 
 
Despite the prevalence of straight woman/gay man best friend cliches, it's fair to say that gay men's relationships with and attitudes toward women are often more complex than what's portrayed in your typical episode of “Will and Grace.” Still, complexity is not evidence of misogyny, and to claim that gay men are misogynistic depends on how you classify what constitutes misogyny. 
Certainly, the humor that gay men engage in can flirt with misogyny. From the gossipy slut-shaming of Hilton's blog to the campy bitchfest that is RuPaul's Drag Race, gay men have long been known to engage in the kind of politically incorrect, biting repartee that often makes women the butt of the joke. But misogyny manifests itself not just in jest. Who among the LGBT community can claim to not know any of the following types of gay men: Men whose social circle consists almost exclusively of other gay men. Men who routinely say the body parts and sexuality of women are gross. Men who express an aversion to lesbians, or who tend to stereotype them and/or dismiss their concerns. Men who write “no femmes” or, even worse, “straight acting” on their Grindr profiles. Men who call their best female friends “fag hags” or “fruit flies” and who put them down routinely while dragging them to gay bars or dance clubs?
This is reductive, to be sure. Not all gay men do thisnot even most do. But if we know examples of at least some of these men in our midst, doesn't it behoove us to stop acting as if all of this is fine by us? The gay rights movement has largely succeeded in convincing the world that LGBT folk are “normal” but, perhaps as a side effect of these assimilationist tendencies, it has taken on some of the unfortunate baggage associated with mainstream culture, including its misogyny. Wanting to be mainstream often means adhering to the expectations of the dominant culture, in this case a white male heterosexual culture which routinely views women as the weaker, more emotional, more frivolous sex. Gay men are still mocked for their tendencies to be histrionic, demonstrative, and emotionali.e. “feminine” and “weak." Should we be surprised, then, that so many gay men have internalized these criticisms and, in an attempt to demonstrate their “masculinity,” demean women in the process?
In his documentary, Do I Sound Gay?, to be released next year by IFC/Sundance Selects, David Thorpe frets over his long-standing insecurities about his voice and speech. In seeking to find the root causes for the speech patterns that many gay men share, he interviews gay celebrities, voice coaches, and linguists and discovers that his deep aversion for “sounding gay” is shared by many other gay men. In doing so, however, he soon recognizes that the process of trying to “explain” the voices of gay men is itself a byproduct of a kind of internalized homophobia as well as misogyny.
Would gay men really be so uncomfortable with the way they sound had they not experienced so much criticism and abuse about it while growing up? Even men who ostensibly seem comfortable with their sexuality, such as humorist David Sedaris, reveal their anxieties in the film. Sedaris states that when someone tells him that they didn't know he was gay, it makes him feel good, and he wonders why that is, considering that he thought himself “beyond all that.” 
Perhaps gay men aren't beyond all that. A tendency to fetishize hypermasculinity, to exalt “tops” over “bottoms,” and to disparage men who are effeminate persists among gay men until this day, despite the fact that these feelings no doubt stem in part as a response to all the comments hurled their way when they were younger. It seems only natural, once you've internalized feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing, to want to demonstrate that you're not what other people say you are, or worse, that you're not as queer as those other gay men over there, especially if the very tribe you're a part of seems to be as much on board with these assumptions as the straight culture. 
But it's worth remembering that millions of gay men strongly support women both in their actions and beliefsin their political alignments and voting records, for instanceand demonstrate a distinctly feminist worldview. It's important then, to distinguish the kind of misogyny that gay men might demonstrate from the kind of misogyny coming from straight men, the kind we associate with sexual harassment, rape culture, political oppression, and violence. For gay men, misogyny seems to be borne out of a subconscious desire to be acceptedby their gay male peers and society at large, which has told them that sounding “feminine” is not ideal and that being a man often means making fun of or belittling the concerns of women. In some ways this is an extension of the straight locker room culture, with gay men may simply doing what society expects all men to do (even as it doesn't condone it). This tendency to conform with accepted gender roles can also be seen in the idealization of hypermasculine men as well as in drag culture, where telling a queen she's “fishy” (i.e., most naturally feminine) is the best compliment you can give her. Even the aversion to lesbians that some gay men have can likely be attributed to these women's refusal to adhere to gender norms.
With the fluidity of gender todayand with an increasing acceptance of transgender men and women as well as other expressions of identityit's possible we may be moving away from these narrow definitions of masculine and feminine, and with it, from some of the lingering shame gay men have, which might manifest itself in these more subtle forms of misogyny. Gay men should be less afraid of embracing their feminine tendencies, which, after all, are also associated with qualities of kindness, compassion, and empathy. Being proud to be gay should mean being proud of whatever way your gayness expresses itself, and accepting the traits that you possess without having to classify themmuch in the same way that straight women have treated gay men for so long now.
Eric Sasson writes “Ctrl-Alt,” Speakeasy’s column on alternative culture. He is the author of Margins of Tolerance and the forthcoming novel “Admissions.”  

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