Showing posts with label Advise. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Advise. Show all posts

December 15, 2016

“My Wife Wants a Divorce Because I had Sex with a Buddy in College”




 This is what the wife was told about her husband, she never found him with someone else but this is what she always had in mind when he was not with her.


Recently my wife said she wants to separate after eight years of marriage, and has been to a solicitor. She doesn’t seem to want to discuss the reasons why she wants to separate, simply saying she doesn’t love me any more.
  
I suspect her reason for wanting to end our marriage follows a visit to our home two years ago by my housemate when I was a student. This chap, who is openly gay, told my wife about a one-night stand we had when we were students. At the time my wife was furious and I explained to her the truth as I see it. This was something that happened impulsively, I don’t necessarily have regrets about it, but neither do I identify as gay or bisexual. I did not tell her about it when we met, because I had never really given it much thought. Initially our relationship went back to normal, but about six months ago I went on an overnight business trip with a male colleague who is gay and she started to question my sexuality again.

I love my wife and our family life. I don’t want it to end like this. I grew up in a broken home and me and my siblings suffered as a result of our parents break up. I don’t want this for our children. How do I persuade her that I love her and have no desire for anyone else, female or male?

Answer
There are a number of issues here: your wife’s insecurity regarding your sexual past, her sense that you withheld your same-sex encounter, and your own fear about separation. This suspicion has been going on for two years now and I wonder if it is not pointing to deeper issues in your relationship. 
It is likely that your relationship was in trouble before the revelation by your ex housemate as two years is a long time to hoard betrayal. There is now a crisis as your wife has initiated separation and it seems you don’t fully understand why she is taking this drastic step. 

Is there an opportunity to ask for couple counselling so that you can get some help understanding the situation. This might lead to options for you.

She says she does not love you any more but it may be that she finds it intolerable that you can go on a business trip and she does not trust you not to have sex with someone else. This issue of trust in your relationship is central and you must decide if this is a real issue between you or if she is struggling with her own self-esteem issues.

Trust is created when people are honest with each other and when there is consistency in the relationship. You may not even be aware of your dishonesty in terms of not telling your wife as you see some things as unimportant – it is possible you did not speak for fear of conflict or break-up. 
Now is a time for raw honesty and not persuasion. Talking about your sexual past, your desires and vulnerabilities may be a way of showing her you are truly willing to be honest; the barrier for you could be that she might find this hard to hear and continue with the separation. She may not trust that you are fully engaged in your intimacy. It might also be true that you are not willing to fully explain this as you do not really understand it yourself. 

There is no guarantee that communicating now will be enough to open up a possibility for survival of the marriage but not engaging is to further the possibility of separation.

If you feel that there is a self-confidence issue for your wife, perhaps you can support her by suggesting you both take some time for individual counselling before coming to a final decision on the marriage. You might decide to stay in separate bedrooms while this is going on to signify that you must again chose each other and it cannot be presumed while you investigate what has happened.
You say that you came from a broken home and this has left you with a strong desire to keep your own home intact. It may be that this fear of repeating the past is the strongest message your wife gets from you: that fear rather than love is the guiding principle. If this is so, it would be worthwhile for you to take responsibility for this and again honesty can demonstrate that you are self-aware enough to do your part in creating changes that might make the marriage worth saving.

See psychotherapy-ireland.com for accredited psychotherapists countrywide

This article was originally posted on Irish Times. I have been posting articles from them for a long time and find them credible and truthful. Their LGBT stories about that part of the world are very consistent. I like Irish Times!

August 28, 2012

Online Dating Can Lead to Love, but Has its Perils Too


Online dating just got a little bit safer. This week, California Attorney General Kamala D. Harris, issued a joint statement with executives from the three major dating sites (eHarmony, Match.com, and Spark Networks) outlining guidelines the companies have promised to follow to help protect the safety of online users of their sites. This news will be welcomed by the approximately 40 million Americans who use online dating sites, but every user should be aware and stay informed in order to best protect themselves from online predators.

What the Dating Sites Have Promised to Do

While the guidelines are not legally enforceable, it is in the company’s interests to show they are being proactive in protecting consumers. The companies have agreed to:
  • Check potential registrants against national sexual offender databases and ban sexual offenders from having online profiles.
  • Institute systems for rapid reporting of abuse by consumers.
  • Provide online safety education for consumers covering such topics as meeting offline, identity fraud, and so on.
  • Check for fake profiles.

Why This Agreement Came About

This action partially resulted from a lawsuit brought against Match.com by a Southern California woman who was sexually assaulted by a man she met online. It turned out that the suspect, Jeffrey Marsalis, had 6 prior convictions and was listed on a sex offender database. In 2009, he pleaded no contest to a sexual assault charge and was sentenced to life in prison. It is not only California that is focusing on the online safety of users of dating sites. Legislation to increase online safety measures is also on the books in Connecticut and Texas.


love and dating in the online world

Why People Use Online Dating Sites
These measures are becoming more necessary because of the explosion in use of online dating sites. With everybody’s lives becoming busier, people traveling more, and relocating for work, fewer people have access to family and community connections near where they live that could result in introduction to a suitable romantic partner. Single parents and people over the age of 40 may have a particularly hard time finding dates in the offline world. In fact, online dating sites have a pretty good track record. One online survey of couples married in the last three years showed that 1 in 6 had met through an online dating service. One in five people surveyed had dated someone they met online. 
The Bad Guys of the Online Dating World
While online dating may be the most efficient and effective way for many people to meet a potential mate, dating strangers involves some level of risk, and the anonymity provided by the internet can make it easier for scammers and individuals with a history of violence to hide their true identities and motives.
Below are a list of online bad guys to be worried about:
  • Identity Thieves
  • Violent Individuals and Criminals
  • Con Artists with Fake Identities
  • Stalkers

What You Can Do to Help Protect Yourself

There are no 100-percent-foolproof tips to avoid these online bad guys, but below are some tips to be savvier and better prepared when looking for love online: 
  1. Don’t give out personal information when you first connect. Use a service such as Google Voice to have calls sent to your mobile and home phones without disclosing these numbers to callers. Use call screening to see who is calling, and block undesirable people. Don’t reveal your place of work or home address, and use online and email IDs that don’t contain your real name.
  2. Do a Google search entering your own name to see what identifying information exists about you online and remove anything you don't want to be seen. Also search the potential date’s name and Facebook profile to learn more about them, and if the information they have given you matches up. 
  3. Don’t hurry to meet in person. Take time to ask questions online, and pay attention to any answers that don’t seem to add up or give you an uncomfortable feeling. Whether online or in person, always trust your gut! It’s more important to be safe than polite. Block and report anybody who acts inappropriately or in a threatening manner.
  4. When you do meet, choose a place you don’t normally go to, and let a friend know who you are meeting, when, and where. Arrange to call or text the friend to let them know you are safe. Don't get into a car with the date or have them pick you up.
  5. To guard against sexually transmitted diseases, don’t have sex on the first, in-person date, and, if you do, use a condom. One online survey estimated that one in three women have sex on the first date if they had previously chatted online, and 75 percent of these did not use protection. Yikes!
  6. Don’t fall in love until you’ve met the person. They may not be who they claim to be, or they may have an ulterior motive. If somebody sounds too good to be true, they may be trying to reel you in before asking for money or personal information. Beware of people who are in another country and ask you for money to pay for for airfare, a relative’s funeral, medical expenses, car repairs, and so on. These are popular scams.
  7. Beware of people who try to rush the pace of the relationship, pressure you, threaten to end the relationship if you don’t do what they want, try to make you feel guilty, or treat you disrespectfully. These can be red flag signs of potentially abusive or manipulative types. If you feel uncomfortable, block the person.
  8. Speak by phone before meeting in person. Use your intuition and pay attention to potential nonverbal cues indicating deception, such as voice tone, hesitation, pauses, contradictory statements, and so on. If you have to ring someone’s pager and get a call back, or if they never answer the phone or make a definite time to call, be wary, as they may be married.
  9. Don’t use overly suggestive language or photographs in your online profile or come across like a drunk. You may attract the wrong type of person. This goes for your Facebook profile as well. With employers checking Facebook, there may be additional risks to your livelihood.
  10. Be realistic in your expectations, and don’t get carried away by romantic fantasies. Going into any type of dating situation feeling desperate for love can make you too emotionally vulnerable and easy prey for unscrupulous people. Rather, remind yourself of your own good qualities and realize that finding the right match will likely take time and involve some disappointment and rejection. Don't take rejection or nonresponse personally. You may have to meet a lot of frogs before your prince (or princess) comes along. Take it slowly and tread carefully. 
With these tips in mind, you should be more prepared to venture into the online dating jungle. While there may be some risks involved, there are also potentially big rewards. Treat your online encounters as potential opportunities to get to know different types of people and learn more about yourself. Most importantly, work to strike a balance between being open to love and using good judgment to stay safe!  

About the Author


Melanie Greenberg is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Mill Valley, Marin County, CA. She is also a researcher, author, and national speaker with expertise in life stress, love and relationships, mind-body health,
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June 5, 2012

Surviving an (LDR) Long Distance Relationship

It happens more often than you think. I and lots of others at one time or another have been swept away by someone who happens to live in another state. It could be doable if you keep  to certain rules.  Now if your sweetie lives in another another country I can only give you sympathy and maybe the saying of “Couldn’t you find someone in your own city” applies.

Ignore those people

When people find out that there is dating between cities, about 30 to 40 percent of them react by furrowing their brows and recoiling in badly hidden bafflement. I guess they’re thinking, loser, he can’t find a man where he lives now. Or, why bother with all that unnecessary nonsense when he can find someone here? They can’t possibly understand why someone would go through the extra effort it takes to be with someone who lives elsewhere. Well, you know what? Screw them. Just ignore those people..     Maybe they’re single and don’t know what love is, and that it climbs mountains and rides buses for hours and hours and hours on end.  Ignore them. Don’t even talk to them. Don’t justify your choice. Just smile smugly and say, “We love each other. I’m so happy.” Let them think what they will, but don’t let that kind of stuff cloud your positive thinking because if you’re going to get through this, you will need a lot of it!

 Need to Know when the end is near

2. Have an idea of when the distance will end.
This is one of the most important parts of this: if there’s no end in sight to your time apart, it’s probably not going to work because you have nothing to work toward. So decide if there can be an end to the distance in what feels like a reasonable amount of time for both of you (bearing in mind that yes, much of the time apart will feel like eternity anyway).
Make a plan for how often you will talk and when and

 HAVE A LIFe, Use Tech
This is also incredibly crucial to LDR success. Many LDR survivors suggest trying to talk on the phone every day. Even if it’s just for two minutes so you can each say, “Good night my peaches [or whatever gross things you you call each other], I love you and miss you terribly.” Just make it part of your routine. Once again, TALK ABOUT THIS BEFORE THE MOVE. The more you can plan it all out the better it will all be.
 
Do NOT, I repeat DO NOT sit at home while your he is out getting drunk and partying. (Which is something you have to be okay with — it’s called trust and is so obviously necessary I didn’t even make it its own numbered item.) See this time as an opportunity to do whatever you want before you two are back in the same city or living in the same place together. If you don’t have friends,make friends. Spend a lot of time with them, work on your career or job, adopt a pet, take up karate. If things get rocky (which they inevitably will on multiple occasions) you’ll want to remember that your S.O. is NOT your only source of happiness. You can create a rich, fulfilling life for yourself with lots of things that will be there for you in it doesn't work out.
6. Use technology.
 
Video chat. Gchat. Skype. More than one LDR survivor suggesting video chatting without talking. Like, keep your windows of each other doing work (or watching TV or reading a book) open, and you don’t have to talk but it will be like hanging out with each other!
Take Finances into Account
At the beginning of every month, sit down and plan the weekends you will see each other. Every other weekend is a good amount of time together, and if you alternate you won’t have to travel a gross amount, really. But make sure this is a fair schedule and financially feasible for both of you. If one person feels they’re doing an unfair amount of the traveling, they will resent the other person, and if there's one thing a long distance relationship doesn't need it's resentment and its cousin, passive aggressiveness.

 Figure out your fight patterns. 

An LDR survivor told me she and her boyfriend would always fight the night before they saw each other, every other Thursday, which he took to mean that they really couldn’t last longer than two weeks without seeing each other. And in time he learned that when they ran out of things to talk about, it was time to get off the phone because they would just end up fighting. First, get comfortable with the fact that you can have a healthy relationship while fighting and being mad at each other. That’s normal — if you didn’t ever fight you’d be super creepy people. But it’s draining so if you can avoid it by just hanging up the phone before it happens, do.

 Refrain from freaking out.


You don’t have to end up lying face down on the bathroom floor in a puddle of your own snot, Elizabeth Gilbert-style. Have some self-control, and if you can stop yourself from freaking out about ZOMG HE’S CHEATING I HAVE TO END THIS WTF WAS I THINKING and crying and flailing and being a huge MESS, then do. If it’s a ghost freak out — meaning, stemming from something your brain made up rather than an actual thing that happened — it’s really not worth deepening your frown lines over.

  Miss each other.

10. Miss each other.
THIS IS THE BEST THING ABOUT LDRS! All those couples who live together and don’t want to have sex with each other and are totally sick of each other’s asses? Not you!

  Send each other things.

11. Send each other things. 
Such as: “I’m so sorry you had a 10-hour layover in that dirty airport” flowers. Or: “I should have never said/done that dumb thing” teddy bear. Also recommended: “This song reminds me of you” MP3/YouTube link (that one’s done via email! So easy!).

  Surprise your significant other at least once.

12. Surprise your significant other at least once.

When this happens it is the best. Just don’t scare their pants off them when you do it. Make a sign saying “W<3LCOME HOME CUPCAKE!! [or whatever gross things you call each other]” in highlighter and tape it to the door. Or leave a trail of glitter behind you. Do something to hint that a surprise is in store if you’re letting yourself into your S.O.’s place.

December 30, 2011

Pubic Killing is Not For Girls or Movie Stars Anymore




 This story will make you more knowledgeable about the issue. It should make laugh and maybe cry..you let me know. adamfoxie*




Why 'Manscaping' Isn't Just for Porn Stars Anymore


.



Tim Arpin is toned and tanned, with shoulder-length brown hair and brooding eyes. He bears a striking resemblance to Antonio Banderas, circa 1995. He’s such a hunk, the 30-year-old Georgia native is in the running to be Cosmo’s bachelor of the year.

The Atlantic recently reported that female pubic hair is on the fast track to extinction. But grooming experts say the latest hair-removal trend isn’t targeted at women. Lizzie Crocker on the ‘manscaping’ boom.

Arpin is one of 50 men who appears on the magazine’s website sans shirt and flexing his best assets. The finalists hail from different states and backgrounds, but they all have the same answer for one question: do you manscape? Every dude that’s asked says—enthusiastically—yes!
“I’m a pretty hairy guy,” admits Aprin, a real-estate investor. He says he shaves his chest and stomach weekly with a standard Gillette razor. Since he’d rather not risk nicking his private parts with a straight blade, Arpin whittles down his crotch hair once a month with a safety-guarded electric trimmer.  “I like the way it looks,” he says, adding, “And I think a girl would appreciate it.” A Southern gentleman, Arpin carefully avoids crude references. Only after being nudged does he admit that general upkeep makes sex better. “Too much hair can be distracting and take away from the moment,” he explains.
The Atlantic reported this month that female pubic hair in America is on the road to extinction, but that’s a bit like noting the spotted owl is an endangered species. Grooming and waxing experts say the latest trend in pubic hair removal isn’t targeted at women—it’s for the guys. There’s evidence of this all around us (if you dare to look). The most startling aspect of seeing Anthony Weiner’s penis in a leaked iPhone sext earlier this year wasn’t its size, but that it looked like a plucked chicken. The same is true of other celebrities’ trimmed full-monty shots, from football player Brett Favre to Fall Out Boy Pete Wentz.
In ancient times, removing male pubic hair had less to do with aesthetics. Egyptians did it to stave off fleas and lice. Romans removed adolescent boys’ body hair as an initiation into adulthood. In the 16th century, Europeans were aghast when Michelangelo’s statue of David featured a sculpted tuft above his penis; they thought it looked ungodly.  The modern manscaped man is a product of today’s post-metrosexual society, where even the alpha male indulges in spa treatments and $50 Diesel boxer briefs.



Steve Sparrow / Getty Images

“Part of it has to do with shared roles,” says Nicole Caldwell, the editor ofPlaygirl, who has seen such a steep decline in male pubic hair recently that she has to remind her models not to shave everything off. “I don’t want to say there’s no distinction between men and women, but it’s more acceptable for them to share a space. Guys can occupy salons and it’s not totally bizarre.”
Robert, a 25-year-old investment manager from Massachusetts, trims his pubes with an electric razor—“the kind that barbers use for shaving heads,” he says. Just as he prefers a woman to be groomed when he performs oral sex (“the less hair, the better”), he imagines girls don’t want a bush in their mouths either.
While little scientific research exists on male hair-removal habits, a 2008 studyconducted by researchers at Flinders University in Australia concluded that “hairlessness is rapidly becoming a component of the ideal male body.” Of the 228 heterosexual males who participated in the anonymous survey, 66 percent said they had removed their pubic hair at least once, in comparison to 82 percent of homosexual males.
Manscaping has gone so mainstream that stores like Kohls and Bed, Bath & Beyond stock body trimmers right next to facial ones. “The Mangroomer Private Body Shaver is one of our best-selling products,” says Mike Gilman, co-owner of the Grooming Lounge in Washington D.C., an upscale Barber Shop that serves scotch to its clients. Brian Boye, fashion and grooming editor at Men's Health, agrees that body-grooming products have flooded the men’s market in recent years. For only $8, you can treat a razor-burned scrotum with luxurious “Calm Balm Soothing Skin Salve,” by ballsBALM.
We’ve come a long way from the days when Steve Carrell comically winced while waxing his chest in The 40-Year-Old Virgin. In this year’s 50/50, when Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s cancer-stricken character shaves his head, he borrows an electric trimmer from his bearded buddy (played by Seth Rogen), who confesses after the fact that, yes, he uses it to shave his balls. The subtext here suggests that if a guy as unkempt as Rogen tends to his hair down there, so should every other American bro.
For those seeking a silky-smooth undercarriage, there’s always the waxing option. In London, the Strip: Ministry of Waxing reports that one out of every three male customers requests a “Boyzilian.”
“I have guys who come in every four to six weeks just to wax their butt cracks,” says Cande, a laid-back wax aesthetician at Strip’s New York City outpost. Most of her male clients are in their late 20s or early 30s, she says, and many claim they were encouraged by their significant others to get the “BSC”— a provocative procedure that involves waxing the “back, sack, and crack.” One young man confessed his fiancée sent him in after he told her to “take care of her bush,” though he’d clearly never considered trimming his own hedges.
The modern manscaped man is a product of today’s post-metrosexual society, where even the alpha male indulges in spa treatments and $50 Diesel boxer briefs.
“There have been a couple of serious scenarios,” Cande says in reference to a few of the thicker shrubs she’s pruned. Some particularly hairy (and forthcoming) men complain about the necessity of showering every time they do their business. “Waxing keeps it cleaner back there,” says Cande. “Once they feel the difference, they become addicts!”
Kirsten, the manager at Strip NYC, notes that men of all ages and demographics are increasingly more open to the idea of waxing where the sun doesn’t shine. “Last week, a man in his late 50s came in to get a BSC while his daughter got a Brazilian,” she tells The Daily Beast. “I can’t imagine that scenario taking place two years ago.”
Martha Frankel, who co-wrote Brazilian Sexy with Janea Padilha, one of the founding members at Manhattan’s infamous J Sisters salon, is bowled over by the manscaping boom. According to Frankel, waxing used to be a strictly gay phenomenon, particularly in Brazil, where gay men strolled the beach in barely-there banana hammocks. Today, she hasn’t come across a single straight guy under 25 who doesn’t trim, shave or wax.
There are many factors driving the trend, but both experts and average Joes agree that pornography officially made manscaping de rigueur. Peter Walters, a 23-year-old from San Francisco, says porn inspired him and his friends to trim their pubic hair as freshmen in high school. “Most of the guys in these videos were completely bald, as were the girls, so we all experimented.”
John Marsh, who owns the company that produces videos for Fratmen and Fratpad, porn sites geared toward a gay audience, says virtually all of the straight men they recruit for their films shave their pubic hair, and they all fall between the ages of 18 and 22. “They claim they do it because the girls want it that way, but I don’t think that’s the case,” Marsh argues. He’s convinced most of them do it to make their members look bigger. “These guys also like their girls to be hairless, so they assume the girls want the same thing from them.”
Au contraire, says Shallon Lester, who stars on MTV’s reality TV show,Downtown Girls, and recently released her second novel, Exes and Ohs. When one of her real-life exes came home with a Boyzilian, Shallon was revolted. But she thinks man bushes are icky, too. Men (and women) should “just keep things in check.”
Dave Rubin, an openly gay comedian and cohost of the Sirius XM radio showThe Six Pack, has similar views about pubic-hair extremes: “It doesn’t have to be anything major, but I think everyone appreciates a little clean-up operation. In fact, I should probably go trim after this conversation.”
But when it comes to more extreme manscaping, the most vocal critics are—perhaps surprisingly—gay men. Models who don’t have pubic hair are often criticized by their gay fans for looking too feminine. Just ask Benjamin Godfre, a 24-year-old model based in California who has starred in fetish videos and been “professionally tickled.”
“My girlfriend in high school liked it when I shaved, and I kind of liked it too,” says Godfre, who stopped two years ago. Once he became an obsession on gay blogs, photographers urged him to grow out his pubic hair. “I’m a 180-pound normal dude. I have a more masculine look, so I like to keep it natural looking down there. I try not to shave it anymore,” he says. Otherwise, “I just look too teeny-bopper.”


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