The War in My Head Same as River Phoenix
The War in my Head
I received this letter from one of my readers today. Im doing a posting about River Phoenix and his depression which let him to commit suicide. Our Community is plagued by this mental disease and not enough is being done about it. Many of us are suffering from battle fatigue. Some have lost all to AIDS but somehow survived and now are sorry that they were living for today as they were told they were going to die but didn’t. No credit in many cases. Their priority was to feed
thems elves and pay rent and utilities. If you are dying in one year you are single why worry about bill collectors many thought. “I need to remain as healthy as I can until the end to be able to fight this”
Other Just felt overwhelmed keeping the secret that they have being gay and feel worthless and others feel worthless because of abused intended or not by hater and ignorant people and families. Here below is J. Never met him but he felt trusting enough to write me the letter then thinking it could tell others emailed me that it was ok to post it. So Im also posting my reply to him. These events happened today as I was working on adamfoxie blog. Depression and mental problems need to be address and make it easier for people to seek for help before something tragic happens.
Just over the weekend someone burt himself in front of the White House gates. He is just died today. But as people were trying to put him out the only thing he was saying was ’thank you’ Thank you for helping me” To me that says volumes of what kind of person he was!
I invite you to read J’s letter. Has nor been edited in any way. Just the size to fit the page on the blog.
I hope and J hopes that it helps somebody. He is learned that there a of other people like him.
Introduction:
I received this letter from one of my readers today. Im doing a posting about River Phoenix and his depression which let him to commit suicide. Our Community is plagued by this mental disease and not enough is being done about it. Many of us are suffering from battle fatigue. Some have lost all to AIDS but somehow survived and now are sorry that they were living for today as they were told they were going to die but didn’t. No credit in many cases. Their priority was to feed
thems elves and pay rent and utilities. If you are dying in one year you are single why worry about bill collectors many thought. “I need to remain as healthy as I can until the end to be able to fight this”
Other Just felt overwhelmed keeping the secret that they have being gay and feel worthless and others feel worthless because of abused intended or not by hater and ignorant people and families. Here below is J. Never met him but he felt trusting enough to write me the letter then thinking it could tell others emailed me that it was ok to post it. So Im also posting my reply to him. These events happened today as I was working on adamfoxie blog. Depression and mental problems need to be address and make it easier for people to seek for help before something tragic happens.
Just over the weekend someone burt himself in front of the White House gates. He is just died today. But as people were trying to put him out the only thing he was saying was ’thank you’ Thank you for helping me” To me that says volumes of what kind of person he was!
I invite you to read J’s letter. Has nor been edited in any way. Just the size to fit the page on the blog.
I hope and J hopes that it helps somebody. He is learned that there a of other people like him.
Over the last several days, I was going through an episode of depression that was eating inside of me. There have been many factors involved in this disturbing period of time. Family drama, leaving my job and awkward feelings about many people on Google+ and Twitter has made it difficult and at times uncomfortable to be socially active with everyone. A friend of mine told me that he was going through the same thing, and that he tries to wing it as much as he can. Despite this, I feel that I am unstable and can be like a ticking time bomb. This actually can hurt me more than it can hurt everyone else.
This whole depression started when I was in college. Before college, I was a homebody; I use to keep to myself. I only manage to socialize, but when I was in school. However, when I was in college, I was in a new environment. It was difficult for me to adjust to the social circles that were created. It made me feel like an introvert, because I feel like I do not belong to any circle. I was the man nobody wanted. This makes it hard to become as popular as some of the others I have met online. You make think this is awkward, but this is what I have to go through each and every day.
I am taking some vitamin D3-5000 pills to help with my depression, but very limited because, I confess, I tend to be lazy and unmotivated. I just don’t know how to shake this feeling off, but I try my damnedest to continue onward. I even try to listen to music, but even that brings up painful memories. This depression has made me powerless and on the verge of suicide. I felt I was living my darkest hour.
All of this has generate a war inside my head that has brought not only division amongst myself, but to all my friends, be in person or online. It hurts me to say this but even when I am surrounded by many people; be at my workplace or out on the town, I still feel lonely. It is the instinct inside of me, and I can’t shake it off. I always feel that there are two Jasons fighting each other over me. One is acting like the redeemer; while the other is the destroyer. They are continuously at odds with one another, hurting relationships and turning people against me.
As much as I try to recover, I feel pressured by the outside world to be a better man. However, it can take one bad comment from another to send me back into the depression I so desperately try to avoid. I often wonder if they were meant to be friends, or just someone looking for me to just be quiet and just be their “yes’ man. I hate the fact that everyone is advising me to be independent while being dependent on them. I feel like their slave of sorts, and it hurts me. Call it crazy, awkward or whatever, this is my opinion.
Also, I have had some successful points in my life. I have made some good friends online who understand my scenario. Some people understand me even more than I know myself. I even have a few who really want to meet me, and I want to meet them. But still, there will be a moment that I feel attacked by everyone, and it would make me turn against everyone. Despite this, I still like meeting people. Some have a crush for me, which is cool. Some have feelings for me, also cool because I have feeling for them. But there are those who are obsessed with me, and that will make me feel uncomfortable and may make want to avoid them. I don’t want to hurt any feelings but this is me, and I can’t change that.
Even online, there are some post, comments and chats that I feel uncomfortable with. I try to go with the flow, but it gets to the point where I may lose control and release a demonic force that will do more harm than good. This is not to be an attention whore as many people may think; it is just that is uncomfortable for me at the moment. I will allow them to block me, but given fair warning, they are missing out on full potential that I can give to the table.
It has been a hard road for me to go on. But I am thankful for friends who stick with me as I go through this cursed journey. However, I will have a moment where I will fall on my face and return to that nightmarish hell that has brought me into this meaningless existence. But with awesome friends, my independent thoughts and opinions, and my faith in God and my friends, I feel I can overcome my demons and be able to win the war that is inside of me. I can’t do it without the people that have faith in me.
by J
Hi J.
Thank you for your confidence and trust. I my self have gone through dark periods of depression. I some how pull my self out. Usually get that way when I get hits at the same time from different sources. I understand that depression is no different than ulcers or even cancer. There is a root of the problem which sometimes is hard to find. But it is a chemical imbalance in the brain which is causing it. Sometimes is good to speak to a professional and some times for many people is good to take a med to try and correct the problem. Talking about in trust is a good thing. Some people as you day make matters worse. Is not recommended to tell everyone. Remember that everyone goes through periods of depression. The trick is to come out of it even if it's just for the air.
My friend I hope this finds you better..I have gone through it like most people. I'm coming out now from a dark period that lasted a year or so. I'm coming out by concentrating on the positive. Looking at what a good person I am and liking my self again. When you start not liking your self that is the signal you are on the elevator and just pressed B. Just don't get out. You know the elevtor will come up again. Get out on a nice floor where there is people you like.
Take my friend and hang in there.
Your .letter will not be share with your name to no one.
Adam
This is brought to you by Adam Gonzalez, Publisher…
..please help us by visiting and buying from the companies we affiliate.
We really, really need help. It wont cost you anything to buy what you are going to buy
but you buy it through here
by J
Thank you for your confidence and trust. I my self have gone through dark periods of depression. I some how pull my self out. Usually get that way when I get hits at the same time from different sources. I understand that depression is no different than ulcers or even cancer. There is a root of the problem which sometimes is hard to find. But it is a chemical imbalance in the brain which is causing it. Sometimes is good to speak to a professional and some times for many people is good to take a med to try and correct the problem. Talking about in trust is a good thing. Some people as you day make matters worse. Is not recommended to tell everyone. Remember that everyone goes through periods of depression. The trick is to come out of it even if it's just for the air.
My friend I hope this finds you better..I have gone through it like most people. I'm coming out now from a dark period that lasted a year or so. I'm coming out by concentrating on the positive. Looking at what a good person I am and liking my self again. When you start not liking your self that is the signal you are on the elevator and just pressed B. Just don't get out. You know the elevtor will come up again. Get out on a nice floor where there is people you like.
Take my friend and hang in there.
Your .letter will not be share with your name to no one.
Adam
This is brought to you by Adam Gonzalez, Publisher…
..please help us by visiting and buying from the companies we affiliate.
We really, really need help. It wont cost you anything to buy what you are going to buy
but you buy it through here
Comments