"Im killing My Self” AreYou? Lets Talk First

Actual cross section of human head. (Yucky.)

This is a true story in which the writer takes the form of that person that tried ending it all, but somehow survived and was able to see the difference of taking your life or waiting.  Things changed and a great life developed out of the survival of this attempt.

"Killing myself"
What a stament that makes. I want to kill my self. It’s a statement that you make because you have given up and see nothing in the future.  For people of not a great  economic status it means we can’t deal with life the way is been handed to us or the way we have handled it ourselves financially.. But financial situations can change and having a lot of money sometimes does not change the way we feel inside. We see it all the time with people that seem to have everything yet they decide to end it.    

We want to stop it there because we already know death, or we think we know and we know what death brings.   One thing we know that death brings is an end.  A permanent end or solution to our condition. That will scare some, the permanent part, the part that this might be one mistake we can’t undo,  but still  it will attract others.

When you think about killing your self you want to go under your own rules and circumstances, not under a disease like HIV or cancer or mental problems, financial problems , rejection or anything else you no longer want to handle or it it seems you can’t handle.  It’s a way to take control of a life that was out of your control.  Im aware of killings of passion, but that is a death of a different color. That is when anger takes over and wont aloud you think things thru.

Killing yourself because of the other problems I expressed above is what I am talking about. If you are killing your self because your girl/boyfriend left you..you are a fool and how can anybody intervene in a fools life? Actually yes, there is plenty of help for any condition in which you feel you don’t want to see your life to the end of the road.

I first tried killing my self when I was going into my first monogamous realtionship with someone older than me, I was 24, he was 37. Not a great distance at all unless the 37 is expecting the 24 year old one to help him in his personal life when the 24 year old has just come out, dealing with being shot on the leg and not sure how he is going to walk again. Well no need for the details, but the point is the younger guy needed more help at the time that he was able to give out.

  Too Many things on the plate and not wanting to hurt anybody just wanted to go. The idea that one does not just comes out once but is a life time thing. The idea that I was in a situation that it was not temporary. I was truly gay. No family, no kids. I would be different from most people I knew. I would become like those that I bedded. Always enjoying the moment but not wanting to be like them. I was going to be, well not going to be but was the person I’ve heard so many awful things about.  Nope, needed to take control of something. Needed to stop the direction in which I was going. Not understanding at the time that we are giving the means to travel, but the road we take is our doing. We are born in many different conditions and personalities. Not able to change that. But can take the road that can lead you to a happy life no matter with what type of equipment you are born with. Sometimes is not easy finding the right road, but we are given a whole lifetime to find it.

I worked out, had a very good vegetarian diet and was as strong as a spanish bull in Pamplona Spain.
Had a good steady job and a great reputation as an honest hard worker and benevolent manager (to some anyways) Was called a stud by others, not sure of what it meant, but it felt kinda good hearing it.
 After my attempt, I damaged both of my kidneys and was hospitalized at Maimonides Hospital for 9 days.  Great Hospital with great human doctors.

I recovered and I promised my self and my god that I will no longer attempt the same things again and that I will wait for my death in Patience which was guarantee to come for me one day.

 It’s cool I think to wait for the game to be over and just like we did not raise hour hands and asked to be ourselves, on the same coin we should not be raising out hands against our selves and wanting the game to be over on our terms.
Sometimes is better to give destiny it’s own time to go through those revolutions or turns that sometimes lands you in the opposite situation in which might find your self right now.

I sometimes think I want to go TODAY. But I hold off because Im going to die anyway and have not lost the faith that whatever goes up or down has to come to the opposite position or direction.

Killing yourself?…wait a little longer….I do every day even though I am tired of this world and lots of the people in it. Yet I might feel like that now,  I know tomorrow will not be the same.

Feel free to reach me about this. Will give your messages, emails or comment if you use the code "I wan to wait”  preference to answer. If not I will get to you anyways.  


Adam is speaking for the stud that tried to killed himself @ adamfoxie*