Volleyball Coach's Journey to Accepting That He is Gay and is Ok

Nick Clark denied for years that he was gay and threw himself into sports, especially volleyball. He then found religion but finally came to the realization that there was nothing wrong and is now out and proud.

By Jim Buzinski
Outsports.com

Nick Clark vividly remembers the turning point. He was driving home to Michigan in mid-2007 after a sexual rendezvous with a guy in Toledo, Ohio. It was in the wee hours of the morning and he had been heavily drinking when he started to fall asleep at the wheel. It was all he could do to stay awake and make it home.

“I then had a God moment,” Clark said. “I had this incredible urge to go to church the next day.”

Clark had been raised a Catholic but was not very religious. The next day at church, though, “I really felt like someone was speaking to me. Everything was speaking to me – the songs, the priests. From that point, my life really started to change.” Clark, 25, is the assistant men’s volleyball coach at Siena Heights University in Adrian, Mich. He is now openly and comfortably gay with a boyfriend whom he is crazy about. In the past month, he came out to his coach, Mike Watkins, who told him his sexual orientation doesn’t change anything. Clark went from a closeted young man whose sole interactions with gay men were furtive sexual meetings on Manhunt, to an active member of the religious Athletes in Action, to someone who now wants to help other gay athletes and coaches come out. All this happened in the space of less than four years. Clark’s journey will be familiar to many gay men. He knew he was “different” from other boys from the age of 10. He grew up in Carleton, a small community south of Detroit. From the outside, he had what appeared to be a stress-free upbringing. He had two loving parents and an older brother and sister, both talented athletes who doted on their baby brother. In high school, he played football and basketball (he was a 6-foot, 195-pound guard). He also started honing his coaching skills by managing the girl’s volleyball team. “I had a lot of friends and I got along with everyone,” he said. Inside, Clark was terrified that he would be found out. He was nervous about managing the girl’s team because people might think he was gay. In his team’s locker rooms, the words “fag” and “homo” were tossed around liberally. “They were said jokingly, but there was an edge,” he said. So he kept his head down and went with the flow. He dated girls and started to make out, thinking it would change him. All his attempts felt forced. Like many closeted people, he assumed people were watching his every move and taking notes. This despite fitting in and looking like the classic high school jock. “My guard was always up because I was afraid I would be found out. … Sure, I was blowing it out of proportion.” As a junior in high school, Clark started going to gay porn sites, being careful to get on the computer at home when no one else was around. “I liked it. I thought it would be a sexual outlet,” he said. Clark enrolled at Eastern Michigan University in 2003, where he played on the volleyball club team. He also started coaching volleyball and a local high school football team. Between his classes, working a job and sports, there wasn’t much time for anything else. He then discovered Manhunt in his freshman year and things changed. “I really was uncomfortable going on the site, but would do it after a night of drinking,” he said. Over the next few years he had a series of random hook-ups, made easier by Eastern Michigan’s close proximity to Ann Arbor, Detroit and Toledo. He felt hollow and was seeking a purpose when he had his “God moment.” He started to explore Christianity and read the Bible. In December 2007, he discovered Athletes in Action and began attending Bible study classes. (Coincidentally, at one AIA meeting he met Austin Hendrix, who told his coming out story on Outsports in December.) In his early days with AIA he continued to get on Manhunt and had “a constant battle with my urges.” Still, no one suspected anything. Another turning point came in 2008, when he participated in AIA’s Colorado Project, a two-month summer retreat in Fort Collins. “It was an amazing summer,” he said. “I made a lot of friends with people I am still friends with.” During the summer, Clark said he felt as if his attraction to men “was going to go away.” He was focused on the retreat, where he worked at a rec center in addition to the constant emphasis on religion. Clark came back to Michigan and started to date a girl, Jenna, he had met as a freshman (“she is a sweet girl and an amazing person,” he said). They agreed to take things slow, which was good for Clark since intimacy involved just kissing and holding hands. His attraction to men, though, was never far from the surface, so he concentrated even more on coaching and his involvement in AIA. “I seriously thought [my sexual orientation] was something I could conquer,” he said. He went to Dayton, Ohio, for AIA training in a variety of sports and had what he called an amazing trip with the group’s traveling volleyball team to Moscow, Russia. He came back home in July 2009 and his relationship with Jenna started to get serious. “She was ready for the next step, marriage,” Clark said. She wanted a commitment from Clark before she decided on whether to accept a job offer locally or move to Baltimore. By this time, Clark was all but done lying. “I knew the truth. I was gay. But I was still trying to hide it.” In August 2009, he made the only decision that seemed right – he broke up with Jenna. That winter Clark started seeing a therapist. And he discovered something: Nothing was going to change. The therapist helped him accept that he was gay and that he could continue to coach sports. There was nothing wrong with him that needed to be fixed. The idea was liberating and in May 2010, Clark started coming out to close friends, including those from AIA. Far from condemning him, they embraced Clark and told him they loved and supported him; they peppered him with questions about being gay, out of curiosity, and his friendships with them deepened. He also came out to his family, and the acceptance was total. His brother joked that he suspected something was up even when Nick was a kid, “because I always chose Storm when we played ‘X-Men.’ “ Clark discovered a gay sports outlet when he joined the Michigan Panthers gay flag football team, and played in the Chicago Pride Bowl last June. He plans on playing in the upcoming Pride Bowl and in Gay Bowl XI in Houston. He also has a boyfriend, Rob, whom he met in late December. “He’s so sweet and great and very stable and mature,” Clark said. Now that he is out and not trying to hide, Clark is less religious. “I still believe in God and I still pray, but it’s been a while since I went to church.” He describes himself as “the happiest I’ve ever been,” the days of loneliness, paranoia and questioning himself long gone. Despite the support from his head coach, Clark does wonder whether being openly gay will hurt his coaching career, but he’ll take that uncertainty over the fears he dealt with before from constantly hiding. His goal is to help other coaches and athletes wrestling with their sexuality, and thinks his experiences will resonate with others. “I still got that teacher, educator, coach mentality,” he said. “I got a lot I have to give.”

Pitcher McDowell asked some male fans, "Are you guys a homo couple or a threesome?

Jared Wickerham/Getty

Justin Quinn (below), with wife and daughters Kylynn and Taylor, says of alleged encounter with Roger McDowell: "He picked up a bat, asked me how much my teeth were worth to me."

Damian Dovarganes/AP

 

The relationship between major league players and their paying fans long ago became something very different than Babe Ruth joshing with kids along the front of the stands. This is now a marriage of convenience, with a prenup written in stone.

Up-close interactions are generally limited to team functions between athlete and fan, little more than camera-ops before or after games. More often, we see the practiced stares of cold, focused professionals who have seen it all and had enough of it. Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez run in and out of the dugout during batting practice at Yankee games with looks that say, "Can't hear you," even as children and autograph hounds alike scream at the top of their lungs for a signed baseball.

So this is no longer 1930. All but the most self-absorbed fan can understand the new boundaries, the code of silence from ballplayers that meets the plaintive cries from supporters. The fans get to say things, ask for things, even heckle reasonably. The players get to ignore them.

But then pitching coach Roger McDowell comes along Saturday at AT&T Park and apparently breaks through that wall with the worst sort of behavior imaginable - even for McDowell.

According to Justin Quinn, McDowell took it upon himself to confront San Francisco fans in the left-field bleachers during batting practice who were calling for Braves pitchers or catchers in the bullpen to toss them a ball.

McDowell asked some male fans, "Are you guys a homo couple or a threesome?" When Quinn told him there were children around and he shouldn't say such things, McDowell responded by telling him, in a profane manner, that kids don't belong at the ballpark.

Then he reportedly did something even worse, if that's possible. He threatened Quinn with a baseball bat. He also used the bat and his hand to simulate sex.

"He picked up a bat, asked me how much my teeth were worth to me," Quinn said Wednesday at a press conference alongside his wife, his twin daughters and celebrity attorney Gloria Allred. "I know in my profession there's certain things you can't do."

Quinn is a student from Fresno, he said, performing environmental research on tsunamis. He didn't seem to be asking for money, just an apology from McDowell and the Braves, which lent Quinn even greater credibility. He also had his two daughters dressed in pink, flanking him and backing up his account.

For reporters who covered the effective reliever during the Mets' golden years in the late '80s, this incident is horrifying, yet not far removed from the realm of believability. McDowell was known to the public as a merry prankster, a guy who would give a "hot foot" to teammates at the drop of a cap. But he also could get surly with reporters who were critical of his pitching.

"He definitely had a dark, nasty side," said one beat writer. "He was pretty thin-skinned. He could turn on you."

McDowell also appeared, ironically enough, in a "Seinfeld" episode as a player who spit on Kramer and Newman. That was fiction, while the story Wednesday unfortunately sounded more like fact.

McDowell eventually apologized for the actions in a statement, though he made a point of insisting that the fans had been abusive. That made his act of contrition sound more like yet another attack.

"I am deeply sorry that I responded to the heckling fans in San Francisco on Saturday," he said. "I apologize to everyone for my actions."

Thus far, the Braves have only released a statement indicating they're "concerned by these allegations" which "in no way represent the Braves organization and the conduct we expect of our employees."

Players and coaches alike have conduct clauses in their contracts. The Braves certainly have reasonable cause to dismiss McDowell, 50, for something as egregious and mean-spirited as this, if details are correct. McDowell somehow managed to combine homophobia, vulgarity and the threat of violence. The triple crown.

"Considering what happened to a father not long ago," said Quinn, referring to the Giant fan, Bryan Stow, who was beaten into a coma outside Dodger Stadium, "seeing a coach come at me with a bat, asking how much my teeth are worth, I can't assume he won't do anything."

We know pro sports have become something mercenary and impersonal. There are still rules of civility, however. The Braves and MLB need to do something about a line that was crossed into foulest territory.

FILIP BONDY


http://www.nydailynews.com/ 

Gays In General Are The Sacrificial Lambs- We need to Kick Gouge & Bite

 The right wing scapegoats LGBTs, sacrificing our rights on their altar of power. The goats have to keep fighting back if we want equality

HARDY HABERMAN  |  Flagging Left

Land of the free and home of the brave? Maybe not. Just look at all the issues being flogged both in the legislature and in the press. All are to try to stifle the freedom of LGBT people.

• DOMA: The cynically named “Defense of Marriage Act” which has nothing to do with defending marriage and everything to do with denying rights to LGBT couples.

Worse, even though the president said it is unconstitutional, the GOP, lead by House Speaker John Boehner, wants to spend $500,000 of our dollars to defend a bill the Department of Justice sees as indefensible.

• Special Rights for Gays: This is a catch phrase being used again and again by the right wing to somehow try to justify discrimination in just about any way possible.

For example in many states if you are a landlord, you are not allowed to deny someone the right to rent an apartment — but only if they are listed as a protected class. That’s how the law works in this screwy society.

So, if I am a member of a racial minority, a woman or disabled, I can seek legal recourse against the landlord. Because LGBT people are not included in that list in most states, we have no recourse.

In the eyes of the right wing, granting us the same rights as any other minority is “special rights.” Worse still is the fact that we are denied rights in our relationships that other Americans get simply because they are straight.

• Hate Crimes: The right fights tooth and nail to keep LGBT people from being included in hate crimes legislation wherever it is proposed. Just as bad, some have even tried to dissect us and include gays and lesbians while leaving transgender folks out.

To add LGBT people to the list of victims of hate crimes apparently denies the far right their freedom to hate whoever they want.

• Ex-Gay Therapy: This discredited practice still gets funding and support from fundamentalist churches and right-wing organizations that are actively working to “cure” gays and lesbians. Our lives have been compared to the problem with “second-hand smoke” and devalued by rhetoric from the right.

They spread the lie that our sexual orientation is a choice, and therefore something we can change at will.

This list could go on and on, but the point is that for some reason the conservatives are spending huge piles of cash to actively deny us the rights and privileges they enjoy. Why do they spend so much of their time and energy working to take away rights from us?

Politically, it is an easy talking point. The right has found that anti-LGBT rhetoric can whip a crowd into a frenzy faster than talking about real issues. In the world of media image, nothing is as valued by the right as a cheering crowd and a sound bite on TV or radio.

Economically, LGBT issues can make a quick buck for the right wing. Whether it is raising funds to “defeat the gay agenda” or funds to “rescue the poor sinners from the gay lifestyle,” donations flow when the anti-LGBT rhetoric rings out.

And psychologically, it’s an easy hot button. The whole existence of LGBT people makes many heterosexuals nervous. I am not a psychologist, but I would lay odds that for many there are insecurities around their own sexual orientation that drives this.

The mere fact that the “gay panic” defense works in the judicial system as an excuse for assault and murder points to this as an underlying problem.

But I suspect the real reason the right has seized on LGBT rights as their favorite topic is more troubling: It’s what I call the “bogie man” factor.

Fear is a very good motivator. Just look at how we Americans cheerfully gave up our privacy rights after 9/11. We were afraid and we were told giving up our privacy would get us security.

The results are still very much open for debate.

Meanwhile politicians, pundits and clergy have found their available list of “bogie men” dwindling. Back in the 1950s, communists were the enemy and the cause of every ill under the sun. In the ’60s “hippies” were looked on as the root cause of problems.

In the last decade, “terrorists” became the main thing to fear, though it was a thinly disguised version of xenophobia and racism.

Now, one of the only things to fear is us, the LGBTS. We have become the bogie man for the current crop of fear mongers. We are being pointed to as the root of many of societies ills — and that is scapegoating, plain and simple.

Scapegoats are an easy way to explain complex problems, and in a world of 20-second sound bites, they are all too tempting for politicians, pundits and clergy to ignore.

Well, it’s time we goats stopped behaving like sheep and started butting our heads up against the people who would deny us our rights. If we do not continue to push back, we will continue to have our rights sacrificed on the alter of politics. And this goat is not ready for that.

Hardy Haberman is a longtime local LGBT activist and a member of Stonewall Democrats of Dallas. His blog is at http://dungeondiary.blogspot.com.

http://www.dallasvoice.com/

US Marines Preparing to Accept Openly Gay Troops

 Before President Obama signed an order to repeal the 17-year-old ban, there was concern that the Marines in particular would react badly to serving alongside out gay colleagues.

A Pentagon survey carried out last year showed that nearly 60 per cent of troops in the most dangerous roles – in the Marines and combat units – said repeal would be damaging.

General James Amos, commandant of the Marine Corps, said at the time that gay servicemembers might cause a “distraction” that could result in increased injuries and deaths.

According to AP, training materials ask Marines to consider scenarios such as seeing a colleague in a gay bar or hearing locker-room jokes aimed at gay colleagues.

While Marines will not be expected to change their views, the materials say they must follow orders.

“You remain obligated to follow orders that involve interaction with others who are gay or lesbian, even if an unwillingness to do so is based on strong, sincerely held moral or religious beliefs,” the training material states.

Testifying before a Senate Armed Forces hearing earlier this month, Gen Amos said: “We’ve not seen issues. There’s not been anxiety over [out gay soldiers] from the forces in the field … there hasn’t been pushback.”

It is expected that gay soldiers will be permitted to come out at some point during the summer.

The ban will not be lifted until military chiefs have certified that repealing the law will not harm military readiness. Following this, 60 days must pass.

by Jessica Geen 

http://www.pinknews.co.uk

New York State The Last Great Gay Hope

by Bridgette P. LaVictoire
With the collapse of marriage equality in Rhode Island and Maryland, the last bastion of marriage equality this year is New York. This pits State Senator Ruben Diaz Sr against Governor Andrew Cuomo in many ways. Diaz has stated that marriage equality will happen in New York only over his dead body, and he should be glad that he doesn’t live in New Jersey where someone might actually take him up on that offer.

Cuomo may be able to pull it off. He managed the impossible already by getting the state a budget when his predecessor David Patterson was unable to get so much as an agreement on how to spend three cents. Cuomo has also managed to do the impossible by bringing together groups within and without the LGBT Community into a coalition aimed to bring about this change. (Yes, I know that I am using a very archaic meaning of the word ‘without’, in this case meaning outside of just like within means inside of).

He has brought together the Human Rights Campaign, Freedom to Marry New York, Empire State Pride Agenda and Marriage Equality New York to form the initial coalition. He has since brought in Log Cabin Republicans of New York and the League of Women Voters of New York State.

A majority of New Yorkers support marriage equality with 58% in favor. This has caused some Senators to start thinking about switching their votes when this comes before the legislature. The fact that a majority of New Yorkers, and Rhode Islanders even, support marriage equality does not mean that the votes will be there as external pressures, usually from religious groups who rely upon stereotypes and bullying, pressure legislators into not voting for equality and justice for people.

The issues of marriage equality and those surrounding the LGBT Community effect not only those within the community, but those without. In fact, those without the Community may find that the degradation of one group makes it far easier to degrade another group no matter what the history of that group is with regards to civil rights. Simply put, one typically sees racist thinking advanced by those who are also homophobic, and giving these individuals a target that they are allowed to discriminate against in the LGBT Community allows them the freedom to start attacking the other minorities with the same impunity.

Many of the same people who are attacking unions, women, Blacks, and Hispanics are also attacking lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transpeople. Those who once openly attacked the LGBT Community are now going further and further with their attacks on the LGBT Community.

This is seen in the likes of Tea Party activists who will scream racist and homophobic epithets at members of Congress, and their backers who deny that such incidents ever occurred. It is seen in the politicians who in one breath will doubt President Obama’s qualifications to be President while also claiming that lesbians and gays make horrible parents.

Of course, there is Exhibit Number 1 on this- Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association. He has attacked the LGBT Community, African Americans, Native Americans and everyone he can get his hands on.

Still, there is hope.

New York City council speaker Christine Quinn, who is openly lesbian, believes that the state is on the verge of victory on marriage equality. She recently talked to a state senator who had voted ‘no’ last time, and she said of that meeting “When I met with this senator last week, at the end of the meeting, the senator said to me, ‘I will make sure that your father gets to see you dance at your wedding.’”

There is hope. But hope is not enough. It is time to work for that better tomorrow.

http://lezgetreal.com/

Village Voice: Who do you have to B* in NYS Senate to get Gay Marriage

Paul Schindler of Gay City News has put together a greatscorecard of how everyone stands on gay marriage in the state Senate, which is where the issue will be decided.

Senator Tom Duane's bill needs 32 votes. Currently, 26 Democrats and zero Republicans publicly support it. Those Log Cabin Republicans who just joined New Yorkers United for Marriage will have their work cut out for them in changing some minds. But so will the Democrats.

Gay City News says there are five currently uncommitted votes: Democrats Joe Addabbo and Shirley Huntley, and Republicans James Alesi, Joseph Griffo and Greg Ball. Brooklyn Democrat Carl Kruger, under a federal investigation for corruption, is still a public no, apparently, despite having been outed by the Post.

The group Connecting Rainbows had some fun with one of those swing votes yesterday — Shirley Huntley of Queens — by visiting her office. They took her to task for claiming to have marched with Martin Luther King Jr. for civil rights in Selma while refusing to support equal rights for gay people in New York.

Huntley says she's undecided, a position she expressed to the Voice for weeks in 2009 before ultimately voting "no."

sthrasher@villagevoice.com / @steven_thrasher